Sherman Sports & Entertainment Presents

How To Make NCAA Football Popular Again?

2012-01-10T11:30:00.000-08:00

Roll Tide, but do you care?

Went to a bar (in DC) with a buddy to watch the NCAA football championship. Passed 4 bars that were so dead we thought they closed early. The bar we settled on was less than half full, and less than 20% of the eyeballs in the bar were directed at the TV set. With bars/restaurants/TV rooms in non-college & non-winning markets having less than a 20% rate of caring & no clapping when someone wins a CHAMPIONSHIP, I would consider your season a failure.

We were at the same bar for Week 15 NFL Sunday, which had one of the worst 1PM slates of the year. And the place was rockin'. Standing room only crowd, all eyeballs glued to the screens, drinks flowing, Ooohhhh's and Ahhhh's for every play, and the home city was not even playing.

Something has to be done about this. In basketball, more people on a whole care about the first 4 days of March Madness than Game 7 of the NBA Finals. What makes it even worse is this is a football-crazed nation. The NFL is ALL WE TALK ABOUT. Why is the college game not translating? I'd say bad word of mouth re: NCAA scandals, playing Saturday warmup to NFL games, ONE CONFERENCE WINNING EVERY YEAR (total bullshit), not enough stuff you can bet on, bad lines for bowl games, lack of a coherent script, & no universal bracket, fantasy game, or betting pool you can beat people at.

My solution: single-elimination tournament at the end of the season. Field of 84, featuring all conferences. Get the split-screens going crazy.

Push the season back a month, when there is no NFL except crappy exhibition. Have all NCAA schools hold optional academic "mini-camps" starting the first week of August. All dorms open, so students can come to chill & party if they don't want more class, and just pay room. Extra month of warm-weather tailgating & parties. Schools find a new revenue stream, NCAA & students win, football-starved NFL fans have a late-summer alternative to boring preseason games.

Season ends on Halloween, tourney starts 2nd week of November during the week. Reason to party & bet between Halloween & the holidays. Final 4 Thanksgiving weekend, championship game Monday after (with the MNF NFL game moving to Tuesday). I don't think any drone will complain about 3 nights of football during the week. Besides, if your team gets in the title game, you get a 5-day weekend (& Tuesday "We Won" hangover day for winning team's fans). Even if the recruiting scandals, conference realignment, & crazy "Who's #1" debates continue during the season, this tournament & schedule change is a winner.

Got a better idea? Hit me on twitter @shermansne

Top 11 Companies Americans Were Complaining About in 2011

2011-12-29T11:27:00.000-08:00

You can't take part in a casual conversation without hearing the familiar rants:
"Man, fuck T-Mobile. They give me no bars anywhere!"
"AT&T is such a piece of shit. My coworker got the Verizon IPhone and he tells me I should switch over, but we just can't afford it"
"What the fuck is up with Bank of America? Are they charging me fees or not?"

Here are the 11 companies that Americans really couldn't stop complaining about in 2011:

1. T-Mobile. Probably the most complained about company of the last 10 years. Somewhere in America right now, at some lunch table, in some corporate break room, there is a guy complaining about his T-Mobile service. Their clever & inspiring-looking advertising, with empty slogans such as "More 4G Coverage" air at just about every football or TV public watch party, and are usually followed by someone yelling "Fuck T-Mobile!" or a universal round of boos.

2. CNN. The channel most Americans go to for their news programming is the go-to news station for restaurants & small businesses to turn on when there is nothing else on TV, and is also among the most complained about companies. They are known to post & air the most bullshit stories, celebrity gossip, and things that happened to some guy that no one cares about, that they can put under the label of News. The other week in midtown Manhattan, when passing a major news TV-viewing post, a drone went off on a major rant about Wolf Blitzer and how "stupid and uninformed" the anchors are. Everyone in his group promptly agreed, causing one of his friends or coworkers to start a pretend chant of "Fuck Wolf Blit-Zer!" The same can be said about overpriveleged prince Anderson Cooper, the network's poster boy & golden child.

3. AT&T. Their slogan "Rethink Possible" should be rerouted as 'Rethink Dropped Calls." They are universally accepted as the most overrated cell phone service in the game right now, dropping more calls in more places than Americans know what to do with, except for complain. They also fill up the most annoying advertising airtime during popular television out of any major provider save maybe T-Suckile. Their other slogan, "More Bars In More Places" inspires more revolt

4. Bank of America. Fees, fees, and more fees for America's most used and insolvent bank. 20 minute ATM waits, overdraft fees, deposit fees, threat of maintenance fees JUST FOR HAVING A DEBIT CARD (a move which was wisely averted thanks to a customer revolt). 20 minutes on your phone bill to wait for customer service anytime you are having an issue. You get the point.

5. Verizon. Even though they are universally acknowledged as the most dependable cell phone provider, everyone who has them still finds something to complain about; namely the cost of their service. We are in a tough economic times that's for certain. But even workers who earn $60,000 a year will complain nonstop about forking over 200 bucks a month for a cell phone service that doesn't drop calls and can give you an automatic wireless hotspot upon request. Then there's the whiners in other cell phone providers who are always saying "I SHOULD" or "We COULD switch to Verizon and not have to deal with all my bullshit", but ultimately they never do & are stuck ruining your office's holiday party or happy hour by complaining the whole night about AT&T.

6. Facebook. Love them or hate them, you ARE a Facebook user in 2011. There's just no way you haven't at least considered opening a facebook account, after seeing "The Social Network" be the movie of the year and having heard about just about every person you've ever known asking you if you're on Facebook. With so many damn people using the site, they're going to find something to complain about sooner or later. For many, it's the privacy, and how people can see such-and-such. For others, it's how they think no one freakin' cares about people's posts. For others, it's the constant updates & changes to the site which their six figure salary developers in California often implement, maybe just to screw with people. Every one they make produces a firestorm of "Has Facebook jumped the shark" criticism, but somehow they still do it without caring & the people will still continue to use the site. It don't cost you a thing, but you people still can't stop saying 'Fuck Facebook", saying how you keep wanting to get off the site but never do, on and on and on.

7. Chase. Their annoying ads. Chase freedom. Chase what matters. Their annoying soft talker who does the voiceover. Their $500 credit lines on cards they advertise as getting thousands in cash back, due to confusing policies that make little sense. Their confusing website & online banking signup process. Their mobile app that apparently lets you deposit checks by phone but still no one seems to like. Their FEES, fees, fees. They're on this list.

8. Ticketmaster/Live Nation. Now that a conglomerate has been formed for the ticketing industry, consumers of sports, concerts & theater still cannot stop complaining about how damn expensive their favorite team or favorite band is. With parking, beer, & merch prices skyrocketing in a down economy you will hear it from the fans. "We just can't afford it anymore", etc, etc. I notice that whenever there is an opportunity to boo someone or something at these games or concerts, the people do so loudly and almost as excitedly as they cheer when the band/team comes out. With ridiculous entertainment prices, there is almost no show or game people will leave happy for, because they know that once it ends there may be hours of sitting in traffic & the no-one-wants-to-do-it responsibility of finding a designated driver.

9. The NFL & NBA (tie). When America's two monoliths of popular sport were locked out heading into the summer, you would not hear the end of the whining from fans, saying how greedy and ego-driven the overpaid athletes & greedy owners were to deprive them of their favorite medication. Meanwhile, both sports thankfully ended their lockouts with very little fan causalty, and the fans still went to the games & still watched ardently as ever. Instead they began complaining about more normal things, such as their team's stupid signings and contracts, their team getting "cheated" by the refs, conspiracy theories between the league & certain franchises, & the insane ticket prices for bad seats and beer/food/merch prices at the arenas/stadiums.

10. Major League Baseball. Even though baseball had no labor problems this year, the diminishing attention spans of Americans & lack of Big Five sports markets in the later rounds of the playoffs (no NYC, Chicago, Boston, or LA teams past the divisional round), kept the masses less than interested in the game of baseball in 2011. Even during the summer, they took every chance to complain about it: "It's not as exciting as football", "I just don't have the time for our crap team" , & "The games go on for too damn long!" being among the top rants, as well as the obligatory tickets/ballpark beer/parking/merch prices & greedy ownership grumbling.

11. BlackBerry. Almost everywhere, you hear "I fucking hate my Blackberry". It has a typepad the size of my hand & apparently the best email answering interface so people can type constantly, but everyone who has one always grumbles: either they need an IPhone but can't afford one, they need their apps, they need a better provider, their calls drop, or they can't stand RIM interface. Either way, very rarely will you hear anyone discussing how much they love their Blackberry.

Honorable Mentions: FourSquare: "Why do people feel the need to f'ing broadcast where they are?? I don't freakin' care. Can't stand that shit", Time Warner, NBC: "The Office just isn't funny anymore. WHYYYY?", Happy Madison Productions, Twitter: "I just don't get Twitter/Why do people feel the need to tweet everything they do/I don't f'in care what celebs are doing", HBO: "They charge like 200 bucks extra on my cable bill for like, 2 shows." & "They got Curb, one of the best shows ever, but what else? True blood? I don't have time for vampire sex" (Actual quote overheard in office hallway)

Companies that did NOT make the cut: Congrats to Apple (RIP Steve Jobs), Google/Youtube, Microsoft, ESPN, Spotify, Wal-Mart, Craigslist, Monster, Coachella, JetBlue, The Green Bay Packers, and every other major tech/food/sports/clothing/accessories corporation that did not make it. Either you had a great year & products that everyone agreed were cool (I-I-Iphone?), your products or services didn't have enough buzz to even be considered for casual conversation, or your haters were really discrete & generally kept their mouths shut. Here's to another great year in corporate America!

Top 11 Halloween Costumes for NYC 2011 (Updated)

2011-10-24T06:14:00.001-07:00

The following is a reprint of a column I published at the beginning of the month, with the countdown to Halloween weekend officially on and people all over the nation scrambling to find a costume:

If you've never been to NYC for Halloween weekend (since Halloween is on a Monday it will likely turn into a 3-day costume and booze-fest this year), it is basically Mardi Gras East. Many a group of drones from North Carolina to Pittsburgh up to Buffalo and Maine will unaimously agree to "NYC!" as their Halloween weekend destination, having spent over a grand on their group costume and no place in their suburban town to take it.

So travel plans from all over the US are set in motion and the streets of the West Village and lower Manhattan basically turn into a clusterfuck of guys & girls showing off their costumes, doing pop culture catch-phrase shoutalongs & chants, and paying ridiculous covers after waiting long lines to get into bars, just so they can get even more wasted on overpriced drinks.

As the calendar month approaches the last weekend of October, the question is raised in many a bar, apartment, and office: "What are we gonna do for Halloween this year?" Hordes of people start looking around their closets and ramsacking Ebay for anything that could remotely cut it for an original Halloween costume, to turn heads on a night when everyone's looking for attention, and maybe finally seal the deal with a cutie in a nurse costume.

