What I Don't Get about the new Black Eyed Peas joint

What the hell are these guys thinking? They try to market themselves as the most "innovative" and "cutting edge" band in the world. Meanwhile, they BLATANTLY STOLE the hook of this new single from "Dirty Dancing" bucking the trend Jay-Z started last year of hip-hop people straight up jacking hooks from popular 80s songs and stealing all shot of the original artists retaining any creative rights. Good luck finding a search for "Forever Young" that doesn't have Jay-Z's name come up somewhere. I double-dare you.

That said, I think the dudes from Dirty Dancing should count their money now, enjoy the newfound wealth, and know they will be forever disassociated with their song, in favor of the Black Eyed Peas. All I can tell you is that if the rest of the record is this lame, half the fans will walk out next year after "I've got a feeling, WOOO-HOOOO, that tonight's gonna be..." ah who am I kidding, you know the rest.

They're trying to rebrand themselves as the most hip and "technological" band of their generation, when meanwhile they're releasing their second rushed out "more of the same" album in 5 years (See "Business, Monkey"). That breaks in line with every music business taboo: I'd say one "more of the same" rushout record per decade should be the tipping point.

Their arc is this: late-90s underground LA rappers ("That's The Joint") add girl & Filipino guy with weird name to group, collabo with JT ("Where's The Love) and finally get a breakthrough hit, make a couple more stupid-rap singles (Let's Get Retarded, Hey Mama), follow up a year and a half later with a record a monkey coulda wrote ("My Humps", "Pump It", "Don't Phunk With My Heart") establish girl as a breakout solo star (Fergie's "London Bridge"), rebrand themselves as the movement for a generation, male lead thinking he's bigger than Jesus after posturing for an obvious winning Presidential candidate like it's HIS victory (Will.I.Am's "Yes We Can", "It's A New Day"), embrace techno and gain worldwide success on stupid-drone choruses ("Boom Boom Pow", "I've Gotta Feeling", sorry, any chorus with "WOOOO-HOOO" in there somewhere is designed to be a singalong for the dumbest of the dumb), then follow it up a year later with a chorus pilfered from 1980s royalty, play the Super Bowl, and have drones follow them all the way to their banks.

It's obvious that this record and tour are subsequently gonna be the biggest grossers of 2011. I don't doubt that. What I doubt is that the production and singles from this album will lower the bar for corniness, steal from everyone, and be the ultimate in more-of-the-same. Last one was "The E.N.D.", this one is "The Beginning". Beginning of WHAT? Is there a story arc here that I'm missing? The #1 lesson I learned in my years as a music consumer: NEVER bite on a more-of-the-same. It will leave you feeling disappointed, stupid, result in unsatisfying listens, and have you mindlessly dropping another 100 when the band comes around on tour to see if they can redeem themselves for a crap album live.

So, is this really a MOTS consumer trap? Let's take a look at the tracklist for hints:

1. The Time (Dirty Bit)(Yep, this is the Dirty Dancing ripoff/club single. Get used to it)
2. Light Up The Night (Pretty common hip-hop imagery posturing. Not much to say)
3. Love You Long Time (Guess this is a Fergie showcase, stupid chorus)
4. XOXOXO (OMG. NO. Usher already did that this year)
5. Someday (every band has a song with this title somewhere. NO Feat. Chad Kroeger?)
6. Whenever (Anytime but Now)
7. Fashion Beats (That's a Victoria's Secret ad campaign. Throw us some $)
8. Don’t Stop The Party (We didn't. You guys just waited a year to spoonfeed us more crap)
9. Do It Like This (Like... how?)
10. The Situation (Bonus Track) (giving a nod to the most obnoxious pop cultural fad to rear it's head in 2010: Da Jersey Shore)
11. The Coming (Bonus Track) (Coming of age? Coming of the greatest band on the planet? What?)
12. Own It (Bonus Track) (Just like we own da cluubs)
13. The Best One Yet (The Boy) (Another Fergie showcase probably. How many of those can she get per record?)
14. Just Can’t Get Enough (And you're NOT ripping off MJ HOW?)
15. Play It Loud (And Pump It! Like they do every night, right?)

