OK, the cowboy hat is cool dude. I'll give you that. But at some point, every dream has to die.
But there's certain types of wannabe musicians and artsy people, who obviously DON"T have what it takes to make it, that just push the annoyance button and keep it held there. They are musicians so bad or weird that people wouldn't pay to see them even if they did have talent. Some of their music is so bad that it can produce headaches or hearing problems. Here's some classic cases of amateur musicians and performances that just annoy the crap out of people, and usually aren't even worth spare change.
10. Freestyle Rappers on street corners. These guys talk a big game about that they have a demo or a deal with so and so, and they start randomly freestyling for you, trying to push the obvious "I'm fucking broke" sympathy buttons. Either that or they'll yell out something more or less to the effect of "Hey everybody, I can rap so everybody pay attention to me", and then they just start spitting pure gibberish, the most cliche'd "guns/money/girls/cribs" or equivalent raps, and they get very annoyed when no one listens to their untalented asses.
9. Acoustic Guitar guys in the park. Every major warm-weather park or public gathering spot during the weekend has at least one dude who thinks he's Dave Matthews circa 1991, with Jesus-like long hair or a fratty backwards cap and flipflops. He'll either play alone or try to get a guitar circle going by busting out any cliche'd Beatles/Zeppelin/jam band cover or equivalent song that everyone knows. If he's with a large group his friends will gather around and pretend to support him, or else no one will likely care. What got you laid on a college campus somewhere in Vermont doesn't always translate to the real world.
8. Mariachi bands. If you happen to be at a traditional, old-style Mexican restaurant, or out anywhere on Cinco De Mayo, there's a good chance there will be a mariachi band as the non-optional entertainment for the evening. They sing in Spanish, play fast, demand applause and spare change when their strumming attempts at ackward harmonization are over. They sing for birthdays, they sing for dollars. They are hired as an attempt to produce "culture" for diners, but their usual feigned polite response when they come to tables is 'We're good, maybe after a few drinks". Then they ask for the check.
7. Anyone who sings opera for someones birthday. Opera is a highly sophisticated old-fashioned vocal form. There's a reason opera singers command six-figure salaries, it's because its their job to provide "culture" to the sheepish masses. When we want culture, we pay good money for culture. When a low-rent opera singer decides to work at a restaurant and bust out their singing talents for anyone who happens to be celebrating a birthday, it is a treat for some and an annoyance for most, resulting in the most forced kind of polite applause. Larry David would agree.
6. Acapella groups. Everyone who was fortunate enough to attend college remembers those annoying student capella groups that would throw impromptu concerts in their cafeteria or rec center, drawing loud cheers and massive applause from the supportive student body for their renditions of "Any Way You Want It", "Single Ladies", or any other Top 40 song they felt would be "cool" to harmonize at the time.
As adults, choir groups are similarly annoying to those of us who don't care for people randomly breaking into song like Broadway shows, and face a far less receptive public outside of their artsy circles. It's another case where people appreciate the effort and time and work you put into it, but pick your spots. Get booked at a local capella day and people will come support it. Not when we're trying to read or eat or watch football.
5. Flash Mobs. In recent years, Fox's "Glee" and Youtube-minded troupes like NYC's "Improv Everywhere" have brought the concept of spontaneous, choreographed amateur public performance art to the masses. And they just won't go away, doing everything from "Barbra Streisand" dance mobs at libraries to 3000 -people strong "Jump-Around" rallies in Battery Park, for example. I don't know what they're gonna think of next, but if it involves poorly choreographed dance numbers or random, confusing stunts in large public spaces, I'm good.
4. Amateur indie/techno acts. Anytime there's a large music festival in town, like CMJ or Lollapalooza or Ultra, bands and DJs will play as many local shows as possible to reach out to people, including some in public spaces. With all that music going on, amateur bands and DJs believe they can play shows wherever they want and mislead people into thinking they're relevant. If you aren't an indie or techno fan, a lot of these guys' music equates to crap. Here's what it sounds like: for indie bands it's droning "noise experiments", bad harmonies, uncoordinated drummers, and lots of unmusical, indecipherable screaming.
For techno DJs, it's a pounding bass line, unmelodic techno blips that cause a pounding in your head upon repeated exposure, and every once in awhile a scream of "What's going on (name of city)??" to which a female somewhere around you will conditionally scream "WHOOOO!" There's a reason the bands and DJs people actually like in those genres are worth money to see: because they can create ACTUAL SONGS, rather than hourlong migraine headaches.
3. Boy Bands: Every time there's a public boy band performance, the first thought that comes to mind is: "They can't be fucking serious". You know, an amateur boy band- 4 or 5 white guys in their teens or 20s singing poorly harmonized R&B and doing poorly choreographed dance moves to get girls to like them. If its a contrived public stunt, then maybe people will come out to applaud them. On any other occasion, a boy band performing in public is at risk for being booed, heckled, having things thrown at them, or in the worst case scenario, beat senseless by local thugs. I've seen it myself. For a style that obviously went out of style 10 years ago, theres too many wannabes and too few actual musicians.
2. In-car Subway Performers. When you're sitting on a crowded subway going to/from work, and someone shoves their way through the crowd of straphangers, screams at the top of their lungs "Everyone listen up, we're fucking broke and we can (rap/sing/bang on something loud), so we'd appreciate if you spared some change", you're at about the LEAST likely juncture to want to hear live music.
And that's exactly the point in your day these desperate amateur-hour clowns choose to play for you. It could be someone who's really homeless, or maybe 5 drunk frat brothers on a dare. No one has time to judge if they're actually good. Whatever the case, subway performers' effort is wasted if they mis-time the train stops they choose to get on. The subway performers with talent are smart enough to know that the station platforms, with a constant flow of people waiting for their train, are the most consistent way to earn new fans and enough money to get a sandwich. Tread with caution, wannabe subway moneymakers.
1. Bagpipes. Absolutely the most annoying. On St. Patrick's Day you'll get one of these guys on every corner. There is no musicianship involved in playing a bagpipe, nor is it musical beyond that annoying, shrill, droning sound that just won't stop. It's a subliminal sound people associate with "Irish", and thus "Drinking!". People assume when you hear bagpipes, it's their favorite drinking day! People will cheer, clap, do jigs, and crowd around anyone who brings out a kilt and a bagpipe. Besides the familiar unmusical drone you'll also hear a ton of drunk screams and "Woo's" to accompany it, no matter what the occasion they're busted out. Again, there's a time and a place, neither of which I am at right now.
