Screw Uber

I wake up today, stomach still full from dinner. Look out the window it's teeming rain. Running late it's 7:50 and creeping. Fuck commuting, I want Uber. Gets there 3 minutes early at 7:55, on the wrong side of the oval. I run through the rain to find the Uber car. Driver says something about he's been trying to call me. Too tired for this. He debates aloud for 10 minutes in traffic should I take the drive? Complains about the traffic. Finally settles on first.

We hit UN area the traffic snarls. He turns up 39th at 8:15. Sits there 5 minutes. Not even to the mid-block stoplight. Says it's gonna start moving. We wait 5 more minutes. Still logjammed, still pouring rain. Same spot, and the meter's creeping. I have to make a decision. I jump out and walk 10 blocks in monsoon rain to my office. Get in 10 minutes late. Emailed cab reciept is $35. To get me nowhere near work. Screw Uber.

Most Unintentionally Funny Rappers

Rap music is generally a very serious thing. It's the story of black people rising from street life struggles to living a life of luxury, through complex and serious rhymes about drug dealing, owning the block, rising from rags to riches and making connections in the big leagues. But I always used rap as comedy to get me through the day. As tough and macho-posturing as the classic rappers get, there's just a few guys out there that come off as goofy and funny amidst all the seriousness of their lyrical content. These are a few of my favorites.

1. Busta Rhymes
Busta is the most unintentionally funny rapper in my book because he's so unpredictable. You never know what personality he'll show up with for a verse. You could get just rolled out of bed to do this verse Busta ("Can't Hold the Torch"), Jamaican Busta ("Make It Clap" remix) , hyper-manic 90s' Busta ("Everybody Rise"), turbo-charged Eff You mode Busta ("Look At Me Now") song-for-the-ladies Busta ("I Know What You Want"). Or you can get a combination of all of those personalities in a single song ("Touch It" + remixes).

Whatever he chooses to show up as, he's always charismatic, never phones it in, serves as the ringleader for a wide array of A-list special guests for every remix, has some of the funniest and random-est pre verse ad-libs ("Hey yo Mega, give me some of that barefoot jungle shit and let me shake a leg, nigga"), and just does more guttural grunts and random screams during verses (Yea! Haha! What you want now! Flip Mode now!") than just about anyone else in the game.

2. Snoop Dogg
Witty, laid-back, chill, blunted out. He could be doing a country song ("Superman" with Willie Nelson), a reggae song ("La La La" as his new alias Snoop Lion), a laid-back R&B song ("Sexual Seduction") or a more traditional West Coast banger ("Lay Low", "Drop It Like It's Hot"), and still come off as the funniest, most down to earth guy in the room. He's the one rapper I would personally drop 100 grand to get a recording session with, just because of how goofy and blunted his real-life personality is. He'd literally do a guest verse for anyone and NOT phone it in, which just shows how nice the guy is.

3. Diddy
The richest guy in the game is also one of the funniest. Especially in his post-murder trial comeback period (2000-04), Diddy was in permanent Eff You Mode ("Special Delivery Remix" "Welcome to Atlanta Remix" "Bad Boy 4 Life"). As a rapper and producer, he was always comically bad, biting all-too-obvious obvious samples, screaming ad-libs on steroids during other people's verses (Bad Boy Baby!" "We still here!" "As WE PROCEED!" 'THIS IS THE REMIX!"), and always appearing in people's videos for no reason. Ask Mark Curry what he thinks about all that. Even Dave Chappelle picked up on some of Diddy's idiosyncracies in a classic "Making The Band" spoof.

But he really isn't going nowhere. Just like he screams repeatedly during his songs, Diddy is still here, still has more money than God, and is still consistently funny during public appearances and guest verses.

4. DMX
Probably my favorite rapper who peaked in the late 90s. And probably the only rapper to have white girls screaming "Suck My Dick" (Party Up!) and white boys screaming 'Talk is cheap motherfucker!" (Ruff Ryders' Anthem) full throat in public. And then there's the "dog" thing. Apparently he's a dog in a rapper's body, a gimmick he ruthlessly exploits, his signature barking and growling noises often heard alongside his verses. As dark and hardcore as DMX is, I always had a hard time taking him seriously cause of the dog posturing.

5. Ludacris
The funniest out of all the Atlanta guys. When I first heard him around 2000 I thought he was a joke rapper, especially on "What's Your Fantasy". Dude had skits, sex jokes, songs about people who just won't get out the way (Move Bitch!), and ridiculous videos. I was ready to anoint him the Clown Prince of rap, Then he started acting, doing product endorsements, mailing in verses, and being serious on his cuts. He still can go for a surprisingly strong guest verse these days ("Country Shit"), but for the most part he toned it down and strayed from the initial balls-out raunchy comedic persona which made him so fresh in the early '00s.