So what ARE people gonna be this year? Here's 11 educated guesses:

1. Slutty (Name of Costume): Of course, for the ladies. Halloween is the one weekend of the year when the girls can dress slutty in any context they want, without being viewed amongst their circle as an official slut. Doesn't really matter the costume. The consensus from guys across the US is that Halloween is the one weekend that any guy can get laid. You can be hated, dejected, and despised year-round, but on Halloween you aren't you. A guy can be anything they wanna be, and on Halloween the girls are more likely to give in to whatever stupid acts the drones might do to attract them, since there is an anything-goes atmosphere in the air and everyone is drunk.

2. Zombies. Could be a zombie anything. Zombie football players, zombie doctors, zombie Michael Jacksons, people will use basically any excuse to wear blood and get made up like a zombie. There are so many real-life cultural zombies and mindless sheeple in this generation that the zombie is the perfect Halloween costume for the era. And to add to that all the Zombie fascinations on TV and the big screen: true blood, walking dead, twilight, vampire diaries, so on and so on. Last week on 14th St, a group of people jumped the gun and arranged a Zombie parade in honor of TV's The Walking Dead. In some circles, the village Halloween parade is known as a "Zombie shit-show". I've heard that term on multiple times. Only in NYC? Possibly.

3. Whatever team just won the World Series. This year, thankfully, baseball will be over and done with by Halloween weekend, unlike 2 years ago when a pivotal game of the Yankees' World Series coincided with Halloween night, and people wasted 5 prime hours crowded around a TV screen waiting for a guy to throw a ball. Since the World Series will be fresh in people's minds, a quick-fix costume option will be to dress up as whatever team or players just won the World Series (Rangers or Cardinals), and join the championship bandwagon if you will, even though this year's Series features 2 teams relatively few people care about on the east coast.

4. Whatever NFL team is doing well. For any team that is 5-2 or better, expect the fans of that team to dress up in full costume and do a ton of macho posturing and competitive bullshitting (Best guesses: 49ers guys, Aaron Rodgers's, Tim Tebows). The drones' minds are so fickle, and so many of them are only obsessed with who is winning right now. Besides, it saves them money to wear only their NFL jersey and have people cheering for them anyway. Personal Memory: in 2006, the Chicago Bears were making a surprising run en route to the Super Bowl (the one with Rex Grossman, for those of us who judge time by who played in the Super Bowl each year). A group of guys went absolutely jacked up as Bill Swerski's Superfans, leading an entire block in the East Village in yelling out "Daaaaa Bearrrrrssss" chants (ironically, my only clear memory from Halloween 2006)

5. Jersey Shore. They just won't go away, will they? Expect a lot of guido/tussled hair, massive fist-pump circles at the bars, fake tanned skin, and Snookis. Yes, there will be Snooki (!! or UGHHHH, whatever reaction comes to mind) I'm sure there's at least one group of drones somewhere that is jacked up, calling all their friends to tell them: "Halloween. The Village. We're the Jersey Shore! Who's in?"

6. Wilfred. There's no WAY the most talked-about show of the summer will not become this year's must-have Halloween costume. It's a show about a man in a dog costume who becomes the best friend of a depressed stoner. The season did end in September, but there will be a ton of Wilfreds this year I know. Adult male dog costumes on ebay are going up to $350.

7. Any character from True Blood/Boardwalk Empire or Larry David. Drones generally tend to eat up anything on HBO. The trend will continue this year; I'd be surprised if Entourage has an official costume after the series finale that no one really liked, but outfits from True Blood and especially Boardwalk Empire will generate huge sales. And I'm sure there's at least one Jewish drone in New York who is hellbent on going as Larry David after an awesome 8th season of Curb.

8. The Green Man from "Always Sunny in Philadelphia". There's always a ton of "green guys" or red guys, whatever. Another costume that just won't go away. It's a full body suit, it's easy to put on, and apparently you can see through it. (having never been a Green Man I can only assume that's the case) And since FX is actually making the official Greenman this year, you'll be seeing a ton of them all around Manhattan. Outside of sports games I'm not exactly sure what purpose they serve. But I'm sure there's at least one group of guys who are absolutely jacked up to go as The Colored Men.

9. Anyone from Harry Potter. This is the "Um, dude, it's over" costume. Since this year marked the very last time people will ever care about Harry Potter, people might dress up as characters from the franchise "just to pay tribute". My advice, stay away from a "just to pay tribute" costume, because chances are you'll either be one of thousands and no one will care, or it'll be 5 months since the movie and everyone will have completely forgotten about it. Since NYC is an ADULT Halloween celebration, I'd go with the latter.

10. Occupy Wall Street. There will be all kinds of costume references to the "Occupy Wall Street" movement, a protest against corporate greed that started on Wall Street and has spread worldwide, with its rallying cry "We Are The 99%". Whether or not the Occupy folks will be coming down to the Village for this weekend's festivities? Only one way to find out. But their message is now all over the mainstream media, and the drones are well aware of it. There may be some group costumes with creative spins on "The 99%" slogan, and maybe a few Wall Street Bankers and Bernie Madoff type costumes, who will go only for the purpose of being hated, pushed around, and shouted at throughout the course of the weekend. There's always a few of those (just ask anyone who went as Lebron James last year). Or maybe Occupy won't be a factor in this year's Halloween festivities, but being that it's become a big part of the NYC social scene and conversation, that's unlikely.

11. Dead Ghadafi/Dead Bin Laden. Dead Ghadafi would make a lot of sense, considering it's a news event fresh in everyone's mind, and who doesn't want to have a little fake blood on their hands or head on Halloween? Dead Bin Laden is one I'd stay away from, especially in NYC. I'm sure at least some people will be doing this one to make a "patriotic statement". But I'm telling you Halloween is a time to get drunk and have fun in costume, not a time for patriotic statements. Besides, if your costume actually is the corpse of Bin Laden, it might have the opposite effect. You might get booed, heckled, cursed out, or have something even worse happen to you. It's New York, so all bets are off on what might happen. If you want to be patriotic, be a Navy seal, soldier, Landon Donovan/Hope Solo, Thomas Jefferson, anyone else. I'm warning you, STAY AWAY from Dead Bin Laden, as awesome as you think it might be.

Runner-Ups: LMFAO's, Deadmau5's, Bad Republican Candidates (most of whom are so bad & forgettable they're not even worth mocking), The Three Musketeers, Locked Out Melo's, Amy Winehouse Zombies, Steve Jobs IPhone-Toting Zombies (poor taste), Macho Man Randy Savage's & other 80s wrestlers, 80s hair bands, and any other random thing from the 80s.

Songs That Would Rock as College Football Entrance Themes

2011-08-31T10:50:00.001-07:00

Ohh-oh-OHHHHH-oh-oh-ohhhhh-ohhhh
You know what that sound means. College Football is here! With the institution of "Seven Nation Army" as America's official sports chant & "Enter Sandman" serving as a chill-inducing entrance for both baseball and college football, and the song "Zombie Nation" forever associated to Penn State, I've come to think about what other songs could make for an electrifying and fear-inducing college football entrance, going into the holiday weekend. Here's a few alternative choices that sprang to mind.

For a chill down your spine: Steel Dragon- Blood Pollution. This song was Izzy Cole's first song as a heavy metal frontman in "Rock Star", and seeing him come out with this bass line and threatening guitar gave me chills. "Stand Up and Shout" from the same movie is now a stadium staple.
Teams it could work for: Any team whose color is red and black, or anything that resembles blood. Hearing a crowd of 60,000 kids yelling "Gimme Blood!" & wilding out is not something I want to see as an opponent. First teams that come to mind are Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns and Houston Cougars.

For "Fear the Mascot": Dinosaur Jr.- Sludgefeast
Dinosaur JR? I know they're not the most intimidating-looking guys, but listen to this opening series of riffs and tell me it doesn't make you feel a little bit of menace, like skies threatening to drop a tornado on you or something really big and scary coming closer. I can easily see a team coming out to this.
Team it could work for: The most obvious one would be UMass, since all members of Dinosaur Jr. are from Amherst, and basically anywhere in the mountains/with crazy mountain hicks (West Virginia, Appalachian State, Western Kentucky, Utah State) Who wouldn't be scared of those opening power chords at 0:11?

For "Yew Don't Wanna Mess Wit' Those Crazy Rednecks": Pantera- Walk. This for me would be an obvious choice for a Southern powerhouse with an intimidating crowd. Pantera came roaring out of Texas in the early 1990s looking like deranged truckers and playing metal so ass-kicking that radio programmers had no choice but to sit up and listen. Surprised this song isn't a football staple along the lines of AC/DC.
Teams it could work for: A school deep in Texas, Alabama, Missisippi, and the like. Some that come to mind are Troy, UTEP, Baylor, Rice, South Alabama, Miss State. The college kids would go absolutely apeshit with the tough-as-nails sound of Phil Anselmo's voice.

For "Random Techno Song That Somehow Makes The Kids Go Crazy": The "Zombie Nation" phenomenon has hit schools such as Penn State hard, and South Carolina kids have a similar tradition with the "Sandstorm" rave party. For a new one, I nominate "Move Your Feet" by Junior Senior, a song that was annoying at the time and made one of the first IPod ads. As random as some of these "rave parties" are at college games, this random early-2000s rave out has a bass line which I can easily see drones & college kids singing along too as easily as Zombie Nation or 7 Nation Army.
Teams it could work for: Usually the Big Ten and smaller conferences in the Midwest adopt these cheesy techno songs, so I'd say someone along the lines of Eastern Michigan, Indiana State, Drake, Illinois

For "Black People Go To College Too" Hip-Hop Dance Party: A few years back, the UCF football team went viral by rocking out to "Crank 'Dat" much to the delight of the student body. Similarly, every college team seems to have a hip-hop dance fad every season. This year I nominate "2Pac Back" by Meek Mill/Rick Ross- it is a very scary and official-sounding beat.

Teams it could work for: Temple (since Meek Mill yells out "Philly!"), UMiami or USF since Ross is a South Florida guy, Georgia Tech, Maryland, or basically any other football school in the middle of a major city with a sizable black student base.

For "The Ultimate Rock-Out Moment": "Aces High" by Iron Maiden"

Why Iron Maiden hasn't caught on at sports games is beyond me, but if an up and coming football team comes out with Iron freakin' Maiden, and has a crowd of 50,000 rocking out to "Aces High", doing a crazy dance for this superfast headbanger, that's some rock n' roll bliss whether or not the team wins.
Teams it could work for: Something having to do with flight, maybe Air Force, Bowling Green, Dayton, Eastern Washington. Or maybe Colorado State, cause half the state IS high.

