When I was recently looking at a list of bad 90s' one-hit wonders, I thought I had pinpointed the worst and most annoying one. Well looking further back in time, I may have been wrong. This one comes from the year 1996. You'll have to stick with me while I introduce it
Relatively speaking, 1996 was an awesome year for music, one of the best in my memory. Pop and rock radio were dominated by huge, awesome alterna-rock classics from legitimately cool bands such as Spacehog, Local H, No Doubt, and the Butthole Surfers.
Literally speaking, I was a happy camper back then, a senior in elementary school. That year was filled with fond memories of rocking out with my alternative buddies in the elementary school cafeteria to Bush, Silverchair, and even White Zombie (Yes, I was one badass 12 year old). Clarissa was explaining it all to me on TV, Kazaam and Robin Williams were making my dreams come true at the movies, and the NY Yankees were making my dreams come true on the sports field. Life was good.
Then came middle school in the fall. From the get-go, I missed elementary school like a hailstorm. Back in the old school, I hung out with kids who were down with the new alternative rock, and I was cool. In middle school, most of the kids there were ghetto and intimidating, and preferred to listen to Tupac and Quad City DJs over bands that were my bread and butter, like Weezer and the Smashing Pumpkins.
Then came my first middle school dance, and I heard it. The song that would become my #1 annoyance for the remainder of 1996. As funny and cheesy as it sounds to listen to this song now, it still makes my blood boil for the ghost of my 12-year old self when I hear this awful atrocity. This song, or course, is "Mouth" by Merrill Bainbridge.
Within two weeks of that dance, it was the song all the girls would sing along to every day during recess, or during any break in my teacher's speech. It was the song that had "naughty" lyrics supposedly, so all the 12-14 year old girls felt "adult" and cool for singing it. And of course, all the dudes followed along, because it made them imagine what adult sex would be like. And of course, its soft reggae-tinged R&B rhythm made it gentle and unaggressive sounding, absolutely perfect for the urban middle school set.
Here's the chorus:
"Would it be my fault if I could turn you on?
Would I be so bad if I could turn you on?
When I kiss your mouth I wanna taste it
Turn you upside down, don't wanna waste it"
Just to think, that this is something we were listening to at 12 years old. My GOD were the 1990s kinky! On the other hand, this makes me feel dirty in almost a bad way. This is the sappiest of the sappy. Just writing those lyrics down on this journal makes me want to put on the Dead Kennedys or Rage Against The Machine and just fucking thrash for about 10 minutes to make up for listening to this atrocity of sap.
After all this talk, we're forgetting the question- who the FUCK is Merrill Bainbridge. She was, I guess, just some chick. During the mid-90s the music business was booming, and girls were getting signed left and right, making for a zillion Merideth Brooks and Beth Harts, most who have thankfully been forgotten. She was just one of the girls in that girl singer-songwriter boom that nobody remembers.
"Mouth" actually was a moderate-sized smash, peaking at #4 on the pop chart in November of 1996. By that point, I could not walk down the hallway of my school without hearing this song in some shape or form. OK, the Macarena was bad too, but that song at least had a novelty factor which I found amusing. Meanwhile, "Mouth" was the annoying song with the annoying lyrics that I absolutely could not stand.
I have considered in this day and age, using the chorus of the song as a prominent pick-up line at bars. I have gone ahead to use it a couple times, to decidedly negative results. You could probably imagine why. Picture this, you're a girl standing by yourself, looking all pretty. Then, this dude comes up to you, without even introducing himself, and asks you if he can kiss your mouth and "turn you upside down"
What would you think? Sketchy? Rape? Exactly.
With the exception of my cool math teacher chick who showed up for class hungover after going to Marilyn Manson's Antichrist Superstar tour, and forgoing her entire lesson plan to talk with us about how awesome the show was, Middle School Sucked. A song which has had a similar effect on me the following spring of 97'was "Lovefool" by the Cardigans. This was also a one-hit wonder song, but everyone remembers "Lovefool" for how annoying it was.
Meanwhile, "Mouth" by Merrill Bainbridge, is a song that I believe is unique to me in the annoyance it caused me at a particular place in time. And that's why I'm writing about it now. I loved '96, but absolutely hated the kiss your mouth song. And don't let anything in this entry tell you any different. I still fucking hate it now. More than ever.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Peach Union- On My Own
The late 1990s were a relative sanctuary for overproduced and awful dance music sung by girls. Gina G, La Bouche, Sophie B. Hawkins, Aqua, the list goes on and on of shitty dance producers and singers who cashed in with huge, cheesy late 90s dance anthems. And pop radio stations such as my then-favorite, NYC's Z100, ate them up like sugar, the pop confectinary and billion dollar productions that they were.
But the worst of the worst, the overblownest of the overblown, the cheesiest of the cheezy, was "On My Own", by Euro-crap tools Peach Union. It was a song that sounded as if every kick, snare and instrumental flourish cost about a million dollars to produce. After all, back in the late Clinton-era, that kind of money was flying around, unlike today (Obama will change that soon, but that's another story).
When this song was a hit in the US for about three days in October of 97' I was a young teenager. When you're that age, you're pretty much too young to realize that you're listening to absolute shit. You tend at 13 to take what the major-label spoonman gives you and not complain about it. Which is exactly the reason why gigantic ball of crap "High School Musical 3" is getting your money as we speak. When you're that age, you have a hard time discerning the greater forces of reality.
When I was 13, this song "On My Own" was stuck right in the center of Z100's playlist, right in between Third Eye Blind and Sister Hazel. Of course, I thought it sounded great then. But looking back on it now, I was just a stupid tween stuck in his own world. This song sucks balls in hell, right in between mediocre one-second wonders as Fort Minor's "Where'd You Go" and Jimmy Ray's "Are You Jimmy Ray".
OK, let me talking about the song's one saving grace first. After a weird operatic opening and the typical 90s' dance-pop "1-2-3-4" countoff, this weird, hypnotic bass line kicks in. This bass groove has synths, keyboards, and lots of cheese surrounding it. Enough so to make Right Said Fred roll around and cringe in his pop cultural grave. But the riff itself is dark enough to be almost cool. Like I'm pretty sure the Smashing Pumpkins could do a number with it. But not in this universe.
