The following is a reprint of a column I published at the beginning of the month, with the countdown to Halloween weekend officially on and people all over the nation scrambling to find a costume:
If you've never been to NYC for Halloween weekend (since Halloween is on a Monday it will likely turn into a 3-day costume and booze-fest this year), it is basically Mardi Gras East. Many a group of drones from North Carolina to Pittsburgh up to Buffalo and Maine will unaimously agree to "NYC!" as their Halloween weekend destination, having spent over a grand on their group costume and no place in their suburban town to take it.
So travel plans from all over the US are set in motion and the streets of the West Village and lower Manhattan basically turn into a clusterfuck of guys & girls showing off their costumes, doing pop culture catch-phrase shoutalongs & chants, and paying ridiculous covers after waiting long lines to get into bars, just so they can get even more wasted on overpriced drinks.
As the calendar month approaches the last weekend of October, the question is raised in many a bar, apartment, and office: "What are we gonna do for Halloween this year?" Hordes of people start looking around their closets and ramsacking Ebay for anything that could remotely cut it for an original Halloween costume, to turn heads on a night when everyone's looking for attention, and maybe finally seal the deal with a cutie in a nurse costume.
So what ARE people gonna be this year? Here's 11 educated guesses:
1. Slutty (Name of Costume): Of course, for the ladies. Halloween is the one weekend of the year when the girls can dress slutty in any context they want, without being viewed amongst their circle as an official slut. Doesn't really matter the costume. The consensus from guys across the US is that Halloween is the one weekend that any guy can get laid. You can be hated, dejected, and despised year-round, but on Halloween you aren't you. A guy can be anything they wanna be, and on Halloween the girls are more likely to give in to whatever stupid acts the drones might do to attract them, since there is an anything-goes atmosphere in the air and everyone is drunk.
2. Zombies. Could be a zombie anything. Zombie football players, zombie doctors, zombie Michael Jacksons, people will use basically any excuse to wear blood and get made up like a zombie. There are so many real-life cultural zombies and mindless sheeple in this generation that the zombie is the perfect Halloween costume for the era. And to add to that all the Zombie fascinations on TV and the big screen: true blood, walking dead, twilight, vampire diaries, so on and so on. Last week on 14th St, a group of people jumped the gun and arranged a Zombie parade in honor of TV's The Walking Dead. In some circles, the village Halloween parade is known as a "Zombie shit-show". I've heard that term on multiple times. Only in NYC? Possibly.
3. Whatever team just won the World Series. This year, thankfully, baseball will be over and done with by Halloween weekend, unlike 2 years ago when a pivotal game of the Yankees' World Series coincided with Halloween night, and people wasted 5 prime hours crowded around a TV screen waiting for a guy to throw a ball. Since the World Series will be fresh in people's minds, a quick-fix costume option will be to dress up as whatever team or players just won the World Series (Rangers or Cardinals), and join the championship bandwagon if you will, even though this year's Series features 2 teams relatively few people care about on the east coast.
4. Whatever NFL team is doing well. For any team that is 5-2 or better, expect the fans of that team to dress up in full costume and do a ton of macho posturing and competitive bullshitting (Best guesses: 49ers guys, Aaron Rodgers's, Tim Tebows). The drones' minds are so fickle, and so many of them are only obsessed with who is winning right now. Besides, it saves them money to wear only their NFL jersey and have people cheering for them anyway. Personal Memory: in 2006, the Chicago Bears were making a surprising run en route to the Super Bowl (the one with Rex Grossman, for those of us who judge time by who played in the Super Bowl each year). A group of guys went absolutely jacked up as Bill Swerski's Superfans, leading an entire block in the East Village in yelling out "Daaaaa Bearrrrrssss" chants (ironically, my only clear memory from Halloween 2006)
5. Jersey Shore. They just won't go away, will they? Expect a lot of guido/tussled hair, massive fist-pump circles at the bars, fake tanned skin, and Snookis. Yes, there will be Snooki (!! or UGHHHH, whatever reaction comes to mind) I'm sure there's at least one group of drones somewhere that is jacked up, calling all their friends to tell them: "Halloween. The Village. We're the Jersey Shore! Who's in?"