For "We're From The Streets, You Country Bitches": "Down on the Street" by Iggy & The Stooges. One of my favorite montage clips, was used for a gun battle in "Smokin' Aces" & in several other films. You can feel the grit in this song, and that will work well for any program that takes raw urban street kids and turns them into football players.
Teams it can work for: Eastern/Western/Central Michigan (the Stooges came from Ann Arbor), Northwestern (because Iggy makes several animal noises near the beginning), Cincinnati, Pitt.

For "This Isn't Going To Be Close. We Have The Power!"- Rage Against The Machine- Wake Up. For college students especially, Rage Against the Machine is the recipe for turning a party into a riot, for turning a "casual hangout" into an all out mosh-fest. Similarly, Rage's music could be the recipe for an all-time great intimidating college football entrance.
Teams it can work for: UCLA, USC, Fresno State, Hawaii, Clemson, Arizona State, New Mexico

For "We're From The Middle Of Nowhere, All We Know Is Football!": Soil- Pride A similar-sounding song, Rev Theory's "Hell Yeah" is the theme for Blue Mountain State, a great TV show about a team from the middle of nowhere that parties hard, kicks ass, and takes names. When you hear that beat & guy screaming; that hard, metallic testosterone crunch, something about a song like this just SOUNDS like football.
Teams it could work for: North/South Dakota, Montana (Home of the Snow Rave), Idaho, Kansas St, Wyoming, New Mexico St

For "That's What I Do! I Lay. People. OUUUUUTTTTTT!": Marcy Playground- It's Saturday
Quoting Thad Castle from BMS there, and this is basically a category for the real blue-collar bruisers, the meat & potatoes manly man football that makes grown men drool over these guys' balls, both in college and at the professional level. This song doesn't exactly scream football, but every Saturday you know these guys are gonna be there for you punishing their opponents & making them wish they'd never been born.
Teams it could work for: Alabama, Wisconsin, Boise State, Oklahoma St, and the school with the best pump-up videos in the nation, Nebraska!

Are you ready for some fooooooottbbbballlllllllllll!?????

Vegas’ Balance Sheets Weren’t The Only Thing That Got Destroyed at the Super Bowl

2011-02-13T09:30:00.000-08:00

Vegas’ Balance Sheets Weren’t The Only Thing That Got Destroyed at the Super Bowl

By Scot Sherman
February 7th, 2011 at 9:37 am

Share this on del.icio.us
Digg this!
Share this on Reddit
Buzz up!
Stumble upon something good? Share it on StumbleUpon
Share this on Technorati
Share this on Mixx
Share this on Facebook
Tweet This!
Share this on Linkedin

An all-time ratings record, set just last year, got destroyed as well. As were the hopes of the masses that their NFL is the most “perfect”, pristine, and satisfying sport in the world. As were the career & reputation arcs of Christina Aguilera, Slash, The Black Eyed Peas, A-Rod, Groupon.com, and many others. Heck, I don’t think there was a single non-uniformed person who appeared onscreen in front of the masses at Super Bowl 45 yesterday who didn’t get heckled on Twitter, destroyed by the press, or at least suffer a reputation hit. Whatever Aguilera was drinking before she totally blanked on the words to our National Anthem, I think we all need a shot of that.

Even Fox, the network who shoved the horrendous Glee down our faces time and time again during its coverage, took 4 or 5 opportunities to cutaway to former President George W. Bush sitting in his luxury box, resulting in loud boos & throwing food at the TV at bars where the game was being shown, a couple which resulted in a TV getting destroyed and the room busting out in cheers. Talk about reputation hits.

Just the fact Bush was THERE was an ominous sign this Super Bowl was turning out to be a Katrina-sized disaster, publicity-wise, money-wise, and reputation-wise for America’s most powerful sports league. The league had us at their mercy with the world watching, yet did nothing to address the most important issues of the day.

More importantly than Aaron Rodgers being masterful and leading the Green Bay Packers to a record 14th NFL title in a closely contested game, the media failed to address the 2 elephants in the room that loomed larger than the Empire State Building-sized Jumbotron hovering above Cowboys Stadium.

The first was the fact that the NFL screwed it’s hard-working consumers out of hard-earned money by not dealing with important structural issues until the day of the game, telling 850 die-hard Steelers and Packer fans that their tickets ($900 for face, who knows how much more if they were bought on the secondary market) were moved to a TV-only section, meaning they traveled all the way to Dallas and took out over a third of their yearly earnings just so they could WATCH THE GAME ON A TV. They got nothing.

And there was another 400 whom the NFL told that their seats were no good period, leaving them scrambling for other tickets or watching the game on a screen outside the stadium, WHICH THE NFL CHARGED ADMISSION FOR. No one on TV made any mention of this all game long.

The generous $2300 basically “thank you for dealing with our incompetence” packages the NFL offered to those 400 fans did not make up for hotel costs, airline costs, & the sheer amount of time they spent due to various weather delays. From what was reported, these little gifts did little to take away the sour taste in fan’s mouths, leading into what could be a very painful offseason, the biggest elephant in the room. Roger Goodell is clearly squirming.

People have heard the “L-Word” being thrown around in various columns, yet they can’t compute it being anywhere near a reality, although it would result in an earth-shattering profit loss for the league, it’s sponsors, and all involved. If you’re not satisfied by the quality of the game that was put on for you yesterday, and not medicated enough to get you through the offseason, I got two words for you: Start praying.

Because the players, who get to hibernate every year to Gulfstream jets and private islands, might not be happy with the current labor deal, there is a possibility we might not have a season next year. It’s Monday, the Gatorade has been dumped and confetti has flown over the Packers. What now?

To end on a positive note, for all the uncertainty, losers, & reputation hits that occurred on last night’s Super Bowl, the big winner was the general public that bet on the game, and the biggest loser was Vegas & the sportsbooks. Give yourself a big pat on the back if you took the Packers and cashed in, as I was telling you to all week long.

Not only did they win, but they covered! And the Steelers covered for the 2nd half, and the total went Over, making this only the second time since 2000 that Vegas’ sportsbooks lost a ton of money on the Super Bowl. Congratulations to everyone who won money (I cashed in $162), and congrats to the Packers. And to everyone else who loves football, just keep your head up, continue to re-enjoy the thrilling game you just saw (sans annoying ads), and hope for the best. If you wish for it, good things will come, like another classic Super Bowl next year in Indy!!

The Facts Regarding Next Year's Potential Lockout

2010-12-23T09:19:00.000-08:00

1. Yes, most likely there will be a lockout
2. Yes, most likely you will care about it.
3. No, you will not understand why it's Sunday, September 4, 2011 at 1PM, and your favorite team is not playing. That's the only reason you will care about it.
4. There will most likely be no Super Bowl in 2012. Mayan philosophers also believe the world will end in 2012. Which would you find more devastating?
5. Don't bother going on Youtube posting on every NFL-related video "There should be a law making it illegal to have to work on Monday after an NFL Sunday". Next year, you might not even have your precious NFL Sunday.
6. The average intelligence of an NFL fan is 24.7 percent lower than the cognitive ability it will take a human being to grasp why negotiations have stalled on Collective Bargaining Agreements and the players are unhappy with their revenue splits.
7. The average NFL fan does not want to think about a year without Sunday football, or anything rooted in reality beyond the alternate one created by their favorite team.
8. Sports bar and beer revenue will drop 65-80% without Sunday NFL Package and Monday Night Football.
9. Possibility of riots in America next fall upon learning an NFL season next year will not happen: 80% higher than if there is a potentially classic game of football to look forward to on Sunday. The Greeks dont need that cue, but Americans do.
10. Possibility the NBA players will follow the NFL players' lead and lock out their season as well, in the event: 45-55%
But wait... it's not all bad news!
11. Average salary revenue an NFL fan drops per season: tickets, secondary market spiked-price tickets, ridiculously overpriced concessions, tailgate stuff, gas, merchandise, parking, beers at bars watching games, beer + food at home for couch time, NFL Sunday Package at home & Preseason Package on the computer (just because there's nothing better to relieve the August sporting doldrums): $7,422. And that's just NFL. In Boston, they drop an average of 60% of their yearly earnings on all their teams.
12. Amount of hard-earned (especially in '11) money the average fan will SAVE next year in the event of a lockout: $7,422
13. Amount of time dependence the average American worker has per season on the NFL being played: conversation minutes, waiting for rides, waiting for friends, riding to stadiums, tailgating, post-game grub, buying all kinds of merch & tickets, sitting at bars watching, waiting for the damn cable guy to show up with your NFL package, Bears with Beers (or whoever your team is), beer + food runs for your couch sessions & various NFL-related drinking games: 35 Days, 14 hours, 3 minutes.
14. Amount of time saved in the event of a lockout, where you could be doing something productive to further our existence as human beings, or write that novel (and blog) that have been kicking around for years:... yep, you guessed it: 35 Days, 14 Hours, and 3 Freakin' Minutes!

This is a serious issue here, and it looks like that's where the athletes are headed. If you want this to be prevented, take action now! I got the NFL office here in the city, so I'll do my part.

This Decade in Super Bowl Halftime Shows

2010-12-13T08:20:00.000-08:00

2010: The Who
2011: The Black Eyed Peas
2012: Cheap Trick (second on the list this year, they'll give em 2012 as consolation. I think they're still gonna throw in a dinosaur every few years, just to mess with us. Besides, in a year there might not even be a Super Bowl god forbid, they'll go with the cheesiest, most forgettable halftime band out of the lot)
2013: The Smashing Pumpkins (by 2013 1990s nostalgia will be cresting at an all-time high, so Mr. Corgan will succumb to the loads of money being thrown at him to suck it up, join his original bandmates, and play a monster Tonight, Tonight/1979/Disarm/Today Super Bowl set)
2014: Billy Joel/Jay-Z/Coldplay/Mary J Blige/Nelly (in 2014 the Bowl is in New York, so i think this one is gonna get ultra-gimmicky. They're gonna have two "New York icons" in Joel and Jay-Z, MJB to get the ladies onboard, Coldplay because Jay won't do anything without them, and Nelly because he's already a master at working his way into "gimmicky" Super Bowl spots)
2015: Lady Gaga (sorry Little Monsters, assuming her next 2 records don't tank worse than Madonna's "American life", you're gonna have to wait 5 years til Stefani Germanotta and her Monster Ball tour are billed "safe enough" to fill the biggest audience of any musical performance spot in the world. They're not gonna take any chances after NippleGate, but as in Hollywood, it's "one for the dinosaurs, then one for the kids", and I think Billy Joel will fill the dinosaur quota.)
2016: AC/DC (The last of the dinosaurs that have never played the Bowl. They'll be due for a new world tour in '16, and their music is so sononymous with football and male testosterone that it's a no-brainer they'll get it one of these years)
2017: No live performance, just a giant video screen Beatles montage flanked by Cirque de Soleil (One of these years, they're gonna completely drop the ball and give in to a record company sales push for a long dead-and-gone artist. Paul McCartney will do anything for a buck, but they've already been there and done that. Besides, before 2000 halftime shows really were this lame.)
2018: The White Stripes (By 2018, America will be indulged in an early-2000s nostalgia boom, and "Seven Nation Army" will be recognized as America's official sports national anthem, so they'll trot out Jack and Meg to give the drones their precious "ohhh-ohhh-AHHH-ooooh-ohhh-owwww-ohhhhh" song. Setlist: Fell In love With A Girl/Dead Leaves & The Dirty Ground/My Doorbell/Seven Nation Army. Pop culture cycles are funny.)
2019: Radiohead (By the end of this decade, Radiohead will be in "we're sorry we were pretentious pricks, but now we really need the money so we'll sell out in any way possible" mode and play the Super Bowl with a setlist highlighted by "Creep", the song they would be NOWHERE without, but have refused to play because "we're more pretentious than that".