6. Redman
The fact he's not on verses anymore is a damn shame. Apparently he'd rather be buying illegal fireworks and stuff like that than doing his trademark gorilla noise over tracks. From 95' to 02' him and Method Man were the dynamic duo of hilariously blunted rhymes, culminating in the cult classic "How High". Red has just about the funniest rap ad-libbed song intro of all time ("Attention all you niggas, all you bitches. Time to put down the Cristal, time to take off the ice for a minute. Time to throw a little mud in this mothafuckaa!" from Lets Get Dirty, which led to Christina Aguilera recruiting him for her finest moment), and the funniest guest appearance of the modern rap video era (as the Grand Wizard in De La Soul's Wizard of Oz-inspired "Oooh" video).

7.  E-40
He's the all time hypeman. the ringleader of all the "Hyphy" Bay Area madness. Whether he's tag-teaming with Too Short to complain about bitches ("Bitch"), directing traffic ("Tell Me When to Go"), or telling people how they do it in the Bay area, E-40 is a hilariously manic and underrated club rapper.

8. Lil' Jon
YEAHHH! I can associate more good times with Lil' Jon songs than any other rapper in recent memory.You know it's a party when he's on a track. Of course there's the classic Chappelle parody and all-to-familiar screams "WHATTTT!" "YEEAAHHHH!" OHHHHKAYYYY". He's still there, popping up on a random remix, collaboing with Steve Aoki and random techno artists, and just being goofy on TV every chance he gets. Very thankful he came into the game, it would be a lot less fun without him.

9. Kreayshawn
I love Kreayshawn, and not only because we share a religion (Judiasm), and a passion (rap music). I'm sure this girl wants to be taken seriously as a rapper, but her hilarious sassy delivery makes it very hard. Especially this collabo with 2 Chainz (which made me see breakfast food in a new way), proves that she's more of a goofy girl than a rap Lady Gaga.

10. Afroman
I'm sure there's at least a serious intention in Afroman's rap, especially on the huge record "Because I Got High". Because of the unusual times behind the song (the rise of Napster and free file sharing, a boom in novelty goof raps a year or two before 9/11, a revival in stoner culture), I've always loved Afroman and the unique cultural moment he was part of. Also if you can ever find Afroman's holiday album (A Colt 45 Christmas) it's a rare treasure. From his signature chicken clucks to an E-40ish "Yeea" on each track, even his in-verse background noises are funny. She Won't Let Me Fuck and Crazy Rap (Colt 45 and two zig zags) are comedy rap classics, while Because I Got High remains fresh and good for a laugh to this day.

11. Mystikal
The rapper so good, his stuff don't even need to rhyme. Has anyone ever noticed this? Getting by as a rapper spitting random gibberish over a beat punctuated by James Brown screams is one thing, but having a successful rap career where you don't even rhyme a single word? That's rarefied air. I bought 2 whole albums from him (Tarantula, Let's Get Ready), and don't recall a single stanza that rhymes. And now, he is freed from prison, for what who knows, and MGK has brought him back from the dead for a remix. Couldn't be happier to hear him on a verse again. Who is he, bouncin' back?

Football Betting Sustainability Index

Are you one of the millions of American men who bet on football each weekend? Do you think you're so good at football betting that you consider it a legitimate secondary (or even primary) source of income? If that's the case, be proud. Don't be ashamed of it. Cause as the approximately 85.5% of people who bet on football every fall and lose regularly will tell you, it ain't easy. Well as veteran bettors of over 5 years, maybe we can help you out. Check our picks on Twitter if you want to doubt our expertise. Here's some tips:

1. Fantasy football is more or less a waste of time.
 Since the NFL's current wave of popularity began in 2007 and seems to crest higher every year, more and more guys sign up for fantasy football and consider it a meaningful way to spend their time. Wrong. Out of all gambling activities, fantasy football has the lowest ROI %. It's basically every guy in the league putting their money on a 15/1 horse. (or 20/1, or however many guys in your league). I understand the need in American workforce to smack talk and have friendly competitions at fantasy football. But unless you're in a rare scenario (as presented on FX's brilliant "The League"), in which you winning at fantasy can have implications on your professional or personal success, I would consider it a waste of time and effort to be constantly checking/updating your team.

Even if you "pound" your opponent one week, and get to talk all the smack you want to them, there's still only a small chance you'll win your league or even get your money back. Don't worry about it. Sundays are supposed to be about letting loose, cheering on your team and having some fun to escape your workaday existence. Life is too short, and football season is too short, to be worried about your team. The smartest fantasy players are commissioners who take a cut of entry fees from all league members. 

