Thursday, December 29, 2011

Top 11 Companies Americans Were Complaining About in 2011



You can't take part in a casual conversation without hearing the familiar rants:
"Man, fuck T-Mobile. They give me no bars anywhere!"
"AT&T is such a piece of shit. My coworker got the Verizon IPhone and he tells me I should switch over, but we just can't afford it"
"What the fuck is up with Bank of America? Are they charging me fees or not?"

Here are the 11 companies that Americans really couldn't stop complaining about in 2011:

1. T-Mobile. Probably the most complained about company of the last 10 years. Somewhere in America right now, at some lunch table, in some corporate break room, there is a guy complaining about his T-Mobile service. Their clever & inspiring-looking advertising, with empty slogans such as "More 4G Coverage" air at just about every football or TV public watch party, and are usually followed by someone yelling "Fuck T-Mobile!" or a universal round of boos.

2. CNN. The channel most Americans go to for their news programming is the go-to news station for restaurants & small businesses to turn on when there is nothing else on TV, and is also among the most complained about companies. They are known to post & air the most bullshit stories, celebrity gossip, and things that happened to some guy that no one cares about, that they can put under the label of News. The other week in midtown Manhattan, when passing a major news TV-viewing post, a drone went off on a major rant about Wolf Blitzer and how "stupid and uninformed" the anchors are. Everyone in his group promptly agreed, causing one of his friends or coworkers to start a pretend chant of "Fuck Wolf Blit-Zer!" The same can be said about overpriveleged prince Anderson Cooper, the network's poster boy & golden child.

3. AT&T. Their slogan "Rethink Possible" should be rerouted as 'Rethink Dropped Calls." They are universally accepted as the most overrated cell phone service in the game right now, dropping more calls in more places than Americans know what to do with, except for complain. They also fill up the most annoying advertising airtime during popular television out of any major provider save maybe T-Suckile. Their other slogan, "More Bars In More Places" inspires more revolt

4. Bank of America. Fees, fees, and more fees for America's most used and insolvent bank. 20 minute ATM waits, overdraft fees, deposit fees, threat of maintenance fees JUST FOR HAVING A DEBIT CARD (a move which was wisely averted thanks to a customer revolt). 20 minutes on your phone bill to wait for customer service anytime you are having an issue. You get the point.

5. Verizon. Even though they are universally acknowledged as the most dependable cell phone provider, everyone who has them still finds something to complain about; namely the cost of their service. We are in a tough economic times that's for certain. But even workers who earn $60,000 a year will complain nonstop about forking over 200 bucks a month for a cell phone service that doesn't drop calls and can give you an automatic wireless hotspot upon request. Then there's the whiners in other cell phone providers who are always saying "I SHOULD" or "We COULD switch to Verizon and not have to deal with all my bullshit", but ultimately they never do & are stuck ruining your office's holiday party or happy hour by complaining the whole night about AT&T.

6. Facebook. Love them or hate them, you ARE a Facebook user in 2011. There's just no way you haven't at least considered opening a facebook account, after seeing "The Social Network" be the movie of the year and having heard about just about every person you've ever known asking you if you're on Facebook. With so many damn people using the site, they're going to find something to complain about sooner or later. For many, it's the privacy, and how people can see such-and-such. For others, it's how they think no one freakin' cares about people's posts. For others, it's the constant updates & changes to the site which their six figure salary developers in California often implement, maybe just to screw with people. Every one they make produces a firestorm of "Has Facebook jumped the shark" criticism, but somehow they still do it without caring & the people will still continue to use the site. It don't cost you a thing, but you people still can't stop saying 'Fuck Facebook", saying how you keep wanting to get off the site but never do, on and on and on.

7. Chase. Their annoying ads. Chase freedom. Chase what matters. Their annoying soft talker who does the voiceover. Their $500 credit lines on cards they advertise as getting thousands in cash back, due to confusing policies that make little sense. Their confusing website & online banking signup process. Their mobile app that apparently lets you deposit checks by phone but still no one seems to like. Their FEES, fees, fees. They're on this list.