What I Don't Get about the new Black Eyed Peas joint

2010-11-29T12:12:00.000-08:00

What the hell are these guys thinking? They try to market themselves as the most "innovative" and "cutting edge" band in the world. Meanwhile, they BLATANTLY STOLE the hook of this new single from "Dirty Dancing" bucking the trend Jay-Z started last year of hip-hop people straight up jacking hooks from popular 80s songs and stealing all shot of the original artists retaining any creative rights. Good luck finding a search for "Forever Young" that doesn't have Jay-Z's name come up somewhere. I double-dare you.

That said, I think the dudes from Dirty Dancing should count their money now, enjoy the newfound wealth, and know they will be forever disassociated with their song, in favor of the Black Eyed Peas. All I can tell you is that if the rest of the record is this lame, half the fans will walk out next year after "I've got a feeling, WOOO-HOOOO, that tonight's gonna be..." ah who am I kidding, you know the rest.

They're trying to rebrand themselves as the most hip and "technological" band of their generation, when meanwhile they're releasing their second rushed out "more of the same" album in 5 years (See "Business, Monkey"). That breaks in line with every music business taboo: I'd say one "more of the same" rushout record per decade should be the tipping point.

Their arc is this: late-90s underground LA rappers ("That's The Joint") add girl & Filipino guy with weird name to group, collabo with JT ("Where's The Love) and finally get a breakthrough hit, make a couple more stupid-rap singles (Let's Get Retarded, Hey Mama), follow up a year and a half later with a record a monkey coulda wrote ("My Humps", "Pump It", "Don't Phunk With My Heart") establish girl as a breakout solo star (Fergie's "London Bridge"), rebrand themselves as the movement for a generation, male lead thinking he's bigger than Jesus after posturing for an obvious winning Presidential candidate like it's HIS victory (Will.I.Am's "Yes We Can", "It's A New Day"), embrace techno and gain worldwide success on stupid-drone choruses ("Boom Boom Pow", "I've Gotta Feeling", sorry, any chorus with "WOOOO-HOOO" in there somewhere is designed to be a singalong for the dumbest of the dumb), then follow it up a year later with a chorus pilfered from 1980s royalty, play the Super Bowl, and have drones follow them all the way to their banks.

It's obvious that this record and tour are subsequently gonna be the biggest grossers of 2011. I don't doubt that. What I doubt is that the production and singles from this album will lower the bar for corniness, steal from everyone, and be the ultimate in more-of-the-same. Last one was "The E.N.D.", this one is "The Beginning". Beginning of WHAT? Is there a story arc here that I'm missing? The #1 lesson I learned in my years as a music consumer: NEVER bite on a more-of-the-same. It will leave you feeling disappointed, stupid, result in unsatisfying listens, and have you mindlessly dropping another 100 when the band comes around on tour to see if they can redeem themselves for a crap album live.

So, is this really a MOTS consumer trap? Let's take a look at the tracklist for hints:

1. The Time (Dirty Bit)(Yep, this is the Dirty Dancing ripoff/club single. Get used to it)
2. Light Up The Night (Pretty common hip-hop imagery posturing. Not much to say)
3. Love You Long Time (Guess this is a Fergie showcase, stupid chorus)
4. XOXOXO (OMG. NO. Usher already did that this year)
5. Someday (every band has a song with this title somewhere. NO Feat. Chad Kroeger?)
6. Whenever (Anytime but Now)
7. Fashion Beats (That's a Victoria's Secret ad campaign. Throw us some $)
8. Don’t Stop The Party (We didn't. You guys just waited a year to spoonfeed us more crap)
9. Do It Like This (Like... how?)
10. The Situation (Bonus Track) (giving a nod to the most obnoxious pop cultural fad to rear it's head in 2010: Da Jersey Shore)
11. The Coming (Bonus Track) (Coming of age? Coming of the greatest band on the planet? What?)
12. Own It (Bonus Track) (Just like we own da cluubs)
13. The Best One Yet (The Boy) (Another Fergie showcase probably. How many of those can she get per record?)
14. Just Can’t Get Enough (And you're NOT ripping off MJ HOW?)
15. Play It Loud (And Pump It! Like they do every night, right?)

I'd say avoid this album at all circumstances. If you have to watch them at the Super Bowl (Yes, you're gonna HAVE to), then just do that, save yourself some bucks. Listen to the original "Dirty Dancing" for all I care. As long as you recognize the musical, and monetary thievery, at work with this long-established major-label trick. If you'll excuse me I'm gonna go listen to "Celebrity" by N'Sync... oh dammit my sister threw that one in the trash 9 years ago. Similar fate for "The Beginning"?

What Music Used To Be About (For Me)

2010-11-13T07:03:00.000-08:00

Music used to be about standing around for hours packed like sardines in a crowd with the vague hope that someone cool MIGHT show up (nowadays I can just read any blog or watch Youtube to find out if something cool actually happened, and laugh at all the idiots who bit if nothing did)

Music used to be about following crowds across fields and gang-sprinting when the house doors opened for prime stage position. Nowadays, it's about hanging back, coming in when the band starts, sitting on the edge of the crowd, drinking a few beers and leaving before the encore to beat the traffic if they're phoning it in. I'll leave it up to the other idiots to drool over their balls. Besides, at every show there is a guy first or second row with a camera, so if i missed something cool it's on Youtube. Now i don't have to deal with idiots screaming and yammering random things in my ear in the 2 hours before the band goes on either.

Music used to be about having bottomless wallet even when I was broke. It was about dropping every last cent I had to see a bunch of dinosaurs my parents grew up with. Nowadays, money stays here. Last dinosaur show I went to was AC/DC at MSG. Basically they hyper-inflated the ticket costs just so those guys could inflate a giant Rosie balloon I couldn't even see from where we were sitting. 95 bucks my ass. Next time Thin Lizzy, The Who, The Stones, or any dino act puts out a crap album to come on the road and comes around to "replicate old magic", hiring studio hacks to replace dead dudes, and asking me to drop 200, I'll tell em fuck off. Money stays here. I'd rather stay at home and watch a clip of them playing IN THEIR PRIME, with all members alive. On YouTube, for free. (Note: Not to say that AC/DC's Brian Johnson is a studio hack. But the band were never fucking sellouts with Bon Scott. 'Nuff said.

Music used to be about believing and getting excited about everything I read in magazines: every reunion rumor, every "back to their roots" record, every young band whose new songs "are gonna sound like fucking Queen". Nowadays I realize that the only reason music magazines print such ridiculous and exciting-sounding junk that rarely materializes is so YOU WILL GO BUY THEIR MAGAZINE. It's a business promising things, saying things that will never happen, just so you'll open your damn wallets. My subscriptions may not have run out yet, but nowadays I don't believe a damn word they say.

Music used to be about jumping up and down, pumping my fist until my hand grew sore, drinking like a madman for 5 hours before the band came on just so I can have "the experience". Meanwhile, when I drank that much just for the purpose of seeing a band I didn't remember a damn song they played or thing they did, just remember being sore as shit the next day. Nowadays I stand on the side, relax with the drinking, and just enjoy the band from a distance, or else just stay home, save 60 bucks, and watch one of the 5,000 clips people post the next day on Youtube to show all their friends they were there.

Music used to be about getting excited as crap, almost wetting my pants when a band ran a promo for their new record or appeared on SNL to debut a new song. Nowadays, for better or for worse, the new record is public knowledge 2 months before the damn thing comes out. I can hear any song on it by searching Youtube "New Vultures Album" or "Jack Black new Project" and a bunch of songs will come up which may or may not be new songs by said artist. If you dig long and deep enough, chances are you'll find one of the actual songs. The thrill of hearing new music for the first time is gone, and may never come back, because its all on the freaking Internet 3 months in advance.

Ludacris Discography (2000-2010)

2010-04-26T13:39:00.001-07:00

Ludacris Discography (2000-2010)

To Purchase This Collection: Ludacris Discography- $10

To Go Back to our Selection of Discographies on DVD Click Here

Ludacris DVD Contents:

Ludacris - Back for the First Time (2000)

Ludacris - Word of Mouf (2001)

Ludacris - Chicken N' Beer (2003)

Ludacris - The Red Light District (2004)

Ludacris - Release Therapy (2006)

Ludacris - Theater of the Mind (2008)

Ludacris - Battle of the Sexes (2010)

BB King Collection (1997-2009)

2010-04-26T12:24:00.001-07:00

Band Name

BB King Collection (1956-2009)

To Purchase This Collection: BB King Collection- $20
To Go Back to our Selection of Discographies on DVD Click Here
BB King DVD Contents:
BB King - A Christmas Celebration of Hope
BB King - Ain't nobody home
BB King - Blues on the Bayou
BB King & Bobby Bland - Together For The First Time...Live
BB King & Jimi Hendrix - The Kings Jam
BB King And Friends (1980)
BB King - Live At The BBC (2008)
BB King, Big Mama Thornton, Muddy Waters-Live at Newport
BB King - Live in Africa [1974]
BB King - One Kind Favor (2008)
BB King - The King Of Blues (1980)
BB King - Blues Masters (2003)
BB King and Friends - Ebony Theater Los Angeles
BB King - Completely Well
BB King - Take It Home
BB King - Blues Summit
BB King - Deuces Wild
BB King - Electric BB King
BB King - How Blue Can You Ge
BB King - IN LONDON, 1971
BB King - Indianola Mississippi Seeds
BB King - Kansas City
BB King & Diane Schuur - Heart To Heart
BB King - King Of The Blues (4CD)
BB King - Let The Good Times Roll (Louis Jordan Tribute)
BB King - Live at Ebbets Field May 30 1973 Denver Colorado
BB King - Live at St.Quentin
BB King - Live at The Apollo
BB King - Live at the Regal
BB King - Live in Cook County Jail
BB King - Lucille
BB King - Lucille Talks Back
BB King - Making Love Is Good For You
BB King - Midnight believer
BB King - Reflections
BB King & Eric Clapton - Riding With The King
BB King - Rumble in the Jungle
BB King - Singin´the Blues & The Blues
BB King - Singin' The Blues
BB King - Sings Spirituals
BB King - Six Silver Strings
BB King - Swing Low Sweet Chariot
BB King - The Thrill Is Gone (CLASSIC)
BB King - The Vintage Years (4CD)
BB King - There Is Always One More Time
BB King - When Love Comes to Town - Live
BB King - Why I Sing The Blues (CLASSIC)
BB King - Woke Up This Morning

I Have To Buy This Album! (List 1)

2009-12-15T10:07:00.000-08:00

You remember that time long ago when we used to go out and actually BUY albums in a store? No one from this fucked-up generation remembers the feeling of buying an album in a store. I remember we on the very edge of the GenerationX-Generation Y divide still can recall what it is like to spend hours in your local record store browsing, buying, laughing at the bizarre titles of the records the major labels were offering us on the shelf. To give you guys an idea of what that felt like, we're going to create a store shelf for what records might be on a shelf today, December 2009, in an alternate universe where the record industry a we know it had NOT collapsed. Imagine with me...

