The Facts Regarding Next Year's Potential Lockout

1. Yes, most likely there will be a lockout
2. Yes, most likely you will care about it.
3. No, you will not understand why it's Sunday, September 4, 2011 at 1PM, and your favorite team is not playing. That's the only reason you will care about it.
4. There will most likely be no Super Bowl in 2012. Mayan philosophers also believe the world will end in 2012. Which would you find more devastating?
5. Don't bother going on Youtube posting on every NFL-related video "There should be a law making it illegal to have to work on Monday after an NFL Sunday". Next year, you might not even have your precious NFL Sunday.
6. The average intelligence of an NFL fan is 24.7 percent lower than the cognitive ability it will take a human being to grasp why negotiations have stalled on Collective Bargaining Agreements and the players are unhappy with their revenue splits.
7. The average NFL fan does not want to think about a year without Sunday football, or anything rooted in reality beyond the alternate one created by their favorite team.
8. Sports bar and beer revenue will drop 65-80% without Sunday NFL Package and Monday Night Football.
9. Possibility of riots in America next fall upon learning an NFL season next year will not happen: 80% higher than if there is a potentially classic game of football to look forward to on Sunday. The Greeks dont need that cue, but Americans do.
10. Possibility the NBA players will follow the NFL players' lead and lock out their season as well, in the event: 45-55%
But wait... it's not all bad news!
11. Average salary revenue an NFL fan drops per season: tickets, secondary market spiked-price tickets, ridiculously overpriced concessions, tailgate stuff, gas, merchandise, parking, beers at bars watching games, beer + food at home for couch time, NFL Sunday Package at home & Preseason Package on the computer (just because there's nothing better to relieve the August sporting doldrums): $7,422. And that's just NFL. In Boston, they drop an average of 60% of their yearly earnings on all their teams.
12. Amount of hard-earned (especially in '11) money the average fan will SAVE next year in the event of a lockout: $7,422
13. Amount of time dependence the average American worker has per season on the NFL being played: conversation minutes, waiting for rides, waiting for friends, riding to stadiums, tailgating, post-game grub, buying all kinds of merch & tickets, sitting at bars watching, waiting for the damn cable guy to show up with your NFL package, Bears with Beers (or whoever your team is), beer + food runs for your couch sessions & various NFL-related drinking games: 35 Days, 14 hours, 3 minutes.
14. Amount of time saved in the event of a lockout, where you could be doing something productive to further our existence as human beings, or write that novel (and blog) that have been kicking around for years:... yep, you guessed it: 35 Days, 14 Hours, and 3 Freakin' Minutes!

This is a serious issue here, and it looks like that's where the athletes are headed. If you want this to be prevented, take action now! I got the NFL office here in the city, so I'll do my part.

This Decade in Super Bowl Halftime Shows

2010: The Who
2011: The Black Eyed Peas
2012: Cheap Trick (second on the list this year, they'll give em 2012 as consolation. I think they're still gonna throw in a dinosaur every few years, just to mess with us. Besides, in a year there might not even be a Super Bowl god forbid, they'll go with the cheesiest, most forgettable halftime band out of the lot)
2013: The Smashing Pumpkins (by 2013 1990s nostalgia will be cresting at an all-time high, so Mr. Corgan will succumb to the loads of money being thrown at him to suck it up, join his original bandmates, and play a monster Tonight, Tonight/1979/Disarm/Today Super Bowl set)
2014: Billy Joel/Jay-Z/Coldplay/Mary J Blige/Nelly (in 2014 the Bowl is in New York, so i think this one is gonna get ultra-gimmicky. They're gonna have two "New York icons" in Joel and Jay-Z, MJB to get the ladies onboard, Coldplay because Jay won't do anything without them, and Nelly because he's already a master at working his way into "gimmicky" Super Bowl spots)
2015: Lady Gaga (sorry Little Monsters, assuming her next 2 records don't tank worse than Madonna's "American life", you're gonna have to wait 5 years til Stefani Germanotta and her Monster Ball tour are billed "safe enough" to fill the biggest audience of any musical performance spot in the world. They're not gonna take any chances after NippleGate, but as in Hollywood, it's "one for the dinosaurs, then one for the kids", and I think Billy Joel will fill the dinosaur quota.)
2016: AC/DC (The last of the dinosaurs that have never played the Bowl. They'll be due for a new world tour in '16, and their music is so sononymous with football and male testosterone that it's a no-brainer they'll get it one of these years)
2017: No live performance, just a giant video screen Beatles montage flanked by Cirque de Soleil (One of these years, they're gonna completely drop the ball and give in to a record company sales push for a long dead-and-gone artist. Paul McCartney will do anything for a buck, but they've already been there and done that. Besides, before 2000 halftime shows really were this lame.)
2018: The White Stripes (By 2018, America will be indulged in an early-2000s nostalgia boom, and "Seven Nation Army" will be recognized as America's official sports national anthem, so they'll trot out Jack and Meg to give the drones their precious "ohhh-ohhh-AHHH-ooooh-ohhh-owwww-ohhhhh" song. Setlist: Fell In love With A Girl/Dead Leaves & The Dirty Ground/My Doorbell/Seven Nation Army. Pop culture cycles are funny.)
2019: Radiohead (By the end of this decade, Radiohead will be in "we're sorry we were pretentious pricks, but now we really need the money so we'll sell out in any way possible" mode and play the Super Bowl with a setlist highlighted by "Creep", the song they would be NOWHERE without, but have refused to play because "we're more pretentious than that".