8. Ticketmaster/Live Nation. Now that a conglomerate has been formed for the ticketing industry, consumers of sports, concerts & theater still cannot stop complaining about how damn expensive their favorite team or favorite band is. With parking, beer, & merch prices skyrocketing in a down economy you will hear it from the fans. "We just can't afford it anymore", etc, etc. I notice that whenever there is an opportunity to boo someone or something at these games or concerts, the people do so loudly and almost as excitedly as they cheer when the band/team comes out. With ridiculous entertainment prices, there is almost no show or game people will leave happy for, because they know that once it ends there may be hours of sitting in traffic & the no-one-wants-to-do-it responsibility of finding a designated driver.

9. The NFL & NBA (tie). When America's two monoliths of popular sport were locked out heading into the summer, you would not hear the end of the whining from fans, saying how greedy and ego-driven the overpaid athletes & greedy owners were to deprive them of their favorite medication. Meanwhile, both sports thankfully ended their lockouts with very little fan causalty, and the fans still went to the games & still watched ardently as ever. Instead they began complaining about more normal things, such as their team's stupid signings and contracts, their team getting "cheated" by the refs, conspiracy theories between the league & certain franchises, & the insane ticket prices for bad seats and beer/food/merch prices at the arenas/stadiums.

10. Major League Baseball. Even though baseball had no labor problems this year, the diminishing attention spans of Americans & lack of Big Five sports markets in the later rounds of the playoffs (no NYC, Chicago, Boston, or LA teams past the divisional round), kept the masses less than interested in the game of baseball in 2011. Even during the summer, they took every chance to complain about it: "It's not as exciting as football", "I just don't have the time for our crap team" , & "The games go on for too damn long!" being among the top rants, as well as the obligatory tickets/ballpark beer/parking/merch prices & greedy ownership grumbling.

11. BlackBerry. Almost everywhere, you hear "I fucking hate my Blackberry". It has a typepad the size of my hand & apparently the best email answering interface so people can type constantly, but everyone who has one always grumbles: either they need an IPhone but can't afford one, they need their apps, they need a better provider, their calls drop, or they can't stand RIM interface. Either way, very rarely will you hear anyone discussing how much they love their Blackberry.

Honorable Mentions: FourSquare: "Why do people feel the need to f'ing broadcast where they are?? I don't freakin' care. Can't stand that shit", Time Warner, NBC: "The Office just isn't funny anymore. WHYYYY?", Happy Madison Productions, Twitter: "I just don't get Twitter/Why do people feel the need to tweet everything they do/I don't f'in care what celebs are doing", HBO: "They charge like 200 bucks extra on my cable bill for like, 2 shows." & "They got Curb, one of the best shows ever, but what else? True blood? I don't have time for vampire sex" (Actual quote overheard in office hallway)

Companies that did NOT make the cut: Congrats to Apple (RIP Steve Jobs), Google/Youtube, Microsoft, ESPN, Spotify, Wal-Mart, Craigslist, Monster, Coachella, JetBlue, The Green Bay Packers, and every other major tech/food/sports/clothing/accessories corporation that did not make it. Either you had a great year & products that everyone agreed were cool (I-I-Iphone?), your products or services didn't have enough buzz to even be considered for casual conversation, or your haters were really discrete & generally kept their mouths shut. Here's to another great year in corporate America!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Top 11 Halloween Costumes for NYC 2011 (Updated)



The following is a reprint of a column I published at the beginning of the month, with the countdown to Halloween weekend officially on and people all over the nation scrambling to find a costume:

If you've never been to NYC for Halloween weekend (since Halloween is on a Monday it will likely turn into a 3-day costume and booze-fest this year), it is basically Mardi Gras East. Many a group of drones from North Carolina to Pittsburgh up to Buffalo and Maine will unaimously agree to "NYC!" as their Halloween weekend destination, having spent over a grand on their group costume and no place in their suburban town to take it.

So travel plans from all over the US are set in motion and the streets of the West Village and lower Manhattan basically turn into a clusterfuck of guys & girls showing off their costumes, doing pop culture catch-phrase shoutalongs & chants, and paying ridiculous covers after waiting long lines to get into bars, just so they can get even more wasted on overpriced drinks.

As the calendar month approaches the last weekend of October, the question is raised in many a bar, apartment, and office: "What are we gonna do for Halloween this year?" Hordes of people start looking around their closets and ramsacking Ebay for anything that could remotely cut it for an original Halloween costume, to turn heads on a night when everyone's looking for attention, and maybe finally seal the deal with a cutie in a nurse costume.