(Rap) Da Westside Boyz- Christmas With Me And My Niggerz
(Reggae) Dem Gwaan- Rastafarian Massacre Vol. 2
(Hip-Hop) The Mo'Murder Posse- We'll Murder You
(Comedy) Redneck Pete- Wood'ja Like Sum Fries Wit Dat'??
(Top 40) Slim Pickens- Life Or Death (Cant Decide?)
(Punk) Tawm Gaadner- Feckin' Sawx! (Ft. The Dropkick Murphys)
(Classic Rock) James Mortar- A Dove In My Spiritual Mortar-Tree
(World Music) John Amiable- Happy-Go-Lucky Polka Egregiousness!!!
(Modern Rock) James Callus Emo Band- I've Never Felt This Way Before (But To Answer Your Question, Yes I Have Cut Myself And Bled For My Art)
(Folk) The Folsom Foundry Folk Singers- Gobble, Gobble, Toil, & Trouble
(Rap) Big Balla Jeffrey- Niggas Don't Understand My Pain (Previously Unreleased Box Set)
(Hip-Hop) Carolina Cal- We Tailgatin', Where Da Hoes At?
(Rock) Bill Carpinello- Muffler Installer Blues
(Best Sellers) Jihad Joe & The Taliban- We're Blowing Up
(Country) Nascar Nate- Dem Crackers Is Fast
(Modern Rock) Social System Theory- Disaffected Youth (I Hate My Daddy)
(Best Sellers) Ganja Ganj- Lightin' Up Another Spliff

Personal MJ Nostalgia

2009-06-30T18:05:00.000-07:00

Now that Michael Jackson is dead, basically all I've been hearing over the past five days are stories about how Michael Jackson's music personally changed people's lives. Some make us sad. Some make us happy the King of Pop existed. Some even make us vomit. One way or another, the death of MJ was a moment time seemed to stop. One of those momets when, love him or hate him, everybody had something to say.

For me personally, it didn't effect me much, and I tried not to go to any massive celebration. But ultimately, the magnitude of the moment would catch up with me. An old friend from high school sent me a random facebook Email saying that I was the reason he remembered Michael Jackson, because of an attempt at a moonwalk I did at a dance in 11th grade. At first I was shocked. No, really? I have a reason to care, a reason Michael Jackson's death affected me personally? But whatever, what the hell, it was what it was. He was the King of Pop and he will never be forgotten.

The Kings Of Leon: What The Hell Happened?

2009-06-12T12:18:00.001-07:00

I remember a time when the Kings of Leon were just another band, competing for market share with the most popular bands of the day. They had to compete for college radio airplay and placement on "hip" shows such as Entourage, just like everyone else. That era was 2003, and the other bands of the day were the Strokes, the White Stripes, the Hives, and you could probably imagine the others. But nowadays, the Kings of Leon no longer have to play those games. Because now, the Kings are NOT just another band. They are THE band, the rock n roll saviors, situated on Itunes playlists in between Lady Gaga and Kid Rock. They are performing at ridiculously expensive awards shows. Selling out arenas. And people love them, really, really badly. How bad? Z-100 bad. "13 year old girls will give ANYTHING to go to their show" bad. And how do I feel about all of this? I feel like I've just been punched in the fucking gut. Really, really hard.

I used to like Kings of Leon way, way back in the day, when they were the only Skynyrd and Southern blues-influenced band on my college radio station. I even bought a Kings of Leon T-shirt, went to a Kings of Leon concert, because in college it was the "cool thing" to do. Back then it was cool, because no one knew who the fuck they were. Arrogant siblings who squabbled backstage, sang and played like they didn't give a fuck what anyone thought, and rocked out consistently and thoroughly without a radio hit that anyone knew. This WAS a cool band. Or so I thought. (By the way, "Pistol of Fire" is a kickass song. I will give them that. Not in their live repoirtoire anymore. Fuck that)

These were the days when people HATED them. The press hated them, Americans hated them, and other bands thought they were douchebags. And that's exactly why I liked them. But that was just for a few months. Then, their music did start getting featured on shows such as the the aforementioned "Entourage" and movies like "Cloverfield" And they started to gain a reputation as "that party band": swilling booze on the Lower East Side, fucking supermodel chicks, appearing in tabloids, having celebrities hanging out backstage at their shows. That's where their slow decent into shit started.

Then last year, they released their second album in two years, "Only If By Night". Same thing they pulled back in 05' with "Aha Shake Heartbreak": release the same record two years in a row and market it as being "a huge step forward" or "sonically expanding" or whatever bullshit excuse bands give their fans to buy the same product.

But the problem was, the American people didn't treat this Kings of Leon record like they did the one before. Because apparently, on this one you could actually understand what the fuck their singer was saying. And it had singles. Huge singles. So last summer, they released their first single, "Sex On Fire", and it became a hit. The chorus: "Yeeeahahhhhhh! This sex is on fire!" Definitely a chorus the beer-swilling idiots of America can rally around. And definitely added to their "party-band" image.
Stupid chorus, stupid song. And THAT's how they became popular. Dumb their shit down for Nascar Joe to sing along to.

This single became way too big too fast. And the follow up "Use Somebody" is now being hailed as the "power ballad" of the new millenium. Every teenager in the country knows the words. That's great. Just fucking great. I have always hated power ballads. And now, to have girls claiming that they were "fans from the beginning" when really they're bandwagon groupie fuckers, the band is really in a bad place.

Then they played Madison Square Garden. Usually when a band plays MSG, it's just another stop on their tour and that's it. But the Kings of Leon would not shut the FUCK up for months about how they played MSG. They even released a live album called "Kings Of Leon: Live At MSG". WHO FUCKING CARES? Now, stupid girls will not shut the fuck up about them. They and the Killers have somehow enraptured even the stupidest and blandest members of "Idiot America". There's girls who don't know what a Stock is, what a Bailout is, yet know every word of "Only If By Night".

I HATE Kings of Leon now. Fame destroyed this band. People now are claiming them as the "saviors of rock n roll", when really each record, each single they make gets worse and worse. How can one family produce a bunch of degenerate, douchebag, sellout fuckers. I truly with they had been a bunch of girls who never picked up a guitar. Or had just never been born. As of right now, I'd take either one.

The State Of Music

2009-03-29T09:52:00.000-07:00

Music, whether you like it or not, is ALL about corporate commercialization, and slimy guys in suits and ties who want to sell a streamlined product to make a quick buck

Music is about dinosaurs who roam the earth, and ask you to to shell out 200 bucks every three years or so to go and hear them put a "new" spin on songs that sucked when they first came out 30 years ago.

Music is about the anticipation of the house lights going down, and you and your 20,000 best friends just going absolutely apeshit, for a band you don't even like that much.

Music is about clapping and screaming your freakin' head off for 20 minutes for the slight chance that same band that you don't even like too much might come back out and do a half-assed encore.

Music is about getting waaasted with your buds, and using any excuse to clap and scream.

Music is about celebrating made-up milestones that you technically should not give a shit about (Ex. this is our first tour with all original members in 20 years).

Music is about branding and streamlining a band, a sound, a look, for rampant commercial consumption.

Music is about re-releasing and re-re-releasing (in a remixed/legacy/deluxe edition) the same old tired product, for lack of drive to create anything new to release and to capitalize on the fact that some bands'fans will buy absolutely ANYTHING.

Music is about dudes who partied way too hard back in the day, and should have died, but are still alive and rockin' man. Yeeeaaaahh.

Music is about being there, maaan. Being there at Bonnaroo. There for freakin' Coachella. There for SXSW when you discovered the next Killers. There at Lolla, when Girl Talk covered Gnarls Barkley, who covered the Raconteurs, who covered Pink. Just... there. I don't care if it's a fucking barnyard animal convention where Dwight Yoakum played, I was THERE.

Music is about making a pilgrimmage with your buds, driving 8 hours into the woods to see the same freakin' band you have seen a billion times, and could have seen on Youtube for free. Except this time they have trees behind them. WOW.

Music is about never paying to see a band too many times. Like Dave Matthews, every concert they do something SO much different than the one before. Yeah seriously, they need another 80 bucks from me.

Music is about larger-than-life douchebags who think that because they've sold an assload of records, they're too big to sit down on a toilet and take a crap like everyone else (Hey Bono, um, I think I might be talking about you. And you did not just win another award. You won a big FUCK YOU)

Music is about selling out to pay the bills, no matter what your fans might think (Hey Billy Corgan, this one's for you, little corporate whore who markets himself as "I'm so angry, the world doesn't understand me")

Music is about a huge chorus that even drunken idiots can rally around. Because Drunken idiots will sing along to ANYTHING.

Music is about taking 8 hours out of your day so you can know EVERY word of let's say, Nine Inch Nails for the next time you see them. Why- so Trent Reznor can give you a medal or something? Or so that YOUR voice can be heard over the 3 million other idiots singing along to the same shit? Why bother.

Music is about re-living the 80s, man, because they were such an amazing time and everyone was sooo awesome. I sure wish it were the 80s and everything was coooool.

Music is about artsy, pretentious, all-knowing, nerdy fags who have listened to Joy Division one too many times and think they can make the next "Closer"

Music is about kissing someone's ass for no reason. Usually some dude who has done nothing but sit on their ass for 20 years, while doing nothing but resting on their formerly multi-platinum laurels.

Music is about cooking up half-assed tributes to bands who don't even deserve them.

Music is about shitty little indie labels who won't shut the fuck up about how badly they want you to come to their shitty showcases to see their shitty bands play.

Music is about shitty solo albums, "side projects" and bad "electronic experiments" that force insecure douchebags to come running back to their original bands for a "big reunion tour" claiming once and for all that "we've put the past behind us", "buried the hatchet" or some such bullshit, and forcing all you stupid fucks to buy into it.

Music is about "recreating the magic" of dudes that are dead by hiring boring douchebags to fill in for them.

