"The World Is A Vampire: The Smashing Pumpkins Story"
"Primus Sucks: How A Visionary Was Born"
"Chinese Democracy: What The Hell Axl Has Been Waiting For To Put This Goddamn Record Out Already"
"I Was Diagnosed As Functionally Retarded, But I Still Made All This Really Cool Crap On My Synthesizer: The Gary Numan Story"
"Tupac Shakur: I'm Not Dead Yet" (Oh yeah, this movie has already been made like 50 times)
"Love Myself Better Than You: Why Kurt Cobain Wasn't So Special After All"
"Elton John Has His Head In A Stove. Worst. Suicide Attempt. Ever"
"Cerebral Rape And Pillage With The Replacements" (Now THAT's a cool title)
"Rags To Riches: The Trick Daddy Story" (I love it when dumb-as-shit rappers are unjustly glorified)
"You're Not Supposed To Rap, White British Dude: Why Mike Skinner Is A Hero"
"Put Me To Sleep, The Shins"
"Take It Off: The Donnas' Journey From 3 Annoying Cali Girls to... 3 Annoying Cali Girls, That ROCK!"
"Gavin Rossdale: What He Does These Days Besides Fuck Gwen Stefani"
And, while we're on the topic of tools with superhot wives, here's one that I would love to see made from the sporting world:
"Waah! Waah! I Just Went 18-0 And Lost The Super Bowl. Let Me Take Consolation By Going Home And Fucking Gisele. Love, Tom Brady"
That movie would make my year. It already has
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Atomic Swing- Stone Me Into The Groove
Generally, rock bands from Sweden are fucking cool (like The Hives, Soundtrack of Our Lives, etc). Which, in itself, is kind of an anomaly, because all the guys I've ever known from Sweden were all monumental douchebags.
Sweden as a country is shit. Their most prized exports are the worst-tasting cheese on the market, and the musical atrocity known as ABBA. Do not even fucking get me started on how much torture that band has put me through, and continues to put us all through to this day.
I guess Sweden's youth in the 90s became disaffected from living in the shadow of ABBA and by their home country's reputation as a universal shithole. So, they attempted to right the wrongs of ABBA and form kick-ass rock n'roll bands that were actually cool.
The Hives, The Sounds, and many others have succeeded, creating huge, cool, American modern rock hits in the early to mid 2000s. But more than a decade earlier, Atomic Swing failed. Their debut album was called "A Car Crash In The Blue". Right away, marketing car crashes to kids. Their record label must have been so proud of them. And this record came out in 93', at the height of all that MADD bullcrap. No wonder these guys never broke in the States.
Atomic Swing never gained any level of success outside of Sweden, where they scored a huge hit with the first single off Car Crash whatever, "Stone Me Into The Groove". The song itself is "frat-rock" at its purest, and sounds like nothing but an attempt for some dudes from some college to get laid. C'mon, with lyrics such as "I want a flag in the room of your arms/ I wanna enjoy all of your charms", it's very obvious these guys weren't trying to do anything else but score. Somewhere in Sweden, they are still getting laid from this crap. But nowhere else.
Another reason "Stone Me Into The Groove" was never marketed in the US is because of the theme of rampant drug use suggested by its title. I'm sure Tipper Gore would have had a field day with this one. This is supposed to be one of those songs where you sit back, do all the drugs in the world, and "zone out" to. In other words,You better smoke up a big bowl right now if you plan to listen to this entirely, because if you don't, it will suck big time.
Atomic Swing's lead singer, Niclas Frisk (apparently this guy is too "cool" to just spell his name like any other dude with his name), has some pretty decent guitar chops, but the video is focused more on his bulging arms and some kind of head-shaking dance. Luckily for us, he hogs about 80% of face time in this video, because the bassist and keyboard player have gotta be two of the skeeziest looking sketchballs I have ever seen. I would surely not want to run into those guys at some back alley in Stockholm.
Unless you were stuck living somewhere in Sweden in the early 90s, there's a good chance you missed out on this crap. And you should be damn proud you did, unless you really wanna hear the sound of some monumental douchebag rapists inviting you over for weed and sex.
Sweden as a country is shit. Their most prized exports are the worst-tasting cheese on the market, and the musical atrocity known as ABBA. Do not even fucking get me started on how much torture that band has put me through, and continues to put us all through to this day.
I guess Sweden's youth in the 90s became disaffected from living in the shadow of ABBA and by their home country's reputation as a universal shithole. So, they attempted to right the wrongs of ABBA and form kick-ass rock n'roll bands that were actually cool.
The Hives, The Sounds, and many others have succeeded, creating huge, cool, American modern rock hits in the early to mid 2000s. But more than a decade earlier, Atomic Swing failed. Their debut album was called "A Car Crash In The Blue". Right away, marketing car crashes to kids. Their record label must have been so proud of them. And this record came out in 93', at the height of all that MADD bullcrap. No wonder these guys never broke in the States.