So what ARE people gonna be this year? Here's 11 educated guesses:

1. Slutty (Name of Costume): Of course, for the ladies. Halloween is the one weekend of the year when the girls can dress slutty in any context they want, without being viewed amongst their circle as an official slut. Doesn't really matter the costume. The consensus from guys across the US is that Halloween is the one weekend that any guy can get laid. You can be hated, dejected, and despised year-round, but on Halloween you aren't you. A guy can be anything they wanna be, and on Halloween the girls are more likely to give in to whatever stupid acts the drones might do to attract them, since there is an anything-goes atmosphere in the air and everyone is drunk.

2. Zombies. Could be a zombie anything. Zombie football players, zombie doctors, zombie Michael Jacksons, people will use basically any excuse to wear blood and get made up like a zombie. There are so many real-life cultural zombies and mindless sheeple in this generation that the zombie is the perfect Halloween costume for the era. And to add to that all the Zombie fascinations on TV and the big screen: true blood, walking dead, twilight, vampire diaries, so on and so on. Last week on 14th St, a group of people jumped the gun and arranged a Zombie parade in honor of TV's The Walking Dead. In some circles, the village Halloween parade is known as a "Zombie shit-show". I've heard that term on multiple times. Only in NYC? Possibly.

3. Whatever team just won the World Series. This year, thankfully, baseball will be over and done with by Halloween weekend, unlike 2 years ago when a pivotal game of the Yankees' World Series coincided with Halloween night, and people wasted 5 prime hours crowded around a TV screen waiting for a guy to throw a ball. Since the World Series will be fresh in people's minds, a quick-fix costume option will be to dress up as whatever team or players just won the World Series (Rangers or Cardinals), and join the championship bandwagon if you will, even though this year's Series features 2 teams relatively few people care about on the east coast.

4. Whatever NFL team is doing well. For any team that is 5-2 or better, expect the fans of that team to dress up in full costume and do a ton of macho posturing and competitive bullshitting (Best guesses: 49ers guys, Aaron Rodgers's, Tim Tebows). The drones' minds are so fickle, and so many of them are only obsessed with who is winning right now. Besides, it saves them money to wear only their NFL jersey and have people cheering for them anyway. Personal Memory: in 2006, the Chicago Bears were making a surprising run en route to the Super Bowl (the one with Rex Grossman, for those of us who judge time by who played in the Super Bowl each year). A group of guys went absolutely jacked up as Bill Swerski's Superfans, leading an entire block in the East Village in yelling out "Daaaaa Bearrrrrssss" chants (ironically, my only clear memory from Halloween 2006)

5. Jersey Shore. They just won't go away, will they? Expect a lot of guido/tussled hair, massive fist-pump circles at the bars, fake tanned skin, and Snookis. Yes, there will be Snooki (!! or UGHHHH, whatever reaction comes to mind) I'm sure there's at least one group of drones somewhere that is jacked up, calling all their friends to tell them: "Halloween. The Village. We're the Jersey Shore! Who's in?"

6. Wilfred. There's no WAY the most talked-about show of the summer will not become this year's must-have Halloween costume. It's a show about a man in a dog costume who becomes the best friend of a depressed stoner. The season did end in September, but there will be a ton of Wilfreds this year I know. Adult male dog costumes on ebay are going up to $350.

7. Any character from True Blood/Boardwalk Empire or Larry David. Drones generally tend to eat up anything on HBO. The trend will continue this year; I'd be surprised if Entourage has an official costume after the series finale that no one really liked, but outfits from True Blood and especially Boardwalk Empire will generate huge sales. And I'm sure there's at least one Jewish drone in New York who is hellbent on going as Larry David after an awesome 8th season of Curb.

8. The Green Man from "Always Sunny in Philadelphia". There's always a ton of "green guys" or red guys, whatever. Another costume that just won't go away. It's a full body suit, it's easy to put on, and apparently you can see through it. (having never been a Green Man I can only assume that's the case) And since FX is actually making the official Greenman this year, you'll be seeing a ton of them all around Manhattan. Outside of sports games I'm not exactly sure what purpose they serve. But I'm sure there's at least one group of guys who are absolutely jacked up to go as The Colored Men.