2. Don't bet drunk.
Beer and football. Match made in heaven. Every American man who works hard all week deserves to kick back, have a beer and watch some football once every week, most likely on a lazy Sunday when all the games are on. Anyone who takes their computer/phone to a bar and makes bets while drunk based on the advice of other drunk people is destined to lose. Same principle as getting drunk at a race track and making uninformed bets on every race, through an alcohol haze. I've seen both.

Why do you think the NFL changed its Sunday afternoon slate of games from 4:15 to 4:25PM start times? It's because even the league brass realizes that every gambler wants to hedge their 1PM losses with an afternoon bet, and we now have 10 extra minutes to do it. If you really want to make money on football you can't trust the "advice" of anyone but your own gut instinct and the previous results to back it. Don't let your friends (especially sheepish or drunk ones), sucker you into bets.

 3. Choose one game and stick with it. 
With so many games to choose from on Sundays (and Saturdays for college junkies), it's so easy to just go in on every game during the day and hope you're right more often than not. WRONG. Never a successful longterm strategy to think you know EVERY game. Its a rookie mistake. We tend to find that the night games or MNF contests sometimes have the more obvious opportunities than day lines when there's 8 or more games going on at once.

As anyone who loves football will tell you, part of the fun is the unpredictability aspect. Anything can happen to any team, any given Sunday as the expression goes. We strongly recommend you study the lines, find one where you think the books got it wrong, and stick with that. Go balls-out with the bet. Even if you got it wrong, you have a much better chance, trust us, than putting a grand on your favorite team to win EVERY week "cause they're the fuckin' Kings", or whatever your reasoning is.

 4. If you win one, stay put!
 If you only take one game on a football Saturday or Sunday and you happen to win, don't put all the money you just won on another result. Especially if you do not know the team or didn't research it. Any payout you get from the sportsbooks is a gift, and shouldn't be taken for granted. I know it's human instinct that if something works you lean into it, but it's the sportsbooks' instinct that if you got em one time, they'll get you back when you come in for the next game.

5. Don't put personal emotion into it.
 Just because you're originally from Pittsburgh or your mom once lived in Ohio or your girlfriend's a Michigan alum doesn't make it any more likely that the Steelers or Browns or Lions will win or cover any spread for you. If the Lions are clearly overmatched on the road against a superior team, don't put a month's rent on them covering in honor of your girlfriend or your alma mater or any personal/professional association. That's likely to backfire.

 6. If the gambling thing doesn't work out, DON'T wire more in.
 This isn't for everyone. If gambling on football doesn't work out Week 3, it's not gonna work out week 14 or week 11 or any round of the playoffs. The games have a predetermined flow, and many people can't put their finger on it. Crazy stuff happens during the day games, sometimes crazy bounces happen at night too. Especially with these replacement officials, you NEVER know when a key call will swing the game against you.

Some bettors don't learn from their mistakes, and that's a sign of trouble in adult life. Have a budget in mind at the start of the season, which won't be a financial strain if it's lost. Don't go all in on a single game, and find at least one game a week to sit back and enjoy the sport for what it is. If you lose, you lose. Find ways to tune out the talking heads, your friends or other guys in your office when they say they like someone. Just find ways not to do it.

 7. Never underestimate the power of a home crowd.
Often times when a team is given a Sunday/Monday/Thursday night game, or a college team gets a game on ESPN, it's a big deal for the team and they're going to bring their best. The crowd will get the call and the big play they want more often than not. Sometimes you gotta look at how big a deal it is for the school or the organization regardless of recent results. Only for minor college teams (non AP top 25) and clearly overmatched NFL teams playing day games does the crowd have less of an impact. When in doubt, take the crowd.

8. NEVER bet against a champion
The first thing you should look at when evaluating your team's chances of winning or covering a spread is study their postseason history. Have they won the big one? Have they won any kind of title? If the team has won a title in the last few years you can't bet against them, at home, on the road, under any circumstances. If the team has won with any semblance of its current players, that means it knows big-game pressure, it knows how to perform on the road (all football championships are won on a neutral field), and in nighttime showcase games. If you don't like how the matchup is stacked up, stay away from the game, or if they're the underdog place a small amount on them winning. Worked this week. A champion football team is likely come out of nowhere and surprise you, like the Giants did this year.

 8. Don't buy into the hype. 
When there's a large amount of media or talking-head attention going towards one particular player or team it's often a setup for a major letdown the next week (examples: RG3 and Peyton Manning's week 2 losses, with both the Redskins and Broncos being huge public money favorites). Perhaps the biggest recent "crap the bed" gambling moment was the Tim Tebow-led Broncos getting blown out by the Pats in last year's playoffs, with Tebow and his team dominating headlines all week. Do NOT bet based on what you hear in the media, on the chat boxes on espn.com, or in any kind of "epic" video compilation. The sports books make a large amount of their money because of public action based on a meme or media fascination.