A Vote Against The Management

2009-03-17T15:57:00.000-07:00

My vote for most overhyped band of the past year has got to go to Brooklyn's MGMT, pronounced "Emm-Gee-Emm-Tee" Why everyone makes a big deal about these guys is beyond me. Their songs create a sense of jubilation when they come on anywhere in New York. People start jumping up and down and screaming when the opening for "Kids", "Electric Feel", or "Time To Pretend" blares on a speaker system. Yet when I ask people why they like MGMT so much, they can't give me one legitimate reason. They tell me things like "Because their music... it takes me to another place, man" or "Because everything else sucks". Yeah, like I haven't heard that one before. Every single band tries to market their music by convincing their fans that everything else out there sucks and they are the only band worth listening to. I've bought into that mentality with a band so many times before. But not this time! I've heard guys in Brooklyn comparing the music of MGMT to Bowie and Zeppelin, and comparing their live shows to "an experiece" But I have several distinct personal reasons why I am not in that crowd:

1. What's up with that name?
Why couldn't they have just stuck with their original name "The Management"? It would have made things so much less confusing. If I ask people if they know The Management, they will look at me like I am speaking Chinese. However, if I spell out the letters of their name, then people will get all excited.

2. Their live shows SUCK.
The first time I saw "The Management" was during the CMJ Music Marathon in 2007, and I'm pretty sure I yelled at them to "get off the stage, pretty boys". They just played their songs, nothing more nothing less, and showed nothing even close to resembling a stage presence worthy of me shelling out 60 bucks. A couple of people outside their overhyped Halloween show at Webster Hall confirmed pretty much the same thing, that for your money's worth you cannot find a more disappointing live act. They stand like mannequins onstage while expecting everyone to worship them like Pink Floyd.

3. They are pretentious pretty boys
This point brings me back to last Fall of 2008, when I embarked on a spontaneous road trip that one of my friends wanted to go on- 3 and a half hours into upstate New York with the sole purpose of seeing the almighty Emm-Gee-Emm-Tee. When we finally got there, we learned that the band had canceled their set for what sounded like a made--up excuse, their drummer had "broken his leg". OK first of all, the band does not officially have a drummer, just two shaggy-haired dipshits. Second of all, I checked their website two days later to find out that everyone was fine and the band was touring as planned- a tour which people had to PAY FOR. The show we went to was free. Hmmm...
I mean even Justice, another group whose music I abhor (they sound like five French fucks farting in a bag), at least did us the courtesy of performing a half-assed set for all our troubles. And even if MGMT did acquire a drummer- oh please, the Who performed entire rock operas while their drummer was nearly unconscious. I don't buy it. That's just irreparable.

4. They don't offer anything that special
Sure, MGMT are the only "psychadelic" band out of the whole "hipster scene" in Brooklyn. But their music, beyond maybe one curious listen, just isn't that good. For example, the lead synths in "Time To Pretend", their breakout single, are pretty much like hearing nails scratch across a chalkboard. Trust me, when you've heard a song that many times, your mind goes to weird places. Their lyrics are abhorrent. Sample: "I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars. You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars." Jesus Fucking Christ, are people THAT desperate to find a band in the musical jungle that they have to buy into that cheap crap. Their singer, Andrew Van... something, sings in a Prince-aping fake falsetto shrill enough to make Justin Hawkins of the Darkness cringe. Their album cuts have bizarre, spacey names like "4th Dimensional Transition" and "Of Moons, Birds, and Monsters", and they just sound like hastily put together messes going all over the place. Talk about consistency.

5. They are representatives of a jumbled and confused scene.
Why they have become the most successful band in the New York City scene and attracted a larger audience than a bunch of sweaty dudes in a Brooklyn basement is really beyond me. Someone just had to break out of that scene with millions of fucking bands, and I guess they were just in the right place with the right stuffy A&R guy listening. I have been following the New York music scene for the last three years, and let me tell you there are some weird fucking bands out there. The band to come out of that scene could have been a garage-funk black dude who screams. Could have been some chick and some dude who picked up instruments last week and had Charlie Kane from Warner Records there when they played their sister's bar mitzvah. The New York scene is so ambiguous and out there, that really any act could have come out of it, and these two psychadelic doofballs from Wesleyan just won the lottery.

MGMT are a victim of the oversaturation of music in the marketplace, and a perfect illustration of how pathetic "Hipsters" are as a barometer of what is cool in music.

Merrill Bainbridge- Mouth

2008-11-18T13:24:00.000-08:00

When I was recently looking at a list of bad 90s' one-hit wonders, I thought I had pinpointed the worst and most annoying one. Well looking further back in time, I may have been wrong. This one comes from the year 1996. You'll have to stick with me while I introduce it

Relatively speaking, 1996 was an awesome year for music, one of the best in my memory. Pop and rock radio were dominated by huge, awesome alterna-rock classics from legitimately cool bands such as Spacehog, Local H, No Doubt, and the Butthole Surfers.

Literally speaking, I was a happy camper back then, a senior in elementary school. That year was filled with fond memories of rocking out with my alternative buddies in the elementary school cafeteria to Bush, Silverchair, and even White Zombie (Yes, I was one badass 12 year old). Clarissa was explaining it all to me on TV, Kazaam and Robin Williams were making my dreams come true at the movies, and the NY Yankees were making my dreams come true on the sports field. Life was good.

Then came middle school in the fall. From the get-go, I missed elementary school like a hailstorm. Back in the old school, I hung out with kids who were down with the new alternative rock, and I was cool. In middle school, most of the kids there were ghetto and intimidating, and preferred to listen to Tupac and Quad City DJs over bands that were my bread and butter, like Weezer and the Smashing Pumpkins.

Then came my first middle school dance, and I heard it. The song that would become my #1 annoyance for the remainder of 1996. As funny and cheesy as it sounds to listen to this song now, it still makes my blood boil for the ghost of my 12-year old self when I hear this awful atrocity. This song, or course, is "Mouth" by Merrill Bainbridge.

Within two weeks of that dance, it was the song all the girls would sing along to every day during recess, or during any break in my teacher's speech. It was the song that had "naughty" lyrics supposedly, so all the 12-14 year old girls felt "adult" and cool for singing it. And of course, all the dudes followed along, because it made them imagine what adult sex would be like. And of course, its soft reggae-tinged R&B rhythm made it gentle and unaggressive sounding, absolutely perfect for the urban middle school set.

Here's the chorus:
"Would it be my fault if I could turn you on?
Would I be so bad if I could turn you on?
When I kiss your mouth I wanna taste it
Turn you upside down, don't wanna waste it"

Just to think, that this is something we were listening to at 12 years old. My GOD were the 1990s kinky! On the other hand, this makes me feel dirty in almost a bad way. This is the sappiest of the sappy. Just writing those lyrics down on this journal makes me want to put on the Dead Kennedys or Rage Against The Machine and just fucking thrash for about 10 minutes to make up for listening to this atrocity of sap.

After all this talk, we're forgetting the question- who the FUCK is Merrill Bainbridge. She was, I guess, just some chick. During the mid-90s the music business was booming, and girls were getting signed left and right, making for a zillion Merideth Brooks and Beth Harts, most who have thankfully been forgotten. She was just one of the girls in that girl singer-songwriter boom that nobody remembers.

"Mouth" actually was a moderate-sized smash, peaking at #4 on the pop chart in November of 1996. By that point, I could not walk down the hallway of my school without hearing this song in some shape or form. OK, the Macarena was bad too, but that song at least had a novelty factor which I found amusing. Meanwhile, "Mouth" was the annoying song with the annoying lyrics that I absolutely could not stand.

I have considered in this day and age, using the chorus of the song as a prominent pick-up line at bars. I have gone ahead to use it a couple times, to decidedly negative results. You could probably imagine why. Picture this, you're a girl standing by yourself, looking all pretty. Then, this dude comes up to you, without even introducing himself, and asks you if he can kiss your mouth and "turn you upside down"
What would you think? Sketchy? Rape? Exactly.

With the exception of my cool math teacher chick who showed up for class hungover after going to Marilyn Manson's Antichrist Superstar tour, and forgoing her entire lesson plan to talk with us about how awesome the show was, Middle School Sucked. A song which has had a similar effect on me the following spring of 97'was "Lovefool" by the Cardigans. This was also a one-hit wonder song, but everyone remembers "Lovefool" for how annoying it was.

Meanwhile, "Mouth" by Merrill Bainbridge, is a song that I believe is unique to me in the annoyance it caused me at a particular place in time. And that's why I'm writing about it now. I loved '96, but absolutely hated the kiss your mouth song. And don't let anything in this entry tell you any different. I still fucking hate it now. More than ever.

Peach Union- On My Own

2008-11-06T12:42:00.000-08:00

The late 1990s were a relative sanctuary for overproduced and awful dance music sung by girls. Gina G, La Bouche, Sophie B. Hawkins, Aqua, the list goes on and on of shitty dance producers and singers who cashed in with huge, cheesy late 90s dance anthems. And pop radio stations such as my then-favorite, NYC's Z100, ate them up like sugar, the pop confectinary and billion dollar productions that they were.

But the worst of the worst, the overblownest of the overblown, the cheesiest of the cheezy, was "On My Own", by Euro-crap tools Peach Union. It was a song that sounded as if every kick, snare and instrumental flourish cost about a million dollars to produce. After all, back in the late Clinton-era, that kind of money was flying around, unlike today (Obama will change that soon, but that's another story).

When this song was a hit in the US for about three days in October of 97' I was a young teenager. When you're that age, you're pretty much too young to realize that you're listening to absolute shit. You tend at 13 to take what the major-label spoonman gives you and not complain about it. Which is exactly the reason why gigantic ball of crap "High School Musical 3" is getting your money as we speak. When you're that age, you have a hard time discerning the greater forces of reality.

When I was 13, this song "On My Own" was stuck right in the center of Z100's playlist, right in between Third Eye Blind and Sister Hazel. Of course, I thought it sounded great then. But looking back on it now, I was just a stupid tween stuck in his own world. This song sucks balls in hell, right in between mediocre one-second wonders as Fort Minor's "Where'd You Go" and Jimmy Ray's "Are You Jimmy Ray".

OK, let me talking about the song's one saving grace first. After a weird operatic opening and the typical 90s' dance-pop "1-2-3-4" countoff, this weird, hypnotic bass line kicks in. This bass groove has synths, keyboards, and lots of cheese surrounding it. Enough so to make Right Said Fred roll around and cringe in his pop cultural grave. But the riff itself is dark enough to be almost cool. Like I'm pretty sure the Smashing Pumpkins could do a number with it. But not in this universe.

OK, the good part is over. The lead singer of this "Peach Union" sounds like a tenth-rate Madonna rip-off. Even her breathing and posturing in the video were likely to inspire a royal ass-whupping if Madonna ever laid ears on it. Unfortunately, during the 90's Madge existed in a completely different stratosphere than to ever be in the same room as this knock-off.