I'd say avoid this album at all circumstances. If you have to watch them at the Super Bowl (Yes, you're gonna HAVE to), then just do that, save yourself some bucks. Listen to the original "Dirty Dancing" for all I care. As long as you recognize the musical, and monetary thievery, at work with this long-established major-label trick. If you'll excuse me I'm gonna go listen to "Celebrity" by N'Sync... oh dammit my sister threw that one in the trash 9 years ago. Similar fate for "The Beginning"?

What Music Used To Be About (For Me)

Music used to be about standing around for hours packed like sardines in a crowd with the vague hope that someone cool MIGHT show up (nowadays I can just read any blog or watch Youtube to find out if something cool actually happened, and laugh at all the idiots who bit if nothing did)

Music used to be about following crowds across fields and gang-sprinting when the house doors opened for prime stage position. Nowadays, it's about hanging back, coming in when the band starts, sitting on the edge of the crowd, drinking a few beers and leaving before the encore to beat the traffic if they're phoning it in. I'll leave it up to the other idiots to drool over their balls. Besides, at every show there is a guy first or second row with a camera, so if i missed something cool it's on Youtube. Now i don't have to deal with idiots screaming and yammering random things in my ear in the 2 hours before the band goes on either.

Music used to be about having bottomless wallet even when I was broke. It was about dropping every last cent I had to see a bunch of dinosaurs my parents grew up with. Nowadays, money stays here. Last dinosaur show I went to was AC/DC at MSG. Basically they hyper-inflated the ticket costs just so those guys could inflate a giant Rosie balloon I couldn't even see from where we were sitting. 95 bucks my ass. Next time Thin Lizzy, The Who, The Stones, or any dino act puts out a crap album to come on the road and comes around to "replicate old magic", hiring studio hacks to replace dead dudes, and asking me to drop 200, I'll tell em fuck off. Money stays here. I'd rather stay at home and watch a clip of them playing IN THEIR PRIME, with all members alive. On YouTube, for free. (Note: Not to say that AC/DC's Brian Johnson is a studio hack. But the band were never fucking sellouts with Bon Scott. 'Nuff said.

Music used to be about believing and getting excited about everything I read in magazines: every reunion rumor, every "back to their roots" record, every young band whose new songs "are gonna sound like fucking Queen". Nowadays I realize that the only reason music magazines print such ridiculous and exciting-sounding junk that rarely materializes is so YOU WILL GO BUY THEIR MAGAZINE. It's a business promising things, saying things that will never happen, just so you'll open your damn wallets. My subscriptions may not have run out yet, but nowadays I don't believe a damn word they say.

Music used to be about jumping up and down, pumping my fist until my hand grew sore, drinking like a madman for 5 hours before the band came on just so I can have "the experience". Meanwhile, when I drank that much just for the purpose of seeing a band I didn't remember a damn song they played or thing they did, just remember being sore as shit the next day. Nowadays I stand on the side, relax with the drinking, and just enjoy the band from a distance, or else just stay home, save 60 bucks, and watch one of the 5,000 clips people post the next day on Youtube to show all their friends they were there.

Music used to be about getting excited as crap, almost wetting my pants when a band ran a promo for their new record or appeared on SNL to debut a new song. Nowadays, for better or for worse, the new record is public knowledge 2 months before the damn thing comes out. I can hear any song on it by searching Youtube "New Vultures Album" or "Jack Black new Project" and a bunch of songs will come up which may or may not be new songs by said artist. If you dig long and deep enough, chances are you'll find one of the actual songs. The thrill of hearing new music for the first time is gone, and may never come back, because its all on the freaking Internet 3 months in advance.