 9. Be wary of line mistakes.
When you watch as much football as we do, you'll notice things in the lines that make you perk up. A heavy favorite getting a spread of -2.5 (or pick-em) when we can easily see them destroying their opponent at home. A home dog of +10 who has one of the craziest crowds in the nation. A college team laying -10 points with a freshman QB.

 10. Be careful of big spreads.
It's a rookie mistake to pile on money for a spread of -10, -20, -whatever, just because you think a team is ranked in the top 25. The spreads are iffy and designed for rookie bettors. Besides, it's the same principle as fantasy sports; you don't want to be the only guy at the bar not celebrating when your team wins, just because they didn't cover some stupid spread. Spreads are for suckers, finding money line values is where the best chances are. Only spreads that provide value are home 'dogs. You never feel good when you laid -28 on Arkansas and UL-Monroe goes ahead 7-0 early. People lost a fortune on that game, and even more on the Patriots last weekend when they lost to Arizona as 2-TD favorites. Our friend, a pro gambler, doesn't wanna bring it up. At the end of the day it's just one game in a long season, and as any guy at the bar can tell you, shit can happen. It does. That's why they're there. They want upsets. You don't wanna have an entire bar full of happy people celebrating your loss of a paycheck.

11. No one's gonna care if you won or lost.
Warning. Gambling on football is not a social activity. It's every man for himself, and if you bring it up socially it won't fly very well. Trust us. Especially for the ladies. Girls don't bet and often look down on guys who do. You can make fun of them all they want for not knowing the rules and screaming uncontrollably during game watches. But of all the ridiculous things you hear girls talking about, who they just won/lost money on isn't one of them. Unless there's a reality show or awards show dress betting circuit which we don't know about (My money's on NO).

During the Super Bowl sure everyone takes ridiculous prop bets. They'll even put a small bet on the game (1-200 dollars max). But they know they're probably gonna lose. Even at the racetracks, losing on horses is part of the fun. Don't be "that guy" at the bar. If you tried and failed at betting, don't bring it up, and drink down your loss like a man. Trust us, enjoy football when it's here.

College Football Music Wishlist Vol. 2

It's almost time for the students to rush the field again!
I never had more fun writing a column than last August when I drew up a list of 10 songs that I thought would be kickass college football entrances. I loved it so much that I'm gonna do it again this year to celebrate the fast approaching return of college football. I doubt anyone will be reading this one, but its still damn fun to do, bringing back some fun memories.

Let me explain. The NFL may be America's most popular sport, but I believe college football (and basketball at the right places) has America's craziest fans. With the right crowd and right song, you might see total pandemonium. There's some situations where that right song comes on and it's total bedlam. Your "Sandstorm" rave. Your Zombie Nation. Your 7 Nation Army. Your "Jump Around" in Madison. There's nothing in a pro stadium that compares.

Whenever I hear a song which is heavy or scary or intimidating, I immediately think "How would a college crowd, amped up to the max after a big play or victory, react to this..

For "Lick Our Asses, You Uneducated Snobs": . Seeing Fatboy Slim bust this out at the London Olympics closing ceremony got me thinking. The slow build up. The dramatic strings. The big beat when it comes in. Perfect college football entrance. I can picture a team trying this one from across the pond.
Teams it would work for: Anyplace with a grand, epic tradition, snobbish demeanor and European roots. ex. Notre Dame, Harvard, Stanford, Duke.

For The HUUGE Drop:
Having gone to several festivals and EDM club shows over the last year, I have witnessed the power of the drop. If you're a DJ it's the one tool that's a surefire way to bring the animal out of this generation of college-aged kids. 

Except for a couple commercials and movie trailers that used "Bangarang", I don't think the mainstream media or sports have successfully utilized the drop as a method of mass mayhem. With EDM/techno music riding a huge wave right now, this would be the year for a school to play a drop so hard the stadium will literally shake from the bass and the energy of 60000 kids collectively going apeshit. If you're an opposing coach how do you prepare for that kind of distraction?
Teams it could work for: I'd honestly love to see that anywhere. If I had to guess I'd say somewhere in the Midwest; there is a crazy energy out there, and they do love their techno. Iowa State, Indiana State, Mizzou, even Michigan (where Tiesto is booked for this fall). Or UNLV and "The U", since Vegas and Miami are epicenters for electronic music. Some school, any school, has gotta take this and run with it.

For "Party Like It's 1989":
Only once in my lifetime have I heard this song at a party, and it happens to be one of the best parties I went to in college. The crowd went crazy when it hit and everyone cheered after every verse as if the band was there. From all accounts, college kids of the 1980s knew how to party, and REM was the finest college rock band. I'd love to hear a school go retro and blast this song.
Schools it would work for: UGA would be the lead candidate since REM are from Athens, also any school with a "nerdy" or quirky academic base; Northwestern, Vanderbilt, BC, Georgia Tech.