OK, the good part is over. The lead singer of this "Peach Union" sounds like a tenth-rate Madonna rip-off. Even her breathing and posturing in the video were likely to inspire a royal ass-whupping if Madonna ever laid ears on it. Unfortunately, during the 90's Madge existed in a completely different stratosphere than to ever be in the same room as this knock-off.
The song's chorus is manufactured cheese. No wonder this song was left "on its own" in the annals of pop. No one fucking remembers it. That's because the chorus is woefully forgettable, and contradicts itself. The name of the song is "On MY Own" and all the verses suggest that it was intended to be made as a break-up anthem for the ladies. But the chorus includes the line "Through the course of history, I hope you'll still remember me". I wonder what brilliant hired songwriter thought of this gem. Fucking history? You would think that if you're breaking up with a dude, you would want him to forget you and move on, not remember you for all of eternity. JESUS.
The song is best known for two things:
1. having the shortest and quickest time of any song as a figment of America's pop cultural zeitgeist.
2. being on the soundtrack of Gwyneth Paltrow's long-forgotten chick flick "Sliding Doors".
So it's a forgettable song that was featured in a forgettable movie, from what was turning out to be a horrible era in American music. First there was this Euro-dance crap which the song was part of.. Then there were the boy bands and TRL and all those indescribable horrors.. Then Bush got elected President.. Then everything went to hell. At least until now...
But the worst of the worst, the overblownest of the overblown, the cheesiest of the cheezy, was "On My Own", by Euro-crap tools Peach Union. It was a song that sounded as if every kick, snare and instrumental flourish cost about a million dollars to produce. After all, back in the late Clinton-era, that kind of money was flying around, unlike today (Obama will change that soon, but that's another story).
When this song was a hit in the US for about three days in October of 97' I was a young teenager. When you're that age, you're pretty much too young to realize that you're listening to absolute shit. You tend at 13 to take what the major-label spoonman gives you and not complain about it. Which is exactly the reason why gigantic ball of crap "High School Musical 3" is getting your money as we speak. When you're that age, you have a hard time discerning the greater forces of reality.
When I was 13, this song "On My Own" was stuck right in the center of Z100's playlist, right in between Third Eye Blind and Sister Hazel. Of course, I thought it sounded great then. But looking back on it now, I was just a stupid tween stuck in his own world. This song sucks balls in hell, right in between mediocre one-second wonders as Fort Minor's "Where'd You Go" and Jimmy Ray's "Are You Jimmy Ray".
OK, let me talking about the song's one saving grace first. After a weird operatic opening and the typical 90s' dance-pop "1-2-3-4" countoff, this weird, hypnotic bass line kicks in. This bass groove has synths, keyboards, and lots of cheese surrounding it. Enough so to make Right Said Fred roll around and cringe in his pop cultural grave. But the riff itself is dark enough to be almost cool. Like I'm pretty sure the Smashing Pumpkins could do a number with it. But not in this universe.
OK, the good part is over. The lead singer of this "Peach Union" sounds like a tenth-rate Madonna rip-off. Even her breathing and posturing in the video were likely to inspire a royal ass-whupping if Madonna ever laid ears on it. Unfortunately, during the 90's Madge existed in a completely different stratosphere than to ever be in the same room as this knock-off.
The song's chorus is manufactured cheese. No wonder this song was left "on its own" in the annals of pop. No one fucking remembers it. That's because the chorus is woefully forgettable, and contradicts itself. The name of the song is "On MY Own" and all the verses suggest that it was intended to be made as a break-up anthem for the ladies. But the chorus includes the line "Through the course of history, I hope you'll still remember me". I wonder what brilliant hired songwriter thought of this gem. Fucking history? You would think that if you're breaking up with a dude, you would want him to forget you and move on, not remember you for all of eternity. JESUS.
The song is best known for two things:
1. having the shortest and quickest time of any song as a figment of America's pop cultural zeitgeist.
2. being on the soundtrack of Gwyneth Paltrow's long-forgotten chick flick "Sliding Doors".
So it's a forgettable song that was featured in a forgettable movie, from what was turning out to be a horrible era in American music. First there was this Euro-dance crap which the song was part of.. Then there were the boy bands and TRL and all those indescribable horrors.. Then Bush got elected President.. Then everything went to hell. At least until now...
Monday, September 15, 2008
Original Karaoke Mash-Ups
This is a mash-up album which I have been working on for awhile, which I will share on here as an online exclusive. Feel free to comment and share these with whoever, and post it on your blog as well.
1. Cut Your Mullet (Lynyrd Skynyrd Vs. Pavement)
2. Spaceman Oddity (David Bowie Vs. Babylon Zoo)
3. The Smashing Pumpkins Are Playing At My House (LCD Soundsystem Vs. Smashing Pumpkins)
4. Tyler In My Mind (Toadies Vs. Pixies)
5. You Set High Voltage In Me (Tom Vek Vs. Electric Six)
1. Cut Your Mullet (Lynyrd Skynyrd Vs. Pavement)
2. Spaceman Oddity (David Bowie Vs. Babylon Zoo)
3. The Smashing Pumpkins Are Playing At My House (LCD Soundsystem Vs. Smashing Pumpkins)
4. Tyler In My Mind (Toadies Vs. Pixies)
5. You Set High Voltage In Me (Tom Vek Vs. Electric Six)
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Rock Movies I'd Like To See Made
"The World Is A Vampire: The Smashing Pumpkins Story"
"Primus Sucks: How A Visionary Was Born"
"Chinese Democracy: What The Hell Axl Has Been Waiting For To Put This Goddamn Record Out Already"
"I Was Diagnosed As Functionally Retarded, But I Still Made All This Really Cool Crap On My Synthesizer: The Gary Numan Story"
"Tupac Shakur: I'm Not Dead Yet" (Oh yeah, this movie has already been made like 50 times)
"Love Myself Better Than You: Why Kurt Cobain Wasn't So Special After All"
"Elton John Has His Head In A Stove. Worst. Suicide Attempt. Ever"
"Cerebral Rape And Pillage With The Replacements" (Now THAT's a cool title)
"Rags To Riches: The Trick Daddy Story" (I love it when dumb-as-shit rappers are unjustly glorified)
"You're Not Supposed To Rap, White British Dude: Why Mike Skinner Is A Hero"
"Put Me To Sleep, The Shins"
"Take It Off: The Donnas' Journey From 3 Annoying Cali Girls to... 3 Annoying Cali Girls, That ROCK!"
