Guano Apes- Open Your Eyes

The Guano Apes were a rock band from Germany. Need I say more? Do I even need to explain to you why they suck? For a country that has produced shitty music, more shitty music, (sorry Hasselhoff) boy bands, and genocide, comes a band that is quite literally musical genocide. A female-fronted band that combines slap-bass funk, shrill screaming, manufactured angst, and Limp Bizkit-aping cock-shlock rap metal. In other words, a mixture of awful, awful, and ABSOLUTELY GOD-FUCKING AWFUL.
Already heroes in their native Germany (who fucking isn't) "Open Your Eyes" was the single which broke the Apes to the U.S. in 1999, where they were lumped in with all the aggro-metal-rap bands that were being signed dime-a-dozen at the time (Coal Chamber, The Flys, Hed PE, Insane Clown Posse, I can't go on it's too painful). They are purely a product of the late 90s' because at no other time in history would mainstream ears be subjected to such crap. But just how bad is this song? let's take a look.
You turn on the track, and what do you hear? Muffled garbage, sounds like some alien language. Upon further listening, it seems as if it's German, in REVERSE. The band decided to start their biggest single with a subliminal message in German that no one even fucking cares about in Germany. This vocal passage will be repeated three more times throughout the course of the song, and constitutes practically the entire third verse section. How pleasant.
So after about 10 seconds of this backwash mess, roaring guitars come in, followed by Chili Peppers-style slap bass. OK, not a bad start. But then, their lead singer chick starts rapping, and it all goes to hell.
Her voice is unbelievably annoying and shrill, and her lines make no sense at all. Sample: "Have you ever been for sale?/ when your isms get smart/oh so selfish and mindless/ with that comment in your eye"
WHAT THE FUCK does that mean? That's just gibberish. Does this bitch know how to write lyrics in English, much less rap them? Obviously not, so the joke's on all the millions of depressed kids who scooped up this kind of crap by the bucketloads.
OK, so let's see if the chorus can redeem this ill-fated attempt at lyrical prowess:
"Open your eyes, open your mind/ proud like a god don't pretend to be blind/ trapped in yourself, break out instead/beat the machine that works in your head"
OK, this is what the people at the record company want you to think after hearing this shit:
"Yeah man, this is so rebellious! It makes me want to fucking break things and go crazy! Oh yeah, and drive down to my local Sam's Club to buy this CD"
NOT even close. There is absolutely no way this band from Germany with less command of the English language than a mule could have written that. It sounds like the chorus was written by record executives looking to cash in on the late-90s craze of all this "teen angst". Oh, and cash in they did. "Open Your Eyes" and the supporting record "Proud Like A God" sold over a million copies worldwide. A MILLION IDIOTS bought this crap?
OK, let me tell you a little story. You know why the record business is doing so bad, and people don't actually go out to stores to buy records anymore?
Because a long time ago, in a dorm room far, far away (or maybe somewhere in Boston), some kid was looking through his record collection one day and he saw a Guano Apes record in there. And suddenly, he came across a revelation: I actually went out and BOUGHT a Guano Apes record? There has to be a better way for people to hear music this bad without having to spend their hard-earned money. Goddamn it, I will invent a way to get this shit for free if its the last fucking thing I do"
That kid was the creator of Napster, and the rest is history. This German band could have led to the current Holocaust of CD sales.