For That Perfect Victory:
You know sometimes how a band closes their concert with a song so perfect that everyone's group-singing it on the way out and randomly cheering in the streets because that last song left them feeling so damn good? It's the same feeling with sports. I done met and seen a lot of people and nothing leaves them feeling better in this life than being there to see their team beat a #1 or get that W over their hated rival. It's gotta be a HUGE rally-the-troops singalong, something timeless on the scale of "Build Me Up Buttercup" or "Sweet Caroline" or "Livin' on a Prayer".
For my money, I nominate "We Are Young" by Fun. College really is the best time in a young person's life, and it's been a long time since I heard the message of celebrating youth come out in a chorus like this. If I were in college right now I'd be playing this all day. I've seen this live, and it's the real deal. This would be my morning tailgate rallying cry, the 3AM last-call singalong and the last thing we hear when we leave the stadium delirious after the big win.
Schools it could work for: Obviously anyone with the HUGE stadium: the Big House, the Swamp, Rocky Top, the Rose Bowl, Autzen, Death Valley. This is the song this year to send 80,000 American kids home happy. Mark my words. Avicii and Carly Rae? Played out. Fun. is here to stay.

For The Halloween Game:
I know an indie-rock band from Brooklyn doesn't exactly scream football, but there is slow-burning menace to this track that makes it the perfect fit for a zombie parade or a Halloween costume party or better yet, a Halloween weekend game. This song is too dark for radio, too heavy for today's music climate. But it would be perfect for a crowd with 60,000 kids in costume, the defense making a final stand, and everyone chomping at the gate to rush the field.
Teams it could work for: Anywhere with dark colors, a scary-looking mascot, or passion for Halloween. New Mexico, UTEP, Virginia Tech, Texas Tech, Houston, even Ohio State.

For The Boss:
I know Ross is mainstream as it gets right now, and I used a Ross cut in last year's list, but there's something about the former linebacker's beats which just works really well for football. This song in particular I can see any football team with a sizeable "urban" student body completely wilding out to during timeouts. Speaking of which, a stadium-wide "Dougie" session is always welcome, but too cliche by now to make this list.
Schools it can work for: UCF, Howard, GTech, SMU, Richmond, Cincinnati.


For "Let's Fucking RIOT!": If you haven't stormed the field or rioted over a major sports result, then chances are you went to the wrong school. There's so much energy among college kids that it's only human nature they will riot over something sooner or later. If you've never seen a major field rush before it's quite the scene. The kids go apeshit crazy, and none of the "adults" on the scene have any idea what to say or do. Sometimes the ref will throw a flag or the PA announcer will tell kids to get back in their seats, but it's too late. I would love it if instead of trying to calm the stadium down, there was a programming coordinator who completely flipped shit and put on music for the kids to go nuts to. Something primitive and thunderous; some RATM, some Priest or Metallica or...

  It's ironic if played at a college stadium, because the whole point of college (which costs these kids and their parents 20-60 thousand dollars a year) is to prepare these young men and women to join the workforce, which is exactly what this song is railing against. But if this is played at the height of a victory celebration, kids will be too drunk and crazy and ecstatic to get the point of the song. I love it when the field turns into a massive riot zone that no campus policeman can stop.
Schools it can work for: Anywhere they riot and tear down goalposts and storm fields after wins. Some good ones in recent years have happened after major upsets at Mizzou, Iowa State, Wisconsin, and Texas Tech

For "We Eat, Breathe, And SLEEP FOOTBALL!!"
This is as close to a "classic" hip-hop football pumpup as you get. Rap music is produced so quickly and has so many one-hit wonders that it's nearly impossible to have a shelf life like this song. This hit in late summer 2003, headlined the Madden 04 soundtrack, and has become a booming tailgate staple in years since, especially down in the deep South. This song hits home with football, because of the linebacker size of the rapper and no-intimidation grit of the chorus. This could work for the team's entrance music or if it's late in the 4th and the home team has a shot at the big upset. Bring it back! I ain't neva scurred!
Teams it can work for: Mississippi State, Alabama, Troy, Arkansas St, LSU, Florida St.

For A Surefire Tailgate Starter:
I've been obsessed with this Camp album lately. This is Donald Glover from NBC's Community doing his own spin on Kanye/Drake/Weezy boast rap. I seen him at Lollapalooza and Central Park, I know the kids love this style of rap. Especially with the tornado siren horn at the beginning I see this blaring at the tailgate when the kids are getting hyped for the game and gettin' their drink on.
Teams it can work for: Anywhere with a big frat row and awesome tailgate scene; your USC, Michigan, Penn State, UF, Oklahoma.