"Gavin Rossdale: What He Does These Days Besides Fuck Gwen Stefani"
And, while we're on the topic of tools with superhot wives, here's one that I would love to see made from the sporting world:
"Waah! Waah! I Just Went 18-0 And Lost The Super Bowl. Let Me Take Consolation By Going Home And Fucking Gisele. Love, Tom Brady"
That movie would make my year. It already has
"Primus Sucks: How A Visionary Was Born"
"Chinese Democracy: What The Hell Axl Has Been Waiting For To Put This Goddamn Record Out Already"
"I Was Diagnosed As Functionally Retarded, But I Still Made All This Really Cool Crap On My Synthesizer: The Gary Numan Story"
"Tupac Shakur: I'm Not Dead Yet" (Oh yeah, this movie has already been made like 50 times)
"Love Myself Better Than You: Why Kurt Cobain Wasn't So Special After All"
"Elton John Has His Head In A Stove. Worst. Suicide Attempt. Ever"
"Cerebral Rape And Pillage With The Replacements" (Now THAT's a cool title)
"Rags To Riches: The Trick Daddy Story" (I love it when dumb-as-shit rappers are unjustly glorified)
"You're Not Supposed To Rap, White British Dude: Why Mike Skinner Is A Hero"
"Put Me To Sleep, The Shins"
"Take It Off: The Donnas' Journey From 3 Annoying Cali Girls to... 3 Annoying Cali Girls, That ROCK!"
"Gavin Rossdale: What He Does These Days Besides Fuck Gwen Stefani"
And, while we're on the topic of tools with superhot wives, here's one that I would love to see made from the sporting world:
"Waah! Waah! I Just Went 18-0 And Lost The Super Bowl. Let Me Take Consolation By Going Home And Fucking Gisele. Love, Tom Brady"
That movie would make my year. It already has
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Atomic Swing- Stone Me Into The Groove
Generally, rock bands from Sweden are fucking cool (like The Hives, Soundtrack of Our Lives, etc). Which, in itself, is kind of an anomaly, because all the guys I've ever known from Sweden were all monumental douchebags.
Sweden as a country is shit. Their most prized exports are the worst-tasting cheese on the market, and the musical atrocity known as ABBA. Do not even fucking get me started on how much torture that band has put me through, and continues to put us all through to this day.
I guess Sweden's youth in the 90s became disaffected from living in the shadow of ABBA and by their home country's reputation as a universal shithole. So, they attempted to right the wrongs of ABBA and form kick-ass rock n'roll bands that were actually cool.
The Hives, The Sounds, and many others have succeeded, creating huge, cool, American modern rock hits in the early to mid 2000s. But more than a decade earlier, Atomic Swing failed. Their debut album was called "A Car Crash In The Blue". Right away, marketing car crashes to kids. Their record label must have been so proud of them. And this record came out in 93', at the height of all that MADD bullcrap. No wonder these guys never broke in the States.
Atomic Swing never gained any level of success outside of Sweden, where they scored a huge hit with the first single off Car Crash whatever, "Stone Me Into The Groove". The song itself is "frat-rock" at its purest, and sounds like nothing but an attempt for some dudes from some college to get laid. C'mon, with lyrics such as "I want a flag in the room of your arms/ I wanna enjoy all of your charms", it's very obvious these guys weren't trying to do anything else but score. Somewhere in Sweden, they are still getting laid from this crap. But nowhere else.
Another reason "Stone Me Into The Groove" was never marketed in the US is because of the theme of rampant drug use suggested by its title. I'm sure Tipper Gore would have had a field day with this one. This is supposed to be one of those songs where you sit back, do all the drugs in the world, and "zone out" to. In other words,You better smoke up a big bowl right now if you plan to listen to this entirely, because if you don't, it will suck big time.
Atomic Swing's lead singer, Niclas Frisk (apparently this guy is too "cool" to just spell his name like any other dude with his name), has some pretty decent guitar chops, but the video is focused more on his bulging arms and some kind of head-shaking dance. Luckily for us, he hogs about 80% of face time in this video, because the bassist and keyboard player have gotta be two of the skeeziest looking sketchballs I have ever seen. I would surely not want to run into those guys at some back alley in Stockholm.
Unless you were stuck living somewhere in Sweden in the early 90s, there's a good chance you missed out on this crap. And you should be damn proud you did, unless you really wanna hear the sound of some monumental douchebag rapists inviting you over for weed and sex.
Sweden as a country is shit. Their most prized exports are the worst-tasting cheese on the market, and the musical atrocity known as ABBA. Do not even fucking get me started on how much torture that band has put me through, and continues to put us all through to this day.
I guess Sweden's youth in the 90s became disaffected from living in the shadow of ABBA and by their home country's reputation as a universal shithole. So, they attempted to right the wrongs of ABBA and form kick-ass rock n'roll bands that were actually cool.
The Hives, The Sounds, and many others have succeeded, creating huge, cool, American modern rock hits in the early to mid 2000s. But more than a decade earlier, Atomic Swing failed. Their debut album was called "A Car Crash In The Blue". Right away, marketing car crashes to kids. Their record label must have been so proud of them. And this record came out in 93', at the height of all that MADD bullcrap. No wonder these guys never broke in the States.
Atomic Swing never gained any level of success outside of Sweden, where they scored a huge hit with the first single off Car Crash whatever, "Stone Me Into The Groove". The song itself is "frat-rock" at its purest, and sounds like nothing but an attempt for some dudes from some college to get laid. C'mon, with lyrics such as "I want a flag in the room of your arms/ I wanna enjoy all of your charms", it's very obvious these guys weren't trying to do anything else but score. Somewhere in Sweden, they are still getting laid from this crap. But nowhere else.