9. Anyone from Harry Potter. This is the "Um, dude, it's over" costume. Since this year marked the very last time people will ever care about Harry Potter, people might dress up as characters from the franchise "just to pay tribute". My advice, stay away from a "just to pay tribute" costume, because chances are you'll either be one of thousands and no one will care, or it'll be 5 months since the movie and everyone will have completely forgotten about it. Since NYC is an ADULT Halloween celebration, I'd go with the latter.

10. Occupy Wall Street. There will be all kinds of costume references to the "Occupy Wall Street" movement, a protest against corporate greed that started on Wall Street and has spread worldwide, with its rallying cry "We Are The 99%". Whether or not the Occupy folks will be coming down to the Village for this weekend's festivities? Only one way to find out. But their message is now all over the mainstream media, and the drones are well aware of it. There may be some group costumes with creative spins on "The 99%" slogan, and maybe a few Wall Street Bankers and Bernie Madoff type costumes, who will go only for the purpose of being hated, pushed around, and shouted at throughout the course of the weekend. There's always a few of those (just ask anyone who went as Lebron James last year). Or maybe Occupy won't be a factor in this year's Halloween festivities, but being that it's become a big part of the NYC social scene and conversation, that's unlikely.

11. Dead Ghadafi/Dead Bin Laden. Dead Ghadafi would make a lot of sense, considering it's a news event fresh in everyone's mind, and who doesn't want to have a little fake blood on their hands or head on Halloween? Dead Bin Laden is one I'd stay away from, especially in NYC. I'm sure at least some people will be doing this one to make a "patriotic statement". But I'm telling you Halloween is a time to get drunk and have fun in costume, not a time for patriotic statements. Besides, if your costume actually is the corpse of Bin Laden, it might have the opposite effect. You might get booed, heckled, cursed out, or have something even worse happen to you. It's New York, so all bets are off on what might happen. If you want to be patriotic, be a Navy seal, soldier, Landon Donovan/Hope Solo, Thomas Jefferson, anyone else. I'm warning you, STAY AWAY from Dead Bin Laden, as awesome as you think it might be.

Runner-Ups: LMFAO's, Deadmau5's, Bad Republican Candidates (most of whom are so bad & forgettable they're not even worth mocking), The Three Musketeers, Locked Out Melo's, Amy Winehouse Zombies, Steve Jobs IPhone-Toting Zombies (poor taste), Macho Man Randy Savage's & other 80s wrestlers, 80s hair bands, and any other random thing from the 80s.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Songs That Would Rock as College Football Entrance Themes

Ohh-oh-OHHHHH-oh-oh-ohhhhh-ohhhh
You know what that sound means. College Football is here! With the institution of "Seven Nation Army" as America's official sports chant & "Enter Sandman" serving as a chill-inducing entrance for both baseball and college football, and the song "Zombie Nation" forever associated to Penn State, I've come to think about what other songs could make for an electrifying and fear-inducing college football entrance, going into the holiday weekend. Here's a few alternative choices that sprang to mind.

For a chill down your spine: Steel Dragon- Blood Pollution. This song was Izzy Cole's first song as a heavy metal frontman in "Rock Star", and seeing him come out with this bass line and threatening guitar gave me chills. "Stand Up and Shout" from the same movie is now a stadium staple.
Teams it could work for: Any team whose color is red and black, or anything that resembles blood. Hearing a crowd of 60,000 kids yelling "Gimme Blood!" & wilding out is not something I want to see as an opponent. First teams that come to mind are Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns and Houston Cougars.

For "Fear the Mascot": Dinosaur Jr.- Sludgefeast
Dinosaur JR? I know they're not the most intimidating-looking guys, but listen to this opening series of riffs and tell me it doesn't make you feel a little bit of menace, like skies threatening to drop a tornado on you or something really big and scary coming closer. I can easily see a team coming out to this.
Team it could work for: The most obvious one would be UMass, since all members of Dinosaur Jr. are from Amherst, and basically anywhere in the mountains/with crazy mountain hicks (West Virginia, Appalachian State, Western Kentucky, Utah State) Who wouldn't be scared of those opening power chords at 0:11?