For what kids will ACTUALLY crank this fall. Most likely, the songs kids are likely to blast at tailgates and wild out to at games are Flo Rida's Whistle, Avicii's Levels, Carly Rae's Call Me Maybe (sure to be a sorority favorite), Taio Cruz's Hangover, everything by Drake, and maybe some Hey Baby or Build me Up Buttercup or Country Roads for old time's sake. Whatever they listen to, the students about to go back to college are in the most fun time of their lives and they shouldn't take any tailgate, any game, any party or big win for granted. Trust me. Man I love seeing those crowds. If only they played some cooler music...

10 Most Unwanted Musical Performances

OK, the cowboy hat is cool dude. I'll give you that. But at some point, every dream has to die.

As usually the case in our society, when we, the consumers, want to go see live music, we find a band we like and we pay to go see them. On the other hand, when you're a starving musician that no one cares enough to pay and see, it's more or less your job to push your music onto consumers any way you can, whether they want to hear it or not. Everyone has a soft spot for rags-to-riches success stories in music; guys who start out playing corners or collecting change in the subway and going on to superstardom.

But there's certain types of wannabe musicians and artsy people, who obviously DON"T have what it takes to make it, that just push the annoyance button and keep it held there. They are musicians so bad or weird that people wouldn't pay to see them even if they did have talent. Some of their music is so bad that it can produce headaches or hearing problems. Here's some classic cases of amateur musicians and performances that just annoy the crap out of people, and usually aren't even worth spare change.

10. Freestyle Rappers on street corners. These guys talk a big game about that they have a demo or a deal with so and so, and they start randomly freestyling for you, trying to push the obvious "I'm fucking broke" sympathy buttons. Either that or they'll yell out something more or less to the effect of "Hey everybody, I can rap so everybody pay attention to me", and then they just start spitting pure gibberish, the most cliche'd "guns/money/girls/cribs" or equivalent raps, and they get very annoyed when no one listens to their untalented asses.

9. Acoustic Guitar guys in the park. Every major warm-weather park or public gathering spot during the weekend has at least one dude who thinks he's Dave Matthews circa 1991, with Jesus-like long hair or a fratty backwards cap and flipflops. He'll either play alone or try to get a guitar circle going by busting out any cliche'd Beatles/Zeppelin/jam band cover or equivalent song that everyone knows. If he's with a large group his friends will gather around and pretend to support him, or else no one will likely care. What got you laid on a college campus somewhere in Vermont doesn't always translate to the real world.

8. Mariachi bands. If you happen to be at a traditional, old-style Mexican restaurant, or out anywhere on Cinco De Mayo, there's a good chance there will be a mariachi band as the non-optional entertainment for the evening. They sing in Spanish, play fast, demand applause and spare change when their strumming attempts at ackward harmonization are over. They sing for birthdays, they sing for dollars. They are hired as an attempt to produce "culture" for diners, but their usual feigned polite response when they come to tables is 'We're good, maybe after a few drinks". Then they ask for the check.

7. Anyone who sings opera for someones birthday. Opera is a highly sophisticated old-fashioned vocal form. There's a reason opera singers command six-figure salaries, it's because its their job to provide "culture" to the sheepish masses. When we want culture, we pay good money for culture. When a low-rent opera singer decides to work at a restaurant and bust out their singing talents for anyone who happens to be celebrating a birthday, it is a treat for some and an annoyance for most, resulting in the most forced kind of polite applause. Larry David would agree.

6. Acapella groups. Everyone who was fortunate enough to attend college remembers those annoying student capella groups that would throw impromptu concerts in their cafeteria or rec center, drawing loud cheers and massive applause from the supportive student body for their renditions of "Any Way You Want It", "Single Ladies", or any other Top 40 song they felt would be "cool" to harmonize at the time.

As adults, choir groups are similarly annoying to those of us who don't care for people randomly breaking into song like Broadway shows, and face a far less receptive public outside of their artsy circles. It's another case where people appreciate the effort and time and work you put into it, but pick your spots. Get booked at a local capella day and people will come support it. Not when we're trying to read or eat or watch football.

5. Flash Mobs. In recent years, Fox's "Glee" and Youtube-minded troupes like NYC's "Improv Everywhere" have brought the concept of spontaneous, choreographed amateur public performance art to the masses. And they just won't go away, doing everything from "Barbra Streisand" dance mobs at libraries to 3000 -people strong "Jump-Around" rallies in Battery Park, for example. I don't know what they're gonna think of next, but if it involves poorly choreographed dance numbers or random, confusing stunts in large public spaces, I'm good.

4. Amateur indie/techno acts. Anytime there's a large music festival in town, like CMJ or Lollapalooza or Ultra, bands and DJs will play as many local shows as possible to reach out to people, including some in public spaces. With all that music going on, amateur bands and DJs believe they can play shows wherever they want and mislead people into thinking they're relevant. If you aren't an indie or techno fan, a lot of these guys' music equates to crap. Here's what it sounds like: for indie bands it's droning "noise experiments", bad harmonies, uncoordinated drummers, and lots of unmusical, indecipherable screaming.