Another reason "Stone Me Into The Groove" was never marketed in the US is because of the theme of rampant drug use suggested by its title. I'm sure Tipper Gore would have had a field day with this one. This is supposed to be one of those songs where you sit back, do all the drugs in the world, and "zone out" to. In other words,You better smoke up a big bowl right now if you plan to listen to this entirely, because if you don't, it will suck big time.
Atomic Swing's lead singer, Niclas Frisk (apparently this guy is too "cool" to just spell his name like any other dude with his name), has some pretty decent guitar chops, but the video is focused more on his bulging arms and some kind of head-shaking dance. Luckily for us, he hogs about 80% of face time in this video, because the bassist and keyboard player have gotta be two of the skeeziest looking sketchballs I have ever seen. I would surely not want to run into those guys at some back alley in Stockholm.
Unless you were stuck living somewhere in Sweden in the early 90s, there's a good chance you missed out on this crap. And you should be damn proud you did, unless you really wanna hear the sound of some monumental douchebag rapists inviting you over for weed and sex.
Friday, August 1, 2008
The State of Hipster Nation In The Year 2008
The Ting Tings = Shut Up And Give Us Your Money
We Are Scientists = We Are Pretentious Douchebags
Vampire Weekend = Snotty Brats Who Happen To Play Really Bad Music
Santogold = Some Annoying Hipster Chick Who Happens To Sing
LCD Soundsystem = Some Annoying Hipster Doofus
Band Of Horses = Just Another Band Of Hipsters
MGMT = Sellouts With Synths
Girl Talk = WHERE Is The RIAA When We Need Them To Prevent This Crap?
Devandra Banhart = Freak Show
Crystal Castles, Justice, Chromeo, Simian Mobile Disco, Or Any "Band" Who Is Really A DJ = ElectroCRAP
The Black Kids = Masters Of "Irony" and Shitty Music
Lykke Li = Why? Just WHY? Please Go Back To Sweden.
Kid Sister & Lil' Mama = Why Girls Shouldn't Rap.
Spank Rock & Datarock = Way To Call Yourselves That And Do ANYTHING But "Rock"
Deerhoof = Indecipherable Noise. Shut Up.
The Cool Kids = OK, We Get It. You Were Born In The Wrong Decade.
Stephen Malkmus = That Guy Who Used To Be In That Band... But He Sucks Now
CSS = That Annoying Drunk Chick Who Jumps Onstage And Thinks She Can "Sing" To Techno.
Blitzen Trapper & Grizzly Bear = Please Go Back To Some Cave In The Mountains And Leave Us Alone.
The Hold Steady = Holy Shit! A Hipster Band That DOESN'T Suck!
Note: If there is any band that I failed to blast here, it doesn't necessarily mean I like them. In fact, it probably means I couldn't think of a mean enough insult for them, so your favorite band is not off the hook. Have a nice day.
We Are Scientists = We Are Pretentious Douchebags
Vampire Weekend = Snotty Brats Who Happen To Play Really Bad Music
Santogold = Some Annoying Hipster Chick Who Happens To Sing
LCD Soundsystem = Some Annoying Hipster Doofus
Band Of Horses = Just Another Band Of Hipsters
MGMT = Sellouts With Synths
Girl Talk = WHERE Is The RIAA When We Need Them To Prevent This Crap?
Devandra Banhart = Freak Show
Crystal Castles, Justice, Chromeo, Simian Mobile Disco, Or Any "Band" Who Is Really A DJ = ElectroCRAP
The Black Kids = Masters Of "Irony" and Shitty Music
Lykke Li = Why? Just WHY? Please Go Back To Sweden.
Kid Sister & Lil' Mama = Why Girls Shouldn't Rap.
Spank Rock & Datarock = Way To Call Yourselves That And Do ANYTHING But "Rock"
Deerhoof = Indecipherable Noise. Shut Up.
The Cool Kids = OK, We Get It. You Were Born In The Wrong Decade.
Stephen Malkmus = That Guy Who Used To Be In That Band... But He Sucks Now
CSS = That Annoying Drunk Chick Who Jumps Onstage And Thinks She Can "Sing" To Techno.
Blitzen Trapper & Grizzly Bear = Please Go Back To Some Cave In The Mountains And Leave Us Alone.
The Hold Steady = Holy Shit! A Hipster Band That DOESN'T Suck!
Note: If there is any band that I failed to blast here, it doesn't necessarily mean I like them. In fact, it probably means I couldn't think of a mean enough insult for them, so your favorite band is not off the hook. Have a nice day.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The Smashing Pumpkins- It's Never Too late To Sell out
Some people thought the Pumpkins sold out in 93', when they signed to a major and created a stronghold on mainstream rock radio that would last for the remainder of the decade. Others thought they sold out last year, when their new song was featured in a car commercial. But in my opinion, the true moment when the Smashing Pumpkins sold out happened this morning.
I took a glance at the daily Itunes charts. I see the Jonas Brothers, Myley Cirus, Nickelcrap, and all the other force-fed mainstream crap the corporations push at us. And then what do i see, the fucking Smashing Pumpkins! "The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning", a forgotten B-side which was included in a trailer for "The Watchmen", which only appeared before "The Dark Knight", which within the past week, has been seen by EVERY SINGLE FUCKING HUMAN BEING ON EARTH and their mother. So of course, there has been a lot of curiosity about that song.
But I DO NOT WANT that. I do not want the same kids who listen to the Jonas Brothers and American Idol and other such unmentionables to suddenly be transfixed by "this cool new band called the Smashing Pumpkins." Kids these days who buy all this consumer crap and who bought all these Ipods are too young and stupid to appreciate a band like the Pumpkins. And I am not talking about Emperor Corgan and the Pumpkin Kingdom, or whatever the fuck the band is called today.
I am talking about the original Smashing Pumpkins we grew up loving. I mean, look what happened to Journey when their song was used in a major television show. Now, every single 17-year old from Bumblefuck, New Jersey knows all the words to "Don't Stop Believing" And I HATE IT! Because kids these days, they just don't know how to appreciate this stuff. They view it as throwaway crap they just buy for 99 cents online, download onto their Ipods and learn all the words to, only to forget them the next week and buy whatever schlub MTV tells them is cool. I do not want such a body of work as the Pumpkins' catalog getting this kind of treatment. I am fucking serious. This was my generation's band, and they don't even deserve to be mentioned in the same breath of forcefed crap like the Jonas Brothers.