The song's chorus is manufactured cheese. No wonder this song was left "on its own" in the annals of pop. No one fucking remembers it. That's because the chorus is woefully forgettable, and contradicts itself. The name of the song is "On MY Own" and all the verses suggest that it was intended to be made as a break-up anthem for the ladies. But the chorus includes the line "Through the course of history, I hope you'll still remember me". I wonder what brilliant hired songwriter thought of this gem. Fucking history? You would think that if you're breaking up with a dude, you would want him to forget you and move on, not remember you for all of eternity. JESUS.

The song is best known for two things:
1. having the shortest and quickest time of any song as a figment of America's pop cultural zeitgeist.
2. being on the soundtrack of Gwyneth Paltrow's long-forgotten chick flick "Sliding Doors".

So it's a forgettable song that was featured in a forgettable movie, from what was turning out to be a horrible era in American music. First there was this Euro-dance crap which the song was part of.. Then there were the boy bands and TRL and all those indescribable horrors.. Then Bush got elected President.. Then everything went to hell. At least until now...

Original Karaoke Mash-Ups

2008-09-15T12:32:00.001-07:00

This is a mash-up album which I have been working on for awhile, which I will share on here as an online exclusive. Feel free to comment and share these with whoever, and post it on your blog as well.

1. Cut Your Mullet (Lynyrd Skynyrd Vs. Pavement)

2. Spaceman Oddity (David Bowie Vs. Babylon Zoo)

3. The Smashing Pumpkins Are Playing At My House (LCD Soundsystem Vs. Smashing Pumpkins)

4. Tyler In My Mind (Toadies Vs. Pixies)

5. You Set High Voltage In Me (Tom Vek Vs. Electric Six)

Rock Movies I'd Like To See Made

2008-08-27T11:49:00.001-07:00

"The World Is A Vampire: The Smashing Pumpkins Story"
"Primus Sucks: How A Visionary Was Born"
"Chinese Democracy: What The Hell Axl Has Been Waiting For To Put This Goddamn Record Out Already"
"I Was Diagnosed As Functionally Retarded, But I Still Made All This Really Cool Crap On My Synthesizer: The Gary Numan Story"
"Tupac Shakur: I'm Not Dead Yet" (Oh yeah, this movie has already been made like 50 times)
"Love Myself Better Than You: Why Kurt Cobain Wasn't So Special After All"
"Elton John Has His Head In A Stove. Worst. Suicide Attempt. Ever"
"Cerebral Rape And Pillage With The Replacements" (Now THAT's a cool title)
"Rags To Riches: The Trick Daddy Story" (I love it when dumb-as-shit rappers are unjustly glorified)
"You're Not Supposed To Rap, White British Dude: Why Mike Skinner Is A Hero"
"Put Me To Sleep, The Shins"
"Take It Off: The Donnas' Journey From 3 Annoying Cali Girls to... 3 Annoying Cali Girls, That ROCK!"
"Gavin Rossdale: What He Does These Days Besides Fuck Gwen Stefani"

And, while we're on the topic of tools with superhot wives, here's one that I would love to see made from the sporting world:

"Waah! Waah! I Just Went 18-0 And Lost The Super Bowl. Let Me Take Consolation By Going Home And Fucking Gisele. Love, Tom Brady"

That movie would make my year. It already has

Atomic Swing- Stone Me Into The Groove

2008-08-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

Generally, rock bands from Sweden are fucking cool (like The Hives, Soundtrack of Our Lives, etc). Which, in itself, is kind of an anomaly, because all the guys I've ever known from Sweden were all monumental douchebags.

Sweden as a country is shit. Their most prized exports are the worst-tasting cheese on the market, and the musical atrocity known as ABBA. Do not even fucking get me started on how much torture that band has put me through, and continues to put us all through to this day.
I guess Sweden's youth in the 90s became disaffected from living in the shadow of ABBA and by their home country's reputation as a universal shithole. So, they attempted to right the wrongs of ABBA and form kick-ass rock n'roll bands that were actually cool.

The Hives, The Sounds, and many others have succeeded, creating huge, cool, American modern rock hits in the early to mid 2000s. But more than a decade earlier, Atomic Swing failed. Their debut album was called "A Car Crash In The Blue". Right away, marketing car crashes to kids. Their record label must have been so proud of them. And this record came out in 93', at the height of all that MADD bullcrap. No wonder these guys never broke in the States.

Atomic Swing never gained any level of success outside of Sweden, where they scored a huge hit with the first single off Car Crash whatever, "Stone Me Into The Groove". The song itself is "frat-rock" at its purest, and sounds like nothing but an attempt for some dudes from some college to get laid. C'mon, with lyrics such as "I want a flag in the room of your arms/ I wanna enjoy all of your charms", it's very obvious these guys weren't trying to do anything else but score. Somewhere in Sweden, they are still getting laid from this crap. But nowhere else.

Another reason "Stone Me Into The Groove" was never marketed in the US is because of the theme of rampant drug use suggested by its title. I'm sure Tipper Gore would have had a field day with this one. This is supposed to be one of those songs where you sit back, do all the drugs in the world, and "zone out" to. In other words,You better smoke up a big bowl right now if you plan to listen to this entirely, because if you don't, it will suck big time.

Atomic Swing's lead singer, Niclas Frisk (apparently this guy is too "cool" to just spell his name like any other dude with his name), has some pretty decent guitar chops, but the video is focused more on his bulging arms and some kind of head-shaking dance. Luckily for us, he hogs about 80% of face time in this video, because the bassist and keyboard player have gotta be two of the skeeziest looking sketchballs I have ever seen. I would surely not want to run into those guys at some back alley in Stockholm.

Unless you were stuck living somewhere in Sweden in the early 90s, there's a good chance you missed out on this crap. And you should be damn proud you did, unless you really wanna hear the sound of some monumental douchebag rapists inviting you over for weed and sex.

The State of Hipster Nation In The Year 2008

2008-08-01T09:39:00.001-07:00

The Ting Tings = Shut Up And Give Us Your Money

We Are Scientists = We Are Pretentious Douchebags

Vampire Weekend = Snotty Brats Who Happen To Play Really Bad Music

Santogold = Some Annoying Hipster Chick Who Happens To Sing

LCD Soundsystem = Some Annoying Hipster Doofus

Band Of Horses = Just Another Band Of Hipsters

MGMT = Sellouts With Synths

Girl Talk = WHERE Is The RIAA When We Need Them To Prevent This Crap?

Devandra Banhart = Freak Show

Crystal Castles, Justice, Chromeo, Simian Mobile Disco, Or Any "Band" Who Is Really A DJ = ElectroCRAP

The Black Kids = Masters Of "Irony" and Shitty Music

Lykke Li = Why? Just WHY? Please Go Back To Sweden.

Kid Sister & Lil' Mama = Why Girls Shouldn't Rap.

Spank Rock & Datarock = Way To Call Yourselves That And Do ANYTHING But "Rock"

Deerhoof = Indecipherable Noise. Shut Up.

The Cool Kids = OK, We Get It. You Were Born In The Wrong Decade.

Stephen Malkmus = That Guy Who Used To Be In That Band... But He Sucks Now

CSS = That Annoying Drunk Chick Who Jumps Onstage And Thinks She Can "Sing" To Techno.

Blitzen Trapper & Grizzly Bear = Please Go Back To Some Cave In The Mountains And Leave Us Alone.

The Hold Steady = Holy Shit! A Hipster Band That DOESN'T Suck!

Note: If there is any band that I failed to blast here, it doesn't necessarily mean I like them. In fact, it probably means I couldn't think of a mean enough insult for them, so your favorite band is not off the hook. Have a nice day.

The Smashing Pumpkins- It's Never Too late To Sell out

2008-07-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

Some people thought the Pumpkins sold out in 93', when they signed to a major and created a stronghold on mainstream rock radio that would last for the remainder of the decade. Others thought they sold out last year, when their new song was featured in a car commercial. But in my opinion, the true moment when the Smashing Pumpkins sold out happened this morning.

I took a glance at the daily Itunes charts. I see the Jonas Brothers, Myley Cirus, Nickelcrap, and all the other force-fed mainstream crap the corporations push at us. And then what do i see, the fucking Smashing Pumpkins! "The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning", a forgotten B-side which was included in a trailer for "The Watchmen", which only appeared before "The Dark Knight", which within the past week, has been seen by EVERY SINGLE FUCKING HUMAN BEING ON EARTH and their mother. So of course, there has been a lot of curiosity about that song.

But I DO NOT WANT that. I do not want the same kids who listen to the Jonas Brothers and American Idol and other such unmentionables to suddenly be transfixed by "this cool new band called the Smashing Pumpkins." Kids these days who buy all this consumer crap and who bought all these Ipods are too young and stupid to appreciate a band like the Pumpkins. And I am not talking about Emperor Corgan and the Pumpkin Kingdom, or whatever the fuck the band is called today.

I am talking about the original Smashing Pumpkins we grew up loving. I mean, look what happened to Journey when their song was used in a major television show. Now, every single 17-year old from Bumblefuck, New Jersey knows all the words to "Don't Stop Believing" And I HATE IT! Because kids these days, they just don't know how to appreciate this stuff. They view it as throwaway crap they just buy for 99 cents online, download onto their Ipods and learn all the words to, only to forget them the next week and buy whatever schlub MTV tells them is cool. I do not want such a body of work as the Pumpkins' catalog getting this kind of treatment. I am fucking serious. This was my generation's band, and they don't even deserve to be mentioned in the same breath of forcefed crap like the Jonas Brothers.

The Death of Mainstream Music

2008-07-21T17:50:00.000-07:00

I was young and impressionable. I was in 12th grade at the time that Nickelcrap's hauntingly crappy 1st single "How You Remind Me" was being shoved down the collective throats of my generation, and everyone swallowed. I didn't realize it at the time, but Nickelback really sucked (and still suck). I don't know what it is, maybe it's just the fact that when you're between the ages of 12 to 16 you just take what the spoonman gives you. In middle school I DID listen to good music (not a lot though), but I'd also listen to utter shite: Limp Bizkit, Creed, *insert other hacks here*, but I've been apologizing for that time in my life ever since.

It's not so bad to be spoonfed GOOD music, which lets admit it: The 90's might be the last decade where the majority of mainstream music was actually very good (including the indie ranks but that's a given). There was even some good Christian music. (gasp) ANYWAY, the whole point of this particular entry of mine is to humbly express how I think that the day "How You Remind Me" hit the mainstream circuit was also the day when there was no turning back. Since then, RARELY have I been captivated when I turn on the FM stations now (not ALL THE TIME though). As a result, rarely do I elect to listen to the radio. Rarely am I ever impressed when I see TRL, a "music" television show that plays the (allegedly) top 10 most requested music videos of the week or something. For those who don't know: TRL is practically this long commercial with 10 second snippets of music videos in-between.