6. Wilfred. There's no WAY the most talked-about show of the summer will not become this year's must-have Halloween costume. It's a show about a man in a dog costume who becomes the best friend of a depressed stoner. The season did end in September, but there will be a ton of Wilfreds this year I know. Adult male dog costumes on ebay are going up to $350.
7. Any character from True Blood/Boardwalk Empire or Larry David. Drones generally tend to eat up anything on HBO. The trend will continue this year; I'd be surprised if Entourage has an official costume after the series finale that no one really liked, but outfits from True Blood and especially Boardwalk Empire will generate huge sales. And I'm sure there's at least one Jewish drone in New York who is hellbent on going as Larry David after an awesome 8th season of Curb.
8. The Green Man from "Always Sunny in Philadelphia". There's always a ton of "green guys" or red guys, whatever. Another costume that just won't go away. It's a full body suit, it's easy to put on, and apparently you can see through it. (having never been a Green Man I can only assume that's the case) And since FX is actually making the official Greenman this year, you'll be seeing a ton of them all around Manhattan. Outside of sports games I'm not exactly sure what purpose they serve. But I'm sure there's at least one group of guys who are absolutely jacked up to go as The Colored Men.
9. Anyone from Harry Potter. This is the "Um, dude, it's over" costume. Since this year marked the very last time people will ever care about Harry Potter, people might dress up as characters from the franchise "just to pay tribute". My advice, stay away from a "just to pay tribute" costume, because chances are you'll either be one of thousands and no one will care, or it'll be 5 months since the movie and everyone will have completely forgotten about it. Since NYC is an ADULT Halloween celebration, I'd go with the latter.
10. Occupy Wall Street. There will be all kinds of costume references to the "Occupy Wall Street" movement, a protest against corporate greed that started on Wall Street and has spread worldwide, with its rallying cry "We Are The 99%". Whether or not the Occupy folks will be coming down to the Village for this weekend's festivities? Only one way to find out. But their message is now all over the mainstream media, and the drones are well aware of it. There may be some group costumes with creative spins on "The 99%" slogan, and maybe a few Wall Street Bankers and Bernie Madoff type costumes, who will go only for the purpose of being hated, pushed around, and shouted at throughout the course of the weekend. There's always a few of those (just ask anyone who went as Lebron James last year). Or maybe Occupy won't be a factor in this year's Halloween festivities, but being that it's become a big part of the NYC social scene and conversation, that's unlikely.
11. Dead Ghadafi/Dead Bin Laden. Dead Ghadafi would make a lot of sense, considering it's a news event fresh in everyone's mind, and who doesn't want to have a little fake blood on their hands or head on Halloween? Dead Bin Laden is one I'd stay away from, especially in NYC. I'm sure at least some people will be doing this one to make a "patriotic statement". But I'm telling you Halloween is a time to get drunk and have fun in costume, not a time for patriotic statements. Besides, if your costume actually is the corpse of Bin Laden, it might have the opposite effect. You might get booed, heckled, cursed out, or have something even worse happen to you. It's New York, so all bets are off on what might happen. If you want to be patriotic, be a Navy seal, soldier, Landon Donovan/Hope Solo, Thomas Jefferson, anyone else. I'm warning you, STAY AWAY from Dead Bin Laden, as awesome as you think it might be.
Runner-Ups: LMFAO's, Deadmau5's, Bad Republican Candidates (most of whom are so bad & forgettable they're not even worth mocking), The Three Musketeers, Locked Out Melo's, Amy Winehouse Zombies, Steve Jobs IPhone-Toting Zombies (poor taste), Macho Man Randy Savage's & other 80s wrestlers, 80s hair bands, and any other random thing from the 80s.
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