I took a glance at the daily Itunes charts. I see the Jonas Brothers, Myley Cirus, Nickelcrap, and all the other force-fed mainstream crap the corporations push at us. And then what do i see, the fucking Smashing Pumpkins! "The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning", a forgotten B-side which was included in a trailer for "The Watchmen", which only appeared before "The Dark Knight", which within the past week, has been seen by EVERY SINGLE FUCKING HUMAN BEING ON EARTH and their mother. So of course, there has been a lot of curiosity about that song.
But I DO NOT WANT that. I do not want the same kids who listen to the Jonas Brothers and American Idol and other such unmentionables to suddenly be transfixed by "this cool new band called the Smashing Pumpkins." Kids these days who buy all this consumer crap and who bought all these Ipods are too young and stupid to appreciate a band like the Pumpkins. And I am not talking about Emperor Corgan and the Pumpkin Kingdom, or whatever the fuck the band is called today.
I am talking about the original Smashing Pumpkins we grew up loving. I mean, look what happened to Journey when their song was used in a major television show. Now, every single 17-year old from Bumblefuck, New Jersey knows all the words to "Don't Stop Believing" And I HATE IT! Because kids these days, they just don't know how to appreciate this stuff. They view it as throwaway crap they just buy for 99 cents online, download onto their Ipods and learn all the words to, only to forget them the next week and buy whatever schlub MTV tells them is cool. I do not want such a body of work as the Pumpkins' catalog getting this kind of treatment. I am fucking serious. This was my generation's band, and they don't even deserve to be mentioned in the same breath of forcefed crap like the Jonas Brothers.
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Death of Mainstream Music
I was young and impressionable. I was in 12th grade at the time that Nickelcrap's hauntingly crappy 1st single "How You Remind Me" was being shoved down the collective throats of my generation, and everyone swallowed. I didn't realize it at the time, but Nickelback really sucked (and still suck). I don't know what it is, maybe it's just the fact that when you're between the ages of 12 to 16 you just take what the spoonman gives you. In middle school I DID listen to good music (not a lot though), but I'd also listen to utter shite: Limp Bizkit, Creed, *insert other hacks here*, but I've been apologizing for that time in my life ever since.
It's not so bad to be spoonfed GOOD music, which lets admit it: The 90's might be the last decade where the majority of mainstream music was actually very good (including the indie ranks but that's a given). There was even some good Christian music. (gasp) ANYWAY, the whole point of this particular entry of mine is to humbly express how I think that the day "How You Remind Me" hit the mainstream circuit was also the day when there was no turning back. Since then, RARELY have I been captivated when I turn on the FM stations now (not ALL THE TIME though). As a result, rarely do I elect to listen to the radio. Rarely am I ever impressed when I see TRL, a "music" television show that plays the (allegedly) top 10 most requested music videos of the week or something. For those who don't know: TRL is practically this long commercial with 10 second snippets of music videos in-between.
Those who don't understand my grievances probably don't understand just how generically derivative this "post-grunge" band really is. It's just as bad as listening to some "hot new indie band" that only plays kitchen appliances just because they play kitchen appliances. Sure, NickelCRAP has sold a lot of albums, but don't sit here and insult the legends of the past by trying to convince me that Nickelcrap deserves a place in music history unless it has to do with "worst band ever" ranking. Don't insult music lovers by trying to convince us that Nickelcrap has artistic integrity either. So in conclusion, thinking back on the year 2001 reminds me of puke. I could go on and on but I'll spare you. ...I haven't puked in awhile. I'll go do it right now.
"...You're not artistic, and you have no integrity!" - Seinfeld
It's not so bad to be spoonfed GOOD music, which lets admit it: The 90's might be the last decade where the majority of mainstream music was actually very good (including the indie ranks but that's a given). There was even some good Christian music. (gasp) ANYWAY, the whole point of this particular entry of mine is to humbly express how I think that the day "How You Remind Me" hit the mainstream circuit was also the day when there was no turning back. Since then, RARELY have I been captivated when I turn on the FM stations now (not ALL THE TIME though). As a result, rarely do I elect to listen to the radio. Rarely am I ever impressed when I see TRL, a "music" television show that plays the (allegedly) top 10 most requested music videos of the week or something. For those who don't know: TRL is practically this long commercial with 10 second snippets of music videos in-between.
Those who don't understand my grievances probably don't understand just how generically derivative this "post-grunge" band really is. It's just as bad as listening to some "hot new indie band" that only plays kitchen appliances just because they play kitchen appliances. Sure, NickelCRAP has sold a lot of albums, but don't sit here and insult the legends of the past by trying to convince me that Nickelcrap deserves a place in music history unless it has to do with "worst band ever" ranking. Don't insult music lovers by trying to convince us that Nickelcrap has artistic integrity either. So in conclusion, thinking back on the year 2001 reminds me of puke. I could go on and on but I'll spare you. ...I haven't puked in awhile. I'll go do it right now.
"...You're not artistic, and you have no integrity!" - Seinfeld
Monday, June 2, 2008
Guano Apes- Open Your Eyes
The Guano Apes were a rock band from Germany. Need I say more? Do I even need to explain to you why they suck? For a country that has produced shitty music, more shitty music, (sorry Hasselhoff) boy bands, and genocide, comes a band that is quite literally musical genocide. A female-fronted band that combines slap-bass funk, shrill screaming, manufactured angst, and Limp Bizkit-aping cock-shlock rap metal. In other words, a mixture of awful, awful, and ABSOLUTELY GOD-FUCKING AWFUL.
Already heroes in their native Germany (who fucking isn't) "Open Your Eyes" was the single which broke the Apes to the U.S. in 1999, where they were lumped in with all the aggro-metal-rap bands that were being signed dime-a-dozen at the time (Coal Chamber, The Flys, Hed PE, Insane Clown Posse, I can't go on it's too painful). They are purely a product of the late 90s' because at no other time in history would mainstream ears be subjected to such crap. But just how bad is this song? let's take a look.