Those who don't understand my grievances probably don't understand just how generically derivative this "post-grunge" band really is. It's just as bad as listening to some "hot new indie band" that only plays kitchen appliances just because they play kitchen appliances. Sure, NickelCRAP has sold a lot of albums, but don't sit here and insult the legends of the past by trying to convince me that Nickelcrap deserves a place in music history unless it has to do with "worst band ever" ranking. Don't insult music lovers by trying to convince us that Nickelcrap has artistic integrity either. So in conclusion, thinking back on the year 2001 reminds me of puke. I could go on and on but I'll spare you. ...I haven't puked in awhile. I'll go do it right now.

"...You're not artistic, and you have no integrity!" - Seinfeld

Guano Apes- Open Your Eyes

2008-06-02T20:34:00.000-07:00

The Guano Apes were a rock band from Germany. Need I say more? Do I even need to explain to you why they suck? For a country that has produced shitty music, more shitty music, (sorry Hasselhoff) boy bands, and genocide, comes a band that is quite literally musical genocide. A female-fronted band that combines slap-bass funk, shrill screaming, manufactured angst, and Limp Bizkit-aping cock-shlock rap metal. In other words, a mixture of awful, awful, and ABSOLUTELY GOD-FUCKING AWFUL.
Already heroes in their native Germany (who fucking isn't) "Open Your Eyes" was the single which broke the Apes to the U.S. in 1999, where they were lumped in with all the aggro-metal-rap bands that were being signed dime-a-dozen at the time (Coal Chamber, The Flys, Hed PE, Insane Clown Posse, I can't go on it's too painful). They are purely a product of the late 90s' because at no other time in history would mainstream ears be subjected to such crap. But just how bad is this song? let's take a look.
You turn on the track, and what do you hear? Muffled garbage, sounds like some alien language. Upon further listening, it seems as if it's German, in REVERSE. The band decided to start their biggest single with a subliminal message in German that no one even fucking cares about in Germany. This vocal passage will be repeated three more times throughout the course of the song, and constitutes practically the entire third verse section. How pleasant.
So after about 10 seconds of this backwash mess, roaring guitars come in, followed by Chili Peppers-style slap bass. OK, not a bad start. But then, their lead singer chick starts rapping, and it all goes to hell.
Her voice is unbelievably annoying and shrill, and her lines make no sense at all. Sample: "Have you ever been for sale?/ when your isms get smart/oh so selfish and mindless/ with that comment in your eye"
WHAT THE FUCK does that mean? That's just gibberish. Does this bitch know how to write lyrics in English, much less rap them? Obviously not, so the joke's on all the millions of depressed kids who scooped up this kind of crap by the bucketloads.
OK, so let's see if the chorus can redeem this ill-fated attempt at lyrical prowess:
"Open your eyes, open your mind/ proud like a god don't pretend to be blind/ trapped in yourself, break out instead/beat the machine that works in your head"
OK, this is what the people at the record company want you to think after hearing this shit:
"Yeah man, this is so rebellious! It makes me want to fucking break things and go crazy! Oh yeah, and drive down to my local Sam's Club to buy this CD"
NOT even close. There is absolutely no way this band from Germany with less command of the English language than a mule could have written that. It sounds like the chorus was written by record executives looking to cash in on the late-90s craze of all this "teen angst". Oh, and cash in they did. "Open Your Eyes" and the supporting record "Proud Like A God" sold over a million copies worldwide. A MILLION IDIOTS bought this crap?
OK, let me tell you a little story. You know why the record business is doing so bad, and people don't actually go out to stores to buy records anymore?
Because a long time ago, in a dorm room far, far away (or maybe somewhere in Boston), some kid was looking through his record collection one day and he saw a Guano Apes record in there. And suddenly, he came across a revelation: I actually went out and BOUGHT a Guano Apes record? There has to be a better way for people to hear music this bad without having to spend their hard-earned money. Goddamn it, I will invent a way to get this shit for free if its the last fucking thing I do"
That kid was the creator of Napster, and the rest is history. This German band could have led to the current Holocaust of CD sales.

Babylon Zoo- Spaceman

2008-05-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

Now today, were gonna take a look at Babylon Zoo's 1996 blockbuster hit "Space Man".
Babylon Zoo was a British industrial/pop rock band of the mid 1990s from Wolverhampton, England, joining Wolverhampton's elite musicians such as... NO ONE. That town sucks. They were fronted by Jas Mann.
THAT's his name? Jas Mann? That's a real rockstar name. Jas Mann. And from the looks of it, he went home with tons of Manns after their shows.
"Spaceman" went straight to Number 1 on the UK singles chart selling 418,000 copies in the first week of release, a record at the time. It was their only hit. It was subsequently featured in an advert for Levi's Jeans, leading to even more sales
OK, if it sold so well, this must be the sickest song ever. But. There is a but. But, when you turn the song on, this is what you hear: A cacaphony of high pitched, high-technology crap which sounds like the opening of Rush's "Tom Sawyer"... On Steroids. Then, after about 20 seconds of this weird techno babble you hear... wait a second, is that Alvin and the fuckin chipmunks? no it can't be. It's Alvin and the Chipmunks singing about space. WHYYY!?
And then finally, after about ten seconds of Alvin's shrill-sounding sped-up vocal, the tempo is slowed down, to the actual SOUND of a fucking record getting slowed down. Finally, after all that has cleared, we finally, FINALLY, hear the sound of Mann's vocal singing the first verse in normal speed.
OK, if you're listening for the first time, this is your obvious question. WHY is there all this crap at the beginning? WHY can't they just go into the first verse right away, like in any other record.
Well they did, at first, but at the peak of the song's success a couple of remixes surfaced and blew up in dance clubs. One of them, the "Fifth Dimension Remix" is just a simple retooling of the song for a techno and trance audience. It has the same hypnotic drum and bass over and over again, on top of what sounds like an engine being revved up. OK, that makes sense, because as of 1996 techno and rave music was at its height of popularity in their native UK. The second was an "Alvinized" remix, which is my term for the entire song being sped up in tempo to resemble Alvin and the Chipmunks. Why this was popular, even in 96'? Who fucking knows.
So some nitwit named Arthur Baker at the record company got a brilliant idea: "Since the song is selling thousands of copies, and the remixes are blowing up at the clubs, then why don't we combine the remix with the actual song? Yay, more money for us!" So Baker made a version of the song which combined the two remixes at the beginning, before going into the first verse. And this is the only fucking version of "Spaceman" you can download today. And you wonder why the record business right now is in dire straits? Because of confused thinking like this.
So on to the verse. In a faux-David Bowie space warble, Mann spits science fiction bullshit, such as "Time to terminate the great white world/Beyond the black horizon/television takes control". You don't think 400,000 idiots bought this record in one week because of this intergalactic pigshit, do you?
After Mann warbles on about... whatever, finally roaring guitars replace the atmospheric emptiness of the verse section. Could this be the big chorus that we're all waiting for?
Nope, just a bridge section: " There's a fire between us, so where is your god?", followed by "I can't get off the carousel" Followed by... "I can't get off the carousel", followed by the same fucking line 2 more times. What does that even mean, "I can't get off the carousel"? And why does Mann consider that line so important that he has to repeat it 4 fucking times before moving on. After the first one I'm thinking of smashing my fucking computer if he doesn't get to the chorus already.
So after the broken record has been fixed, the roaring guitars turn into, more roaring guitars. Is THIS it?
Nope, just yet another bridge section, this one being about a "sickening taste" or some such bullshit, followed by "Beam me up so I can breeeeeattheeeee"
Thank God that 'Spaceman" is not a song that people sing along to at bars, because it's similar to one of those kinds of songs in structure. A song like "Sweet Caroline" or "Don't Stop Believing" which has like 5 sections that people sing along to before getting to the actual chorus, so you don't even know when the real chorus is.
But after "Breeatheee" , this is it! OK, we've sat through all this crap, all these bullshit lyrics, all these chorus teasers. So after all that, what is the fucking chorus? TADA! Here it is. Here is the million-dollar chorus:
"Spaceman. I always wanted you to go/ into Space, Man (Intergalactic Christ)"
That's it? That's IT? Are you fucking KIDDING me?
Apparently, after Babylon Zoo failed to write a follow-up hit Jas Mann quit music altogether, moved to India or something, and has lived off royalties from this song ever since.
Well let me tell you, if I ever wrote a record with a hook this stupid and anticlimactic and millions of people went out and bought it, you're damn right I would do the same fucking thing.
And the chorus doesn't even repeat itself like the damn Carousel line did. Just one chorus, and then the same roaring guitar section, and just some guy screaming. I don't know what the hell he's screaming, it's just shrill and annoying. The fact that they couldn't just do 2 choruses and had to put in this wordless, tasteless screaming, makes me wonder how it's possible all those idiots in the UK bought this.
So then, another warbling verse, more sci-fi psychobabble, then another bridge-carousel-bridge-chorus, and then... whistling. Just this weird whistling that sounds like it came out of a Disney cartoon. That eerie whistling turns into Mann just tunefully singing the name of the band over and over: "Babylon zoo, ba-by-lon-zoo". Yeah, that's as if anyone forgot the name of your band, you have to fucking remind us. I mean, this is a ROCK song. Maybe if you're rapping, you get the rights to say the names of the people who are on the track. But if you're a rock band, then that's a cardinal sin. Never should a you sing the name of your band repeatedly and call it a verse. It's like Mann ran out of sci-fi shit to talk about for a third verse, so he completely scrapped the verse and replaced it with weird whistling and repeating the band's name. Subtle.
So then the familiar roaring guitars come in, and he just keeps repeating the band's name for all eternity. He likes to repeat things, doesn't he? No wonder his band never repeated this kind of hit.
But then, Mann does something relatively remarkable. He skips the bridge, the carousel part, the second bridge, and just cuts straight to the chorus! Oh NOW you cut to the chorus Mann, after making us listen to the name of your band 87,000 times.
So two more choruses, and then for the coda he... FORGETS the chorus, and just starts singing the word "Spaceman" repeatedly, and then just the words "Space" and "Man" until we are finally relieved of our ear torture with the fadeout.
What a jumbled piece of shit this song is. This has gotta be the worst put-together piece of crap the record industry ever produced and promoted. And you're telling me back in 96' every kid on every block was saying "You gotta pick up this new Babylon Zoo record. It changed my life man. I can sooo relate to this music" or any of the billions of other reasons kids go to pick up a record? That's bullshit.
This song SUCKS ass, and shows us all how stupid Englishmen can be in their taste in music. For a country that brought us The Beatles, The Stones, The Who, Oasis, they are fortunate that no one spoke the name Ba-By-Lon-Zoo after 1996. And for GOD's sake, even with all this 80s and 90s' reunion bullshit, I hope it stays that way.