For techno DJs, it's a pounding bass line, unmelodic techno blips that cause a pounding in your head upon repeated exposure, and every once in awhile a scream of "What's going on (name of city)??" to which a female somewhere around you will conditionally scream "WHOOOO!" There's a reason the bands and DJs people actually like in those genres are worth money to see: because they can create ACTUAL SONGS, rather than hourlong migraine headaches.

3. Boy Bands: Every time there's a public boy band performance, the first thought that comes to mind is: "They can't be fucking serious". You know, an amateur boy band- 4 or 5 white guys in their teens or 20s singing poorly harmonized R&B and doing poorly choreographed dance moves to get girls to like them. If its a contrived public stunt, then maybe people will come out to applaud them. On any other occasion, a boy band performing in public is at risk for being booed, heckled, having things thrown at them, or in the worst case scenario, beat senseless by local thugs. I've seen it myself. For a style that obviously went out of style 10 years ago, theres too many wannabes and too few actual musicians.

2. In-car Subway Performers. When you're sitting on a crowded subway going to/from work, and someone shoves their way through the crowd of straphangers, screams at the top of their lungs "Everyone listen up, we're fucking broke and we can (rap/sing/bang on something loud), so we'd appreciate if you spared some change", you're at about the LEAST likely juncture to want to hear live music.

And that's exactly the point in your day these desperate amateur-hour clowns choose to play for you. It could be someone who's really homeless, or maybe 5 drunk frat brothers on a dare. No one has time to judge if they're actually good. Whatever the case, subway performers' effort is wasted if they mis-time the train stops they choose to get on. The subway performers with talent are smart enough to know that the station platforms, with a constant flow of people waiting for their train, are the most consistent way to earn new fans and enough money to get a sandwich. Tread with caution, wannabe subway moneymakers.

1. Bagpipes. Absolutely the most annoying. On St. Patrick's Day you'll get one of these guys on every corner. There is no musicianship involved in playing a bagpipe, nor is it musical beyond that annoying, shrill, droning sound that just won't stop. It's a subliminal sound people associate with "Irish", and thus "Drinking!". People assume when you hear bagpipes, it's their favorite drinking day! People will cheer, clap, do jigs, and crowd around anyone who brings out a kilt and a bagpipe. Besides the familiar unmusical drone you'll also hear a ton of drunk screams and "Woo's" to accompany it, no matter what the occasion they're busted out. Again, there's a time and a place, neither of which I am at right now.

Super Bowl 46 Gambling Preview

Ah, Super Bowl Sunday. The best damn holiday of the year. When the sights and sounds of football are music to our ears, after all the buildup and talk. This year especially, I think the game will live up to the hype and then some. Yes, bro, It will be "epic" in every sense of the word.

The blabbermouths from New York and Boston have had plenty to talk about over the last two weeks, and they're sure as hell gonna have a ton to talk about for months afterwards. Everyone will be drinking & partying hard going into the game: from the young NYC office professionals who can run out, celebrate and finally claim "I was there when WE WON!!!!" to the die-hard Patriot fans waiting for another shot at the Giants, to all the blue-collar workers & soldiers across this country that live for the game of football. Your time is now. Enjoy it. And while you're 5 beers deep at someone's house party, paying $12 per Bud Light at a crammed Manhattan bar (thank you, Giants!), or tailgating at a thousands-strong watch party in Indy, remember one thing: You can get rich off the Super Bowl. And maybe even skip work to drink more at a victory parade on Tuesday.

Prop Bet Picks: A Super Bowl tradition is everyone at the party taking at least one ridiculously dumb prop bet over the course of Super Bowl Sunday, everything from Madonna's hair color to the length of her performance, length of national anthem, color of Gatorade dumped on winning coach, to the number of times NBC will show or mention Peyton Manning during the broadcast (over/under 3.5). For a game with this many people watching (likely to be an another all-time TV record), if you want to bet on something chances are you can do it. But the best bet of all is that you will lose money if you bet props. Happens every year. They are sucker lines designed to reel you in. Bet like a 20 on one of the props if you want, but don't expect to make it back. You can't put your next month's rent on whether Tom Coughlin will take an orange or blue Gatorade shower. Yes I'm talking to you, everyone's degenerate gambling cousin or uncle. Let's get to the only bet that matters.
The Lines: Giants +3 (-120), Pats -3 (even money), Pats win (-135), Giants win (+115)

Analysis: The Giants came through at +115 in the game against the Niners, and +255 (in some books +310) in their upset over Green Bay. So far, they have been every bettor's darling. On the other side Bahston fans are talking a big game, saying "Oh, but the Pats are out for revenge", "The 2-week layover will take the Giants out of their rhythm", and "Oh, no going against Brady", blah blah. We've heard all those before, and one time this year already, revenge talk hasn't worked. And also, um, remember Super Bowl 42? Um, best Super Bowl of all time. Sorry, Boston, it's the luck of the draw.