You turn on the track, and what do you hear? Muffled garbage, sounds like some alien language. Upon further listening, it seems as if it's German, in REVERSE. The band decided to start their biggest single with a subliminal message in German that no one even fucking cares about in Germany. This vocal passage will be repeated three more times throughout the course of the song, and constitutes practically the entire third verse section. How pleasant.
So after about 10 seconds of this backwash mess, roaring guitars come in, followed by Chili Peppers-style slap bass. OK, not a bad start. But then, their lead singer chick starts rapping, and it all goes to hell.
Her voice is unbelievably annoying and shrill, and her lines make no sense at all. Sample: "Have you ever been for sale?/ when your isms get smart/oh so selfish and mindless/ with that comment in your eye"
WHAT THE FUCK does that mean? That's just gibberish. Does this bitch know how to write lyrics in English, much less rap them? Obviously not, so the joke's on all the millions of depressed kids who scooped up this kind of crap by the bucketloads.
OK, so let's see if the chorus can redeem this ill-fated attempt at lyrical prowess:
"Open your eyes, open your mind/ proud like a god don't pretend to be blind/ trapped in yourself, break out instead/beat the machine that works in your head"
OK, this is what the people at the record company want you to think after hearing this shit:
"Yeah man, this is so rebellious! It makes me want to fucking break things and go crazy! Oh yeah, and drive down to my local Sam's Club to buy this CD"
NOT even close. There is absolutely no way this band from Germany with less command of the English language than a mule could have written that. It sounds like the chorus was written by record executives looking to cash in on the late-90s craze of all this "teen angst". Oh, and cash in they did. "Open Your Eyes" and the supporting record "Proud Like A God" sold over a million copies worldwide. A MILLION IDIOTS bought this crap?
OK, let me tell you a little story. You know why the record business is doing so bad, and people don't actually go out to stores to buy records anymore?
Because a long time ago, in a dorm room far, far away (or maybe somewhere in Boston), some kid was looking through his record collection one day and he saw a Guano Apes record in there. And suddenly, he came across a revelation: I actually went out and BOUGHT a Guano Apes record? There has to be a better way for people to hear music this bad without having to spend their hard-earned money. Goddamn it, I will invent a way to get this shit for free if its the last fucking thing I do"
That kid was the creator of Napster, and the rest is history. This German band could have led to the current Holocaust of CD sales.
Already heroes in their native Germany (who fucking isn't) "Open Your Eyes" was the single which broke the Apes to the U.S. in 1999, where they were lumped in with all the aggro-metal-rap bands that were being signed dime-a-dozen at the time (Coal Chamber, The Flys, Hed PE, Insane Clown Posse, I can't go on it's too painful). They are purely a product of the late 90s' because at no other time in history would mainstream ears be subjected to such crap. But just how bad is this song? let's take a look.
You turn on the track, and what do you hear? Muffled garbage, sounds like some alien language. Upon further listening, it seems as if it's German, in REVERSE. The band decided to start their biggest single with a subliminal message in German that no one even fucking cares about in Germany. This vocal passage will be repeated three more times throughout the course of the song, and constitutes practically the entire third verse section. How pleasant.
So after about 10 seconds of this backwash mess, roaring guitars come in, followed by Chili Peppers-style slap bass. OK, not a bad start. But then, their lead singer chick starts rapping, and it all goes to hell.
Her voice is unbelievably annoying and shrill, and her lines make no sense at all. Sample: "Have you ever been for sale?/ when your isms get smart/oh so selfish and mindless/ with that comment in your eye"
WHAT THE FUCK does that mean? That's just gibberish. Does this bitch know how to write lyrics in English, much less rap them? Obviously not, so the joke's on all the millions of depressed kids who scooped up this kind of crap by the bucketloads.
OK, so let's see if the chorus can redeem this ill-fated attempt at lyrical prowess:
"Open your eyes, open your mind/ proud like a god don't pretend to be blind/ trapped in yourself, break out instead/beat the machine that works in your head"
OK, this is what the people at the record company want you to think after hearing this shit:
"Yeah man, this is so rebellious! It makes me want to fucking break things and go crazy! Oh yeah, and drive down to my local Sam's Club to buy this CD"
NOT even close. There is absolutely no way this band from Germany with less command of the English language than a mule could have written that. It sounds like the chorus was written by record executives looking to cash in on the late-90s craze of all this "teen angst". Oh, and cash in they did. "Open Your Eyes" and the supporting record "Proud Like A God" sold over a million copies worldwide. A MILLION IDIOTS bought this crap?
OK, let me tell you a little story. You know why the record business is doing so bad, and people don't actually go out to stores to buy records anymore?
Because a long time ago, in a dorm room far, far away (or maybe somewhere in Boston), some kid was looking through his record collection one day and he saw a Guano Apes record in there. And suddenly, he came across a revelation: I actually went out and BOUGHT a Guano Apes record? There has to be a better way for people to hear music this bad without having to spend their hard-earned money. Goddamn it, I will invent a way to get this shit for free if its the last fucking thing I do"
That kid was the creator of Napster, and the rest is history. This German band could have led to the current Holocaust of CD sales.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Babylon Zoo- Spaceman
Now today, were gonna take a look at Babylon Zoo's 1996 blockbuster hit "Space Man".
Babylon Zoo was a British industrial/pop rock band of the mid 1990s from Wolverhampton, England, joining Wolverhampton's elite musicians such as... NO ONE. That town sucks. They were fronted by Jas Mann.
THAT's his name? Jas Mann? That's a real rockstar name. Jas Mann. And from the looks of it, he went home with tons of Manns after their shows.
"Spaceman" went straight to Number 1 on the UK singles chart selling 418,000 copies in the first week of release, a record at the time. It was their only hit. It was subsequently featured in an advert for Levi's Jeans, leading to even more sales
OK, if it sold so well, this must be the sickest song ever. But. There is a but. But, when you turn the song on, this is what you hear: A cacaphony of high pitched, high-technology crap which sounds like the opening of Rush's "Tom Sawyer"... On Steroids. Then, after about 20 seconds of this weird techno babble you hear... wait a second, is that Alvin and the fuckin chipmunks? no it can't be. It's Alvin and the Chipmunks singing about space. WHYYY!?