Atomic Swing never gained any level of success outside of Sweden, where they scored a huge hit with the first single off Car Crash whatever, "Stone Me Into The Groove". The song itself is "frat-rock" at its purest, and sounds like nothing but an attempt for some dudes from some college to get laid. C'mon, with lyrics such as "I want a flag in the room of your arms/ I wanna enjoy all of your charms", it's very obvious these guys weren't trying to do anything else but score. Somewhere in Sweden, they are still getting laid from this crap. But nowhere else.
Another reason "Stone Me Into The Groove" was never marketed in the US is because of the theme of rampant drug use suggested by its title. I'm sure Tipper Gore would have had a field day with this one. This is supposed to be one of those songs where you sit back, do all the drugs in the world, and "zone out" to. In other words,You better smoke up a big bowl right now if you plan to listen to this entirely, because if you don't, it will suck big time.
Atomic Swing's lead singer, Niclas Frisk (apparently this guy is too "cool" to just spell his name like any other dude with his name), has some pretty decent guitar chops, but the video is focused more on his bulging arms and some kind of head-shaking dance. Luckily for us, he hogs about 80% of face time in this video, because the bassist and keyboard player have gotta be two of the skeeziest looking sketchballs I have ever seen. I would surely not want to run into those guys at some back alley in Stockholm.
Unless you were stuck living somewhere in Sweden in the early 90s, there's a good chance you missed out on this crap. And you should be damn proud you did, unless you really wanna hear the sound of some monumental douchebag rapists inviting you over for weed and sex.
Friday, August 1, 2008
The State of Hipster Nation In The Year 2008
The Ting Tings = Shut Up And Give Us Your Money
We Are Scientists = We Are Pretentious Douchebags
Vampire Weekend = Snotty Brats Who Happen To Play Really Bad Music
Santogold = Some Annoying Hipster Chick Who Happens To Sing
LCD Soundsystem = Some Annoying Hipster Doofus
Band Of Horses = Just Another Band Of Hipsters
MGMT = Sellouts With Synths
Girl Talk = WHERE Is The RIAA When We Need Them To Prevent This Crap?
Devandra Banhart = Freak Show
Crystal Castles, Justice, Chromeo, Simian Mobile Disco, Or Any "Band" Who Is Really A DJ = ElectroCRAP
The Black Kids = Masters Of "Irony" and Shitty Music
Lykke Li = Why? Just WHY? Please Go Back To Sweden.
Kid Sister & Lil' Mama = Why Girls Shouldn't Rap.
Spank Rock & Datarock = Way To Call Yourselves That And Do ANYTHING But "Rock"
Deerhoof = Indecipherable Noise. Shut Up.
The Cool Kids = OK, We Get It. You Were Born In The Wrong Decade.
Stephen Malkmus = That Guy Who Used To Be In That Band... But He Sucks Now
CSS = That Annoying Drunk Chick Who Jumps Onstage And Thinks She Can "Sing" To Techno.
Blitzen Trapper & Grizzly Bear = Please Go Back To Some Cave In The Mountains And Leave Us Alone.
The Hold Steady = Holy Shit! A Hipster Band That DOESN'T Suck!
Note: If there is any band that I failed to blast here, it doesn't necessarily mean I like them. In fact, it probably means I couldn't think of a mean enough insult for them, so your favorite band is not off the hook. Have a nice day.
We Are Scientists = We Are Pretentious Douchebags
Vampire Weekend = Snotty Brats Who Happen To Play Really Bad Music
Santogold = Some Annoying Hipster Chick Who Happens To Sing
LCD Soundsystem = Some Annoying Hipster Doofus
Band Of Horses = Just Another Band Of Hipsters
MGMT = Sellouts With Synths
Girl Talk = WHERE Is The RIAA When We Need Them To Prevent This Crap?
Devandra Banhart = Freak Show
Crystal Castles, Justice, Chromeo, Simian Mobile Disco, Or Any "Band" Who Is Really A DJ = ElectroCRAP
The Black Kids = Masters Of "Irony" and Shitty Music
Lykke Li = Why? Just WHY? Please Go Back To Sweden.
Kid Sister & Lil' Mama = Why Girls Shouldn't Rap.
Spank Rock & Datarock = Way To Call Yourselves That And Do ANYTHING But "Rock"
Deerhoof = Indecipherable Noise. Shut Up.
The Cool Kids = OK, We Get It. You Were Born In The Wrong Decade.
Stephen Malkmus = That Guy Who Used To Be In That Band... But He Sucks Now
CSS = That Annoying Drunk Chick Who Jumps Onstage And Thinks She Can "Sing" To Techno.
Blitzen Trapper & Grizzly Bear = Please Go Back To Some Cave In The Mountains And Leave Us Alone.
The Hold Steady = Holy Shit! A Hipster Band That DOESN'T Suck!
Note: If there is any band that I failed to blast here, it doesn't necessarily mean I like them. In fact, it probably means I couldn't think of a mean enough insult for them, so your favorite band is not off the hook. Have a nice day.
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