The truth is, this year's Patriots O-line was unable to stop Terrelle Suggs & Ray Lewis from taking Brady out of his offensive rhythm, and the Pats defense ALMOST got embarrassed by Joe Flake-O (ask any Baltimore fan whether they think that pass to Lee Evans was, in fact, a catch.) Whether it was Billy Cundiff or the ghost of Myra Kraft who shanked that chip-shot field goal that would have sent the game to overtime, fact is the Ravens woulda, shoulda, almost won that game. If they had this much trouble with the Ravens, Brady has another thing coming. And on the personal side, if your supermodel GF has to write a public email asking people to "pray" for you, then I'm sorry you DESERVE to get beat.

JPP, Osi, JT, Mathias, Webster, Rolle. They are already cult heroes in New York. This Giants D-line is damn good. Best-coached line in this tournament, and they ain't scared of Brady. Ain't scared of the stage, ain't scared of the hype. They play in New York after all. Everyone on the Giants side is saying JPP will spring free and tear Brady's head off. And they're not entirely wrong. If they can manage to shut Brady down and take Grawnk out of the game (you see, the Bahston fans are already panicking), then this is the Giants' title to lose. Defense and special teams wins championships. Ask this "epic bro" in San Francisco. Ask this crying Packers fan in Wisconsin. The Giants' defensive line is a force to be reckoned with.

The Pats meanwhile, are weak on defense. VERY weak. Nicks or CRUUUUUUUUUZ can easily spring free on their overworked secondary & pull a 99-yarder. Jets fans know. And this Giants quarterback, yeah he's a winner. No one needs to argue or talk any more about how Eli is proving he's better than Pey-Pey at least short-term. On Sunday, he will go out and prove he's worth every penny of that $100 million dollar deal.

The Pick: Giants +3. Take the 3 points just to be safe, but I think the Giants will win outright, and G-Men fans everywhere from Brooklyn to Murray Hill to Albany to Indy will have a very, very good night. One of those "epic" nights that comes around, oh um, once every four years.

How To Make NCAA Football Popular Again?

Roll Tide, but do you care?

Went to a bar (in DC) with a buddy to watch the NCAA football championship. Passed 4 bars that were so dead we thought they closed early. The bar we settled on was less than half full, and less than 20% of the eyeballs in the bar were directed at the TV set. With bars/restaurants/TV rooms in non-college & non-winning markets having less than a 20% rate of caring & no clapping when someone wins a CHAMPIONSHIP, I would consider your season a failure.

We were at the same bar for Week 15 NFL Sunday, which had one of the worst 1PM slates of the year. And the place was rockin'. Standing room only crowd, all eyeballs glued to the screens, drinks flowing, Ooohhhh's and Ahhhh's for every play, and the home city was not even playing.

Something has to be done about this. In basketball, more people on a whole care about the first 4 days of March Madness than Game 7 of the NBA Finals. What makes it even worse is this is a football-crazed nation. The NFL is ALL WE TALK ABOUT. Why is the college game not translating? I'd say bad word of mouth re: NCAA scandals, playing Saturday warmup to NFL games, ONE CONFERENCE WINNING EVERY YEAR (total bullshit), not enough stuff you can bet on, bad lines for bowl games, lack of a coherent script, & no universal bracket, fantasy game, or betting pool you can beat people at.

My solution: single-elimination tournament at the end of the season. Field of 84, featuring all conferences. Get the split-screens going crazy.

Push the season back a month, when there is no NFL except crappy exhibition. Have all NCAA schools hold optional academic "mini-camps" starting the first week of August. All dorms open, so students can come to chill & party if they don't want more class, and just pay room. Extra month of warm-weather tailgating & parties. Schools find a new revenue stream, NCAA & students win, football-starved NFL fans have a late-summer alternative to boring preseason games.

Season ends on Halloween, tourney starts 2nd week of November during the week. Reason to party & bet between Halloween & the holidays. Final 4 Thanksgiving weekend, championship game Monday after (with the MNF NFL game moving to Tuesday). I don't think any drone will complain about 3 nights of football during the week. Besides, if your team gets in the title game, you get a 5-day weekend (& Tuesday "We Won" hangover day for winning team's fans). Even if the recruiting scandals, conference realignment, & crazy "Who's #1" debates continue during the season, this tournament & schedule change is a winner.

Got a better idea? Hit me on twitter @shermansne