And then finally, after about ten seconds of Alvin's shrill-sounding sped-up vocal, the tempo is slowed down, to the actual SOUND of a fucking record getting slowed down. Finally, after all that has cleared, we finally, FINALLY, hear the sound of Mann's vocal singing the first verse in normal speed.
OK, if you're listening for the first time, this is your obvious question. WHY is there all this crap at the beginning? WHY can't they just go into the first verse right away, like in any other record.
Well they did, at first, but at the peak of the song's success a couple of remixes surfaced and blew up in dance clubs. One of them, the "Fifth Dimension Remix" is just a simple retooling of the song for a techno and trance audience. It has the same hypnotic drum and bass over and over again, on top of what sounds like an engine being revved up. OK, that makes sense, because as of 1996 techno and rave music was at its height of popularity in their native UK. The second was an "Alvinized" remix, which is my term for the entire song being sped up in tempo to resemble Alvin and the Chipmunks. Why this was popular, even in 96'? Who fucking knows.
So some nitwit named Arthur Baker at the record company got a brilliant idea: "Since the song is selling thousands of copies, and the remixes are blowing up at the clubs, then why don't we combine the remix with the actual song? Yay, more money for us!" So Baker made a version of the song which combined the two remixes at the beginning, before going into the first verse. And this is the only fucking version of "Spaceman" you can download today. And you wonder why the record business right now is in dire straits? Because of confused thinking like this.
So on to the verse. In a faux-David Bowie space warble, Mann spits science fiction bullshit, such as "Time to terminate the great white world/Beyond the black horizon/television takes control". You don't think 400,000 idiots bought this record in one week because of this intergalactic pigshit, do you?
After Mann warbles on about... whatever, finally roaring guitars replace the atmospheric emptiness of the verse section. Could this be the big chorus that we're all waiting for?
Nope, just a bridge section: " There's a fire between us, so where is your god?", followed by "I can't get off the carousel" Followed by... "I can't get off the carousel", followed by the same fucking line 2 more times. What does that even mean, "I can't get off the carousel"? And why does Mann consider that line so important that he has to repeat it 4 fucking times before moving on. After the first one I'm thinking of smashing my fucking computer if he doesn't get to the chorus already.
So after the broken record has been fixed, the roaring guitars turn into, more roaring guitars. Is THIS it?
Nope, just yet another bridge section, this one being about a "sickening taste" or some such bullshit, followed by "Beam me up so I can breeeeeattheeeee"
Thank God that 'Spaceman" is not a song that people sing along to at bars, because it's similar to one of those kinds of songs in structure. A song like "Sweet Caroline" or "Don't Stop Believing" which has like 5 sections that people sing along to before getting to the actual chorus, so you don't even know when the real chorus is.
But after "Breeatheee" , this is it! OK, we've sat through all this crap, all these bullshit lyrics, all these chorus teasers. So after all that, what is the fucking chorus? TADA! Here it is. Here is the million-dollar chorus:
"Spaceman. I always wanted you to go/ into Space, Man (Intergalactic Christ)"
That's it? That's IT? Are you fucking KIDDING me?
Apparently, after Babylon Zoo failed to write a follow-up hit Jas Mann quit music altogether, moved to India or something, and has lived off royalties from this song ever since.
Well let me tell you, if I ever wrote a record with a hook this stupid and anticlimactic and millions of people went out and bought it, you're damn right I would do the same fucking thing.
And the chorus doesn't even repeat itself like the damn Carousel line did. Just one chorus, and then the same roaring guitar section, and just some guy screaming. I don't know what the hell he's screaming, it's just shrill and annoying. The fact that they couldn't just do 2 choruses and had to put in this wordless, tasteless screaming, makes me wonder how it's possible all those idiots in the UK bought this.
So then, another warbling verse, more sci-fi psychobabble, then another bridge-carousel-bridge-chorus, and then... whistling. Just this weird whistling that sounds like it came out of a Disney cartoon. That eerie whistling turns into Mann just tunefully singing the name of the band over and over: "Babylon zoo, ba-by-lon-zoo". Yeah, that's as if anyone forgot the name of your band, you have to fucking remind us. I mean, this is a ROCK song. Maybe if you're rapping, you get the rights to say the names of the people who are on the track. But if you're a rock band, then that's a cardinal sin. Never should a you sing the name of your band repeatedly and call it a verse. It's like Mann ran out of sci-fi shit to talk about for a third verse, so he completely scrapped the verse and replaced it with weird whistling and repeating the band's name. Subtle.
So then the familiar roaring guitars come in, and he just keeps repeating the band's name for all eternity. He likes to repeat things, doesn't he? No wonder his band never repeated this kind of hit.
But then, Mann does something relatively remarkable. He skips the bridge, the carousel part, the second bridge, and just cuts straight to the chorus! Oh NOW you cut to the chorus Mann, after making us listen to the name of your band 87,000 times.
So two more choruses, and then for the coda he... FORGETS the chorus, and just starts singing the word "Spaceman" repeatedly, and then just the words "Space" and "Man" until we are finally relieved of our ear torture with the fadeout.
What a jumbled piece of shit this song is. This has gotta be the worst put-together piece of crap the record industry ever produced and promoted. And you're telling me back in 96' every kid on every block was saying "You gotta pick up this new Babylon Zoo record. It changed my life man. I can sooo relate to this music" or any of the billions of other reasons kids go to pick up a record? That's bullshit.
This song SUCKS ass, and shows us all how stupid Englishmen can be in their taste in music. For a country that brought us The Beatles, The Stones, The Who, Oasis, they are fortunate that no one spoke the name Ba-By-Lon-Zoo after 1996. And for GOD's sake, even with all this 80s and 90s' reunion bullshit, I hope it stays that way.
Babylon Zoo was a British industrial/pop rock band of the mid 1990s from Wolverhampton, England, joining Wolverhampton's elite musicians such as... NO ONE. That town sucks. They were fronted by Jas Mann.
THAT's his name? Jas Mann? That's a real rockstar name. Jas Mann. And from the looks of it, he went home with tons of Manns after their shows.