For "Yew Don't Wanna Mess Wit' Those Crazy Rednecks": Pantera- Walk. This for me would be an obvious choice for a Southern powerhouse with an intimidating crowd. Pantera came roaring out of Texas in the early 1990s looking like deranged truckers and playing metal so ass-kicking that radio programmers had no choice but to sit up and listen. Surprised this song isn't a football staple along the lines of AC/DC.
Teams it could work for: A school deep in Texas, Alabama, Missisippi, and the like. Some that come to mind are Troy, UTEP, Baylor, Rice, South Alabama, Miss State. The college kids would go absolutely apeshit with the tough-as-nails sound of Phil Anselmo's voice.

For "Random Techno Song That Somehow Makes The Kids Go Crazy": The "Zombie Nation" phenomenon has hit schools such as Penn State hard, and South Carolina kids have a similar tradition with the "Sandstorm" rave party. For a new one, I nominate "Move Your Feet" by Junior Senior, a song that was annoying at the time and made one of the first IPod ads. As random as some of these "rave parties" are at college games, this random early-2000s rave out has a bass line which I can easily see drones & college kids singing along too as easily as Zombie Nation or 7 Nation Army.
Teams it could work for: Usually the Big Ten and smaller conferences in the Midwest adopt these cheesy techno songs, so I'd say someone along the lines of Eastern Michigan, Indiana State, Drake, Illinois


For "Black People Go To College Too" Hip-Hop Dance Party: A few years back, the UCF football team went viral by rocking out to "Crank 'Dat" much to the delight of the student body. Similarly, every college team seems to have a hip-hop dance fad every season. This year I nominate "2Pac Back" by Meek Mill/Rick Ross- it is a very scary and official-sounding beat.
Teams it could work for: Temple (since Meek Mill yells out "Philly!"), UMiami or USF since Ross is a South Florida guy, Georgia Tech, Maryland, or basically any other football school in the middle of a major city with a sizable black student base.


For "The Ultimate Rock-Out Moment": "Aces High" by Iron Maiden"

Why Iron Maiden hasn't caught on at sports games is beyond me, but if an up and coming football team comes out with Iron freakin' Maiden, and has a crowd of 50,000 rocking out to "Aces High", doing a crazy dance for this superfast headbanger, that's some rock n' roll bliss whether or not the team wins.
Teams it could work for: Something having to do with flight, maybe Air Force, Bowling Green, Dayton, Eastern Washington. Or maybe Colorado State, cause half the state IS high.

For "We're From The Streets, You Country Bitches": "Down on the Street" by Iggy & The Stooges. One of my favorite montage clips, was used for a gun battle in "Smokin' Aces" & in several other films. You can feel the grit in this song, and that will work well for any program that takes raw urban street kids and turns them into football players.
Teams it can work for: Eastern/Western/Central Michigan (the Stooges came from Ann Arbor), Northwestern (because Iggy makes several animal noises near the beginning), Cincinnati, Pitt.

For "This Isn't Going To Be Close. We Have The Power!"- Rage Against The Machine- Wake Up. For college students especially, Rage Against the Machine is the recipe for turning a party into a riot, for turning a "casual hangout" into an all out mosh-fest. Similarly, Rage's music could be the recipe for an all-time great intimidating college football entrance.
Teams it can work for: UCLA, USC, Fresno State, Hawaii, Clemson, Arizona State, New Mexico

For "We're From The Middle Of Nowhere, All We Know Is Football!": Soil- Pride A similar-sounding song, Rev Theory's "Hell Yeah" is the theme for Blue Mountain State, a great TV show about a team from the middle of nowhere that parties hard, kicks ass, and takes names. When you hear that beat & guy screaming; that hard, metallic testosterone crunch, something about a song like this just SOUNDS like football.
Teams it could work for: North/South Dakota, Montana (Home of the Snow Rave), Idaho, Kansas St, Wyoming, New Mexico St

For "That's What I Do! I Lay. People. OUUUUUTTTTTT!": Marcy Playground- It's Saturday
Quoting Thad Castle from BMS there, and this is basically a category for the real blue-collar bruisers, the meat & potatoes manly man football that makes grown men drool over these guys' balls, both in college and at the professional level. This song doesn't exactly scream football, but every Saturday you know these guys are gonna be there for you punishing their opponents & making them wish they'd never been born.
Teams it could work for: Alabama, Wisconsin, Boise State, Oklahoma St, and the school with the best pump-up videos in the nation, Nebraska!