"Spaceman" went straight to Number 1 on the UK singles chart selling 418,000 copies in the first week of release, a record at the time. It was their only hit. It was subsequently featured in an advert for Levi's Jeans, leading to even more sales
OK, if it sold so well, this must be the sickest song ever. But. There is a but. But, when you turn the song on, this is what you hear: A cacaphony of high pitched, high-technology crap which sounds like the opening of Rush's "Tom Sawyer"... On Steroids. Then, after about 20 seconds of this weird techno babble you hear... wait a second, is that Alvin and the fuckin chipmunks? no it can't be. It's Alvin and the Chipmunks singing about space. WHYYY!?
And then finally, after about ten seconds of Alvin's shrill-sounding sped-up vocal, the tempo is slowed down, to the actual SOUND of a fucking record getting slowed down. Finally, after all that has cleared, we finally, FINALLY, hear the sound of Mann's vocal singing the first verse in normal speed.
OK, if you're listening for the first time, this is your obvious question. WHY is there all this crap at the beginning? WHY can't they just go into the first verse right away, like in any other record.
Well they did, at first, but at the peak of the song's success a couple of remixes surfaced and blew up in dance clubs. One of them, the "Fifth Dimension Remix" is just a simple retooling of the song for a techno and trance audience. It has the same hypnotic drum and bass over and over again, on top of what sounds like an engine being revved up. OK, that makes sense, because as of 1996 techno and rave music was at its height of popularity in their native UK. The second was an "Alvinized" remix, which is my term for the entire song being sped up in tempo to resemble Alvin and the Chipmunks. Why this was popular, even in 96'? Who fucking knows.
So some nitwit named Arthur Baker at the record company got a brilliant idea: "Since the song is selling thousands of copies, and the remixes are blowing up at the clubs, then why don't we combine the remix with the actual song? Yay, more money for us!" So Baker made a version of the song which combined the two remixes at the beginning, before going into the first verse. And this is the only fucking version of "Spaceman" you can download today. And you wonder why the record business right now is in dire straits? Because of confused thinking like this.
So on to the verse. In a faux-David Bowie space warble, Mann spits science fiction bullshit, such as "Time to terminate the great white world/Beyond the black horizon/television takes control". You don't think 400,000 idiots bought this record in one week because of this intergalactic pigshit, do you?
After Mann warbles on about... whatever, finally roaring guitars replace the atmospheric emptiness of the verse section. Could this be the big chorus that we're all waiting for?
Nope, just a bridge section: " There's a fire between us, so where is your god?", followed by "I can't get off the carousel" Followed by... "I can't get off the carousel", followed by the same fucking line 2 more times. What does that even mean, "I can't get off the carousel"? And why does Mann consider that line so important that he has to repeat it 4 fucking times before moving on. After the first one I'm thinking of smashing my fucking computer if he doesn't get to the chorus already.
So after the broken record has been fixed, the roaring guitars turn into, more roaring guitars. Is THIS it?
Nope, just yet another bridge section, this one being about a "sickening taste" or some such bullshit, followed by "Beam me up so I can breeeeeattheeeee"
Thank God that 'Spaceman" is not a song that people sing along to at bars, because it's similar to one of those kinds of songs in structure. A song like "Sweet Caroline" or "Don't Stop Believing" which has like 5 sections that people sing along to before getting to the actual chorus, so you don't even know when the real chorus is.
But after "Breeatheee" , this is it! OK, we've sat through all this crap, all these bullshit lyrics, all these chorus teasers. So after all that, what is the fucking chorus? TADA! Here it is. Here is the million-dollar chorus:
"Spaceman. I always wanted you to go/ into Space, Man (Intergalactic Christ)"
That's it? That's IT? Are you fucking KIDDING me?
Apparently, after Babylon Zoo failed to write a follow-up hit Jas Mann quit music altogether, moved to India or something, and has lived off royalties from this song ever since.
Well let me tell you, if I ever wrote a record with a hook this stupid and anticlimactic and millions of people went out and bought it, you're damn right I would do the same fucking thing.
And the chorus doesn't even repeat itself like the damn Carousel line did. Just one chorus, and then the same roaring guitar section, and just some guy screaming. I don't know what the hell he's screaming, it's just shrill and annoying. The fact that they couldn't just do 2 choruses and had to put in this wordless, tasteless screaming, makes me wonder how it's possible all those idiots in the UK bought this.
So then, another warbling verse, more sci-fi psychobabble, then another bridge-carousel-bridge-chorus, and then... whistling. Just this weird whistling that sounds like it came out of a Disney cartoon. That eerie whistling turns into Mann just tunefully singing the name of the band over and over: "Babylon zoo, ba-by-lon-zoo". Yeah, that's as if anyone forgot the name of your band, you have to fucking remind us. I mean, this is a ROCK song. Maybe if you're rapping, you get the rights to say the names of the people who are on the track. But if you're a rock band, then that's a cardinal sin. Never should a you sing the name of your band repeatedly and call it a verse. It's like Mann ran out of sci-fi shit to talk about for a third verse, so he completely scrapped the verse and replaced it with weird whistling and repeating the band's name. Subtle.
So then the familiar roaring guitars come in, and he just keeps repeating the band's name for all eternity. He likes to repeat things, doesn't he? No wonder his band never repeated this kind of hit.
But then, Mann does something relatively remarkable. He skips the bridge, the carousel part, the second bridge, and just cuts straight to the chorus! Oh NOW you cut to the chorus Mann, after making us listen to the name of your band 87,000 times.
So two more choruses, and then for the coda he... FORGETS the chorus, and just starts singing the word "Spaceman" repeatedly, and then just the words "Space" and "Man" until we are finally relieved of our ear torture with the fadeout.
What a jumbled piece of shit this song is. This has gotta be the worst put-together piece of crap the record industry ever produced and promoted. And you're telling me back in 96' every kid on every block was saying "You gotta pick up this new Babylon Zoo record. It changed my life man. I can sooo relate to this music" or any of the billions of other reasons kids go to pick up a record? That's bullshit.
This song SUCKS ass, and shows us all how stupid Englishmen can be in their taste in music. For a country that brought us The Beatles, The Stones, The Who, Oasis, they are fortunate that no one spoke the name Ba-By-Lon-Zoo after 1996. And for GOD's sake, even with all this 80s and 90s' reunion bullshit, I hope it stays that way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)