Are you ready for some fooooooottbbbballlllllllllll!?????

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Vegas’ Balance Sheets Weren’t The Only Thing That Got Destroyed at the Super Bowl

Vegas’ Balance Sheets Weren’t The Only Thing That Got Destroyed at the Super Bowl

By Scot Sherman
February 7th, 2011 at 9:37 am

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An all-time ratings record, set just last year, got destroyed as well. As were the hopes of the masses that their NFL is the most “perfect”, pristine, and satisfying sport in the world. As were the career & reputation arcs of Christina Aguilera, Slash, The Black Eyed Peas, A-Rod, Groupon.com, and many others. Heck, I don’t think there was a single non-uniformed person who appeared onscreen in front of the masses at Super Bowl 45 yesterday who didn’t get heckled on Twitter, destroyed by the press, or at least suffer a reputation hit. Whatever Aguilera was drinking before she totally blanked on the words to our National Anthem, I think we all need a shot of that.

Even Fox, the network who shoved the horrendous Glee down our faces time and time again during its coverage, took 4 or 5 opportunities to cutaway to former President George W. Bush sitting in his luxury box, resulting in loud boos & throwing food at the TV at bars where the game was being shown, a couple which resulted in a TV getting destroyed and the room busting out in cheers. Talk about reputation hits.

Just the fact Bush was THERE was an ominous sign this Super Bowl was turning out to be a Katrina-sized disaster, publicity-wise, money-wise, and reputation-wise for America’s most powerful sports league. The league had us at their mercy with the world watching, yet did nothing to address the most important issues of the day.

More importantly than Aaron Rodgers being masterful and leading the Green Bay Packers to a record 14th NFL title in a closely contested game, the media failed to address the 2 elephants in the room that loomed larger than the Empire State Building-sized Jumbotron hovering above Cowboys Stadium.

The first was the fact that the NFL screwed it’s hard-working consumers out of hard-earned money by not dealing with important structural issues until the day of the game, telling 850 die-hard Steelers and Packer fans that their tickets ($900 for face, who knows how much more if they were bought on the secondary market) were moved to a TV-only section, meaning they traveled all the way to Dallas and took out over a third of their yearly earnings just so they could WATCH THE GAME ON A TV. They got nothing.

And there was another 400 whom the NFL told that their seats were no good period, leaving them scrambling for other tickets or watching the game on a screen outside the stadium, WHICH THE NFL CHARGED ADMISSION FOR. No one on TV made any mention of this all game long.

The generous $2300 basically “thank you for dealing with our incompetence” packages the NFL offered to those 400 fans did not make up for hotel costs, airline costs, & the sheer amount of time they spent due to various weather delays. From what was reported, these little gifts did little to take away the sour taste in fan’s mouths, leading into what could be a very painful offseason, the biggest elephant in the room. Roger Goodell is clearly squirming.

People have heard the “L-Word” being thrown around in various columns, yet they can’t compute it being anywhere near a reality, although it would result in an earth-shattering profit loss for the league, it’s sponsors, and all involved. If you’re not satisfied by the quality of the game that was put on for you yesterday, and not medicated enough to get you through the offseason, I got two words for you: Start praying.

Because the players, who get to hibernate every year to Gulfstream jets and private islands, might not be happy with the current labor deal, there is a possibility we might not have a season next year. It’s Monday, the Gatorade has been dumped and confetti has flown over the Packers. What now?

To end on a positive note, for all the uncertainty, losers, & reputation hits that occurred on last night’s Super Bowl, the big winner was the general public that bet on the game, and the biggest loser was Vegas & the sportsbooks. Give yourself a big pat on the back if you took the Packers and cashed in, as I was telling you to all week long.

Not only did they win, but they covered! And the Steelers covered for the 2nd half, and the total went Over, making this only the second time since 2000 that Vegas’ sportsbooks lost a ton of money on the Super Bowl. Congratulations to everyone who won money (I cashed in $162), and congrats to the Packers. And to everyone else who loves football, just keep your head up, continue to re-enjoy the thrilling game you just saw (sans annoying ads), and hope for the best. If you wish for it, good things will come, like another classic Super Bowl